My Life And Rock'n'Roll

Chapter 25 - One Foot In Front Of The Other

It is now midnight, and I can't sleep. I have tossed and turned since I got into bed, and I am struggling to relax my mind enough for me to fall asleep.

I keep thinking about what happened today, and seeing Cyn and Jules for the first time in so long a myriad of emotions is waving through me.

Years ago, long before I lost sight of reality,  they both were the most important people in my life. Now, so many years later, I have no clue how to reach out to them, or know how to repair the damage I have caused.

I keep replaying what happened at The Avenue in my head, and seeing Cyn react the same way I did do I know what I should have always known - there is only one woman for me, and it is her, no question.

Pete and Astrid have tried to throw around ideas on how I can attempt to mend the fences I broke, but even I am acutely aware of how big a miracle I will need.

I feel my body calm, and as I close my eyes I think of Cyn and Jules, yet somehow I manage to drift off to sleep....
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I want to put yesterday in my rear vision mirror. Seeing John at The Avenue was so unexpected - over the years I have thought about what may happen if we see each other, but I knew I may not see him again in my lifetime.

When we locked eyes, I felt so wistful. As much as I would have loved to have taken a step back in time, I know that too much time has passed, and too much hurt and pain has ensued.

When I heard about John's interview with Rolling Stone I was curious, and when I saw the finished product I was profoundly hurt that John could speak of Julian and I the way he did.

Many of our friends have said they blame Yoko, well, I don't. This is solely on John, as he was married to me and knew what our relationship was - Yoko wasn't there, and in all truth, John needs to stand up and admit fault with his words.

I normally wouldn't feel this way, except I know just how inaccurate John's words were. I can handle myself - Julian however, never deserved those comments or attitudes from his father.

Sadly, this to me is John's biggest failure, and as much as I would like to help them both repair their relationship, I know this is something John will have to do on his own - I won't get involved, as Julian is now old enough to decide if he chooses to have John in his life.....
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I didn't get much sleep last night. After seeing Dad for the first time in many years, I am confused more now than ever.

Right now, a part of me would love to confront Dad and ask what prompted his comments, but the other part of me knows this is who he is - Dad never gave me a second thought when he left Mum and I, and I have to accept that any possibility of a future relationship with him is more than unlikely, it is improbable.

Mum has always been open with me about Dad, and while I know she did the best she could under the circumstances, I know Dad left a massive hole in both of our lives.

Maybe one day I will get some closure, but it is not looking like occurring anytime soon. For now, I need to focus on Mum, as she has sacrificed so much for me, I need to step up and be here for her.

I saw the look on her face yesterday, and it was that look that many have said only Dad could bring out. Mum cried for most of last night, and I heard her crying in bed.

I would do anything to take this pain away for her, yet again another reason to be so angry with Dad. Today is a new day, and I need to make sure Mum and I can put one foot in front of the other.....
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What a genuine ballsup! Knowing how much effort went into John coming back here, he nearly undid it all by seeing Cynthia and Julian.

While it is no one's fault, I have wondered if the heavens above may have played a role in making their reunion a reality? From what John has expressed about them both, I saw that look in his eyes - love, hurt, pain.

While many didn't know I saw firsthand what John and Yoko did to Cynthia, the class and dignity Cynthia showed all those years ago is a testament to just how lucky John was to have her in his life.

For the last five months or so I have heard the anguish in John's voice about leaving Yoko and coming home. To be honest, I didn't think it would happen so soon, but knowing how much has changed in his marriage, did I know what he has just figured out - Cynthia is the love of his life, always has been, and always will be.

Even though I supported John when he left Cynthia, deep down I was gutted he could do that to her - she was with him when he was a teddy boy, and now, seeing how unhappy John has become did I know his feelings for her have resurfaced.

Now that they have seen each other, somehow, some way, I will find a way to help my best friend get everything back. Selling the business and buying him a house is just the start - it is going to be a long road ahead, but Beth and I are more than up to the challenge.

As for Julian, that is something only John can do. Hopefully with time, John will get the chance to be the Dad to Julian he has always wanted to be.....