My Life And Rock'n'Roll

Chapter 24 - All Over Again

I am in complete shock. After so long of no contact, John was not only standing in front of me, but the moment we locked eyes it was like our younger years all over again.

I can't recall the last time John and I shared that connection, but knowing what he has said about Julian and I to Rolling Stone Magazine, I am heartbroken, heartbroken beyond words.

Seeing him in front of me was a total surprise, but as soon as I collected myself I had to break the connection. I was so happy to see Julian there behind me, and give me the comfort I so desperately needed.

I could vaguely hear Astrid trying to talk to me, and John trying to talk to Julian, but right then we seemed to think along the same lines - to get out of there.

When we left The Avenue we were fortunate enough to get a taxi, and we are now home. I am crying my eyes out, and I can feel how tense Julian is. I need him to tell me how he feels, as regardless of my issues with John, they are nowhere near as important as my son's issues with his father.....
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After Cyn and Jules left, Astrid quickly caught up with Pete and I, and as the exhibition was closing at 5, we decided to have a talk at the pub down the road.

Luckily nobody noticed me as I was trying to talk with Jules, and right now, I need to keep myself out of the limelight. While it has always been the plan to see Cyn and Jules, I wasn't prepared for what I need to say, or that it would be only a day after I arrived back.

Now the cat is out of the bag, and I need to get my act together. Pete and I have headed to the pub, and we have got ourselves a drink while waiting for Astrid. Pete can see the apprehension on my face, and I know this is going to be my one and only chance to make things right - and I need to make them count....
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What a mess! This morning I was contemplating how I would tell Cynthia of John's return, now they have come face to face, I saw the look in their eyes.

They both clearly still love each other, and I saw for the first time John show a deep level of emotion. For so long John has been known to keep his feelings to himself.

Now, witnessing first hand just how deep his feelings for Cynthia are, and her reactions to seeing him do I know this will be no easy task. The exhibition has just closed for the day, and I am heading to the pub to meet John and Pete. I have no idea how things will turn out - but I have to say if anyone deserves another chance, it is John and Cyn.....
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Today has been a difficult day. What started out as a great day turned for the worse. I didn't expect to see Dad, or that Mum would react the way she did.

Years ago I had heard stories about their love for each other, and while I was very young when they split, I never knew of their deep kismet with each other - until today.

Watching them both made me realise there was so much more to their relationship than I ever knew, and I saw the impact they have on each other. Mum is only just calming down, and she is asking me to open up to her.

I am speechless right now, and I am still processing my emotions. They are predominately of anger and hurt, and I am questioning whether I can forgive Dad or even want to talk to him, let alone see him again.

I embrace Mum and give her the comfort she so desperately needs, and I now have so much to think about. People have said time heals all wounds, but I can't say that this applies to me....

I tell Mum the truth, that my emotions are all over the place, and I need to process what has happened. Mum nods her head and gives me a resemblance of a smile. I know I am having difficulty getting my head around this, I can only imagine what Mum is feeling.....
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Oh boy! Of all the things I thought would happen today, John seeing Cynthia and Julian was definitely not one of them.

Since John told me he wanted to return here to England, Beth and I have considered so many scenarios of how and when John would reach out to his first family - neither of us expected or even considered that it would happen at the exhibition, or so soon after he arrived back.

Seeing the reaction on John's face when he saw Cynthia, I saw firsthand what I have always thought - John and Cynthia are a rare couple. Their love and feelings for each other go beyond the normal.

Seeing them looking only at each other makes me realise no matter what happened in the past, the level of emotion between them is still there.

Since we have been here at the pub, John has barely said a word. I can see how this is affecting him, and I am trying to do all I can to support my best friend.

Astrid has walked in, and when she spots us she notices John's demeanour. Once she gets a glass of wine and sits down, John starts firing questions at her. I am astonished at John's quick turnaround, but in all truthfulness, I can see he needs this....

For the next hour or so I just listen to John and Astrid - this is a conversation that it is very much needed. If John has any chance of reconnecting with Cynthia and Julian, he needs to hear how hard life has been for them - even if he is not prepared to hear it.....