My Life And Rock'n'Roll

Chapter 80 - 'First Life'

Normality - one word which should be the pattern of a person's life, yet to me, is so, unattainable.....

Ever since I can remember, my life has been in the eyes of being someone else. Don't get me wrong, I have made some decisions which have impacted on my life that I have to take full responsibility for, while others, which were taken out of my hands, I have paid a hefty price for that decision.....

Today is my first day back at work at Harrod's, and in all truth, my life is anything but normal. I am the ex-wife of the Founding Beatle and Mother to his Eldest Son, and anything I have tried to be or become has always taken a back seat to what I call my 'first life.'

Having been in Hamburg for the last two weeks has been so emotionally testing and draining, that I need some time to rebalance my inner self. I have always considered myself a strong woman, but times like now remind me of what I had, what I lost, and what I aspire to want in the future.....

As I am focusing on the charity dinner, I am starting to realise what I thought was long dead. When John left Julian and I all those years ago, I knew my life would never be the same, but yet, as he and Yoko paraded their new lives in front of the media and the World, did I see for the first time, that maybe John and I were meant to be - just for the time we had.....

The thought of that hurt, to think that I would never be the woman John would love until his dying day, the woman who would give him his inner strength, that I would never be his person, or that he would be mine.....

Now, after seeing and spending time with John back where it all began, do I see that there is still a possibility the stars may still be aligning, that I could still be all those things and much more.

Does this scare the hell out of me, yes it does. Do I feel it within me to at least let John back into my life, yes I do - but right at this moment, I need to take small steps. Julian has been my rock, and to see him give his Father one more opportunity does it show me that I need to live by my own views and give John the same opportunity too.....

As I think back to the last couple of weeks, I have to admit I have surprised myself with how I have emotionally coped with everything. I originally had reservations about returning to Hamburg, and the first few days was really hard - however the longer I was there the easier I found it to deal with everyone being back in the same place, at the same time......

Now, I am just trying to figure out the present, everything else, well, that can wait for a little while.....
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Holy hell! The boys and I got back from Hamburg yesterday, and ever since, I have done nothing but sleep. Fair dinkum, if anyone had said to me that as a 40 something year old I would spend this much time sleeping I would have thought them crazy, and stupid......

I have had so much to think about, and on the train coming home I thought, a lot.....Cyn was the only thing on my mind for most of the journey, and right now, as things stand, I know I have so much more to do, to say, to prove.....

As I reflect on the trip, it occurred to me there is so much I have to be grateful for, and so much to atone for as well. While us guys have decided to head back into the studio soon, I still feel restless within - I have always been a high achiever, and considering how hard we worked to make it to the Toppermost Of The Poppermost, does it dawn on me we could easily be out of touch, too long out of the spotlight to be not only relevant, but the pioneers and doers we were so renowned for becoming.....

My confidence, or what others would call arrogance, has escaped my older self, and, I feel like everything I do will fall apart. Yoko really did a number on me in that respect, and I know I have nobody else to blame but myself.......

So now, I feel like I am starting all over again - Julian and I are starting to have the Father/Son relationship I always wanted, and as for The Beatles, well, that is definitely in the hands of the music gods. Considering I don't believe in such things, I should just use the term miracle instead.......
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Right now I need to plan this carefully.......I have worked out my list, and it is a long and decorated list at that. I have no time for these celebrities with all this money and fame, I hate them all with a passion......

One thing I have always hated in life is these self proclaimed pretentious rich morons who think their words are gospel - and they are like God. People tend to flock to those like that, and this, to me, is the ultimate insult to humanity.....

I have decided who will be the first one to fall, and I must ensure I don't make any errors. I want to be known for this - while people may call me insane, mad or crazy, I call myself a strategist, a man without fault....

Some people will be forever known in life for one reason or another, and I, well, this is what I want to be remembered and revered for.......