My Life And Rock'n'Roll

Chapter 32 - A Bitter Pill To Swallow

Last night was harder than I imagined. I managed to fall asleep around 3, but I woke up with a pounding headache. I know it is due to my large alcoholic intake, and Pete is not feeling too good this morning either.....

As we slowly regain some equilibrium, someone is knocking on the front door. Pete gets up to answer it, and it is Astrid. She looks stunned to see Pete and I looking like this, so she heads straight for the kitchen and makes some tea and toast for us.

Once we eat, Astrid tells us what happened with taking Andy to see Cyn and Jules. Pete and I look at each other in disbelief, but we listen to what Astrid has to say.....

Once Astrid tells us everything, I am gutted. Cyn has no interest in my interview, and realistically, I don't know what I was expecting. To hear Astrid say Jules is prepared to see and hear what I have to say, is equally unexpected.

Maybe, just maybe, not all is lost with my son, and I feel a smidgin of hope. I will never be able to put it into words just how much I want this chance, but hearing Astrid confirm Cyn is not interested, is a bitter pill to swallow.

Pete and Astrid can both see the defeat in my face, but Astrid tells me what happened when she and Andy were about to leave Cyn's and her reaction. I am happy Andy told Cyn she was everything I said she would be, as I meant what I said to Andy.

All I can do is wait and see if Cyn changes her mind about not having me in her life. I have thought a lot about Cyn over these last few years, and right now, I know with clarity I want and need her in my life.

If she doesn't want that, I am not sure how I will cope knowing I drove away the one woman who has loved me through so much, even when I didn't deserve it....
:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:
I wake up with a start. I come downstairs to find Mum asleep on the couch. She looks like she hasn't been to bed, and I decide not to wake her.

I am really worried about Mum, and watching her reactions last night do I know the wounds have re-opened again. Mum has tried so hard to move away from her life with Dad, yet every time she becomes able to distance herself something always drags her back.

Even though I have seen first hand what Mum has been through, I will never understand the true extent of her pain. Mum has had to deal with so much over the years, and now, having her past with Dad being dredged up all over again, I am becoming increasingly concerned of how this is affecting her.

As I am in contemplation, Mum is waking up. When she opens her eyes I can see the pain, and I give her a hug. She sits up and I take a seat beside her, and we talk about what happened last night.

Mum is devastated, and I have no idea what to do for her. Seeing Dad after so long was hard for me, and watching Mum react the way she has, do I know this will never be over. Dad will always be in the background of Mum's life, and I am scared for her - she will never be able to completely move forward away from his shadow......
:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:
I feel so drained. I ended up sleeping on the couch last night, and as I wake up this morning, I see my pride and joy. Julian is looking at me with concern, so I slowly sit up allowing him the space to sit with me.

He hugs me as he sits down, and we talk about what happened last night, and of John's attempts to reach out. While I will always love John, I know he is not the same man anymore - he has hurt me so much, and while I have no ill will towards him, I need to move forward with my life.

Right now I am barely keeping it together, and having John in my life again in any way will not be good for me. I need love and respect, and sadly, John wasn't there when I needed him most.

Julian expresses concerns for me, and while
I appreciate it, I want his focus to be on his own relationship with John. I don't want to drive a wedge between them, as Julian should have the right to decide if he truly wants his Dad in his life - I have always encouraged it, and I am not going to stop now.....
:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:
Astrid has just left, and Pete and I are now in the lounge. I feel numb, and no matter how hard I try, this sense of loneliness and emptiness is getting stronger - and I have no idea what to do to make things better, make things right.

Pete is looking at me sympathetically, and of all the people who know how much this situation is affecting me, it is him. We have been best friends since childhood, and no matter what, he has always been here for me, even when I didn't deserve it.....

Now, as I am trying to regain the life I should have had but threw away, I am so grateful to have friends like Pete and Astrid in my corner. Both of them have been amazing, yet I know this wouldn't be easy, for either of them.....

I know what I want - and sadly it has taken too much time and emotional baggage for me to finally realise what makes me happy - I need my family, and want a family life. To have both Cyn and Jules in my life would be everything, but now, do I know it may be too little too late......