My Life And Rock'n'Roll

Chapter 27 - What I Feel

I feel a wave of emotions right now. Having Jules here in my lounge room so soon is something I didn't think possible, yet as I look at him he seems uneasy about being here.

I start the conversation, and to my hurt and surprise he asks me not to call him Jules, and that his name is Julian. That is a stab to the heart, and hearing my own son say this to me hurts like nothing else.

When he was born, I immediately called him Jules. This has always been my pet name for him, but seeing how hurt he is do I understand the pain he feels. I have been selfish for a long time, and I know I will need more than time to show both him and Cyn that they mean so much to me.

It feels like an eternity, and I tell Julian everything; it is taking all the energy in me not to break down - until I bring up the interview with Rolling Stone. I can't help it - the tears fall, and I tell Jules how wrong my comments were, and that I deeply regret what I said.

When I get everything off my chest, I can see Jules is struggling to keep his emotions in check. I can see tears in his eyes, and it saddens me to know I did this, that my own son is hurting because of me.....

If this is how Jules is reacting, I can only wonder how hurt Cyn must be. My comments didn't just affect our son, they clearly would have hurt her too, even more so.

As Jules and I calm down, his face changes as he tries to get his equilibrium back. We end up talking for a long time, and when he tells me of his scholarship at the London Academy Of Art and of Lil's illness I act surprised.

I don't want Cyn or him to know I have been keeping tabs on what is happening in their lives, as I don't think it will be well received - not that I can blame them, I totally screwed up all those years ago.....

As soon as Jules finishes talking, I let him know how proud I am of him, and that I will never be able to put it into words of how sorry I am. Words mean little, and I need to show both Cyn and Jules my actions match my words.

When we get the hard conversations out of the way, I tell Jules I would like a chance to talk to Cyn too, and to my surprise, my son quickly responds by telling me that is not a good idea.

Judging by the look on his face, I am guessing Cyn has taken my comments and interview more than just to heart. When Jules tells me how much it broke her heart, and that she cried for days I started to cry myself.

Years ago when I was a nobody Cyn was the one person who believed in me, when so many others didn't. I know I have no right to ask her for forgiveness, and it is for purely selfish reasons, but I need her to hear what I feel....

After having a long chat with Jules, he asks to go home as he is worried about not being there when Cyn comes home from the hospital seeing Lil.

To be honest, I don't have much time for Lil, but knowing how hard the last few months have been for Cyn and her brothers I know I need to ensure Lil is well taken care of, no matter the expense....

I call a taxi for Jules, and when it arrives I give him some money for the fare. He thanks me and I tell him I am here for him and Cyn, and they are both welcome to contact me anytime. I give Jules my number, and he puts it in his pocket.

When the taxi drives away tears fall from my eyes, this could be the last time I ever talk to my eldest son, and the thought both hurts and terrifies me......
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After what one can best describe as an awkward reunion, I am now in a taxi on the way home. When Dad and I both said what we had to say, I need to think about what Dad has just told me.

When he asked about seeing Mum, I looked at him in disbelief. Of all the people who have been the hurt by his actions and words, Mum has felt it more than anyone.

Dad has not got any idea of how much pain he has caused Mum, and I don't want to put her through any more. I know it is not my decision to make, but for the time being, it is.

I need to put Mum first, and to my surprise Dad gives me his phone number, and tells me Mum and I can call him anytime. Even though I put his number in my pocket, I am unsure if I will ever use it or tell Mum about it.

To my surprise, Dad not only calls me a taxi but he also gives me money for the ride as well. If I wasn't short of money I wouldn't have accepted Dad paying for the fare, as I don't want to give him any false hopes.

Luckily for me, I get home before Mum has returned from the hospital. I quickly head upstairs and take my jacket off, and make myself a cuppa tea. I have so much to think about, yet I have no idea where to start.....
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Today has gone so slowly. I am here at the hospital with Mum, and after leaving Julian at home this morning I am concerned something is wrong. He said he wasn't feeling well, but I know better - this is about John, and I have no idea how to help my son.

Seeing John has brought it all back, the good, the bad and the painful. I know we will have to meet at some point, but right now, I don't know if I can handle seeing him, if I ever will....