My Life And Rock'n'Roll

Chapter 35 - Not One Sided

This is not what I wanted.....I have received notification from my lawyers John and I are now legally separated, with only our assets to be divided up and settled.

For the last month I have tried everything to find John, as he has successfully kept himself out of sight, and Sean is starting to ask questions. Our son is very intelligent, and he is missing his father.....

Me, well I know exactly what I want - I want everything. I have made John richer than he could have ever dreamed of, and if it wasn't for me, he would not have the financial security he has now.

I have worked out what I am worth, and I have no intentions of yielding. What is going to happen is plain and very simple - John wants a divorce, it is going to cost him, plenty......
:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:
It has been an emotional day. I have just shown Julian and Cynthia John's interview, and both of them have tears rolling down their faces. I knew this would happen, but it really isn't my business to judge or to involve myself.

Observing Cynthia and Julian, do I see how John's behaviour has affected them, and to their credit, I showed them everything without taking any breaks.

Now, as we are taking stock of what has just happened, Julian asks me what I think. I promised John I wouldn't say anything about what he said to me in confidence, so I answer as truthfully as I can, without revealing too much....
:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:
I am lost for words. Right now, sitting here at the BBC with Mum and Andy after viewing Dad's interview I feel numb. For so long I have wanted to know how he really feels about me.

Now that I do, part of me is hopeful we can find a way to have some sort of a relationship while the other part of me is angry that it has taken Dad so long to finally speak the truth of his feelings about Mum and I.

Mum has not said a word, and she is crying harder than I have ever seen her cry before. Andy looks at us both not knowing what to say, so I break the ice and ask him what he thinks about the interview.

Andy seems surprised by the question, and Mum looks at him waiting for an answer, and what he says throws us both.....
:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:
I am completely heartbroken. John has hurt me more than anyone ever could, and when he left Julian and I he left us with a void that will never be repaired or replaced.....

As the years have gone by, I have often wondered what more I could have done, made more of an effort to be there for him as he clearly couldn't cope - now I know it wouldn't have mattered what I did or tried to do.

John wanted to be an artist, at the expense of Julian and I. When The Beatles made it big, I never dreamed John could change and become so cold, so full of himself.

The teddy boy with the larrikin nature I loved so much was gone, and Yoko clearly made herself what John needed and wanted. I am relieved to know of his love for me, but devastated to hear him speak so lovingly of Alma Cogan.

I have always had my suspicions, but to see the look on his face when he talked about her it was too much to bare. Of all the women in his life, I thought deep down his love for me would be important, but I have sadly come to see while I was his first love, I was never his true love.

Julian is looking at me with concern, and all I can do is cry. To my astonishment, Julian asks Andy for his thoughts. I am curious to hear what Andy has to say, and when he does say something, I am taken completely aback.....
:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:
I take a deep breath, and I tell Cynthia and Julian what I think.....as I conducted the interview I found John to be troubled and deeply emotional.

I decide to tell them about John needing several breaks, especially when certain topics were discussed. I look to Julian first, and tell him I strongly believe what John has said about him, and his interview comments with Rolling Stone.

Julian nods his head, and I now look to Cynthia. This will be a delicate one, so I stick to the truth, albeit very carefully.....

I tell Cynthia of John's face lighting up when she was mentioned, and that to me, John considers her an important part of his life, now as much as back then. Cynthia looks at me in disbelief, and I then mention how I believe it possible John felt so guilty for his treatment of her that he had no idea or thought of how to reach out to her.

I don't tell Cynthia how much John misses her and needs her, as it really is not my place, and I am not sure she would handle that well at this point given what she has just seen.

When I tell her I think Alma Cogan was influential for a time, but believe John never truly loved her I see Cynthia completely break down. It occurs to me now just how much John has kept from her, and I understand now just how much John not only loves her, but always has.

Cynthia hasn't realised how much of his life revolves around her and their relationship. When I accidentally blurt out I believe she is the love of his life, and has always been, both she and Julian look to me in shock - how could John not let Cynthia know how he truly feels about her?

Cynthia, being the class act I have found her to be, dries her eyes and cleans her face with her handkerchief, and she gets up and shakes my hand with gratitude.

Of all the people I have ever met, this woman is truly a class all of her own, and I can see why John Lennon is so head over heels in love with her. Judging by her reactions, I am guessing those feelings are not one sided.....