My Life And Rock'n'Roll

Chapter 7 - 'The Beatle First Lady'

Being on tour was not the glamorous lifestyle people envisioned. Between the fans, press and our security life on the road was anything but idyllic.

When The Beatles toured America for the first time, we were all petrified of failure. Believe it or not, I asked Cyn to come with us, as I had reservations on our popularity and chances of success.

When we left Heathrow, Cyn saw for the first time just how big Beatlemania had become, and with that was the start of just what was to come.

Fans, mostly young girls, were either screaming, chanting, crying or fainting - at our presence. As great as this sounds, we all found it rather bewildering, and our Manager, Brian Epstein was strict on how were to be perceived in and by the public.

Cyn was not to be recognised as my wife, and Julian was not to be recognised as my son. Brian wanted the image of all four of us single and available, and, in the beginning Cyn and I put up with it.

As we became more popular, and the media found out about Cynthia and Julian that I wanted it known they are my family. To our surprise, it made me more popular if you can believe that - many respected and admired that I was living a normal life outside of the band.

For the first few years, life was good. Between juggling all my Beatle commitments and my own personal schedule for books, appearances and interviews I didn't have much time for anything else.

Cyn was fantastic at looking after my interests at home, even when I was touring. To our astonishment, the media nicknamed her 'The Beatle First Lady.' I was so proud of her, and so delighted with the perceptions and impressions the fans and press alike had of her.

Slowly over time, I began to resent the restrictions my marriage was having on me. While we were touring, we all had countless liaisons with numerous women. On top of that, even when I was home I had what some would call flings - usually with attractive women I had encountered as A Beatle.

Those flings didn't last, and I always wanted to go back to Cyn. There was no expectation of anything extra - until I started having secret rendezvous with Alma Cogan.

Alma was so different. She was sexy, intelligent, and much older than me. I found her desirable in so many ways, to which I believed she was my late mother incarnate.

When we started seeing each other, I never expected to be so infatuated with her. The thrill of acting like a single man chasing after this mature older woman was very alluring, and we had so many passionate liaisons I believed I was falling in love with her.

Cyn, being the loyal and beautiful woman she is, never suspected my infidelities, and if she did, she never mentioned it. Alma and I started out seeing each other once a week, and as my desire for her grew, I found more ways of sneaking around to see her.

While many would say that sounds simple, it actually wasn't. Alma was engaged to another man, and her family thought highly of him. We knew it would be difficult to maintain a steady relationship, as her faith would never recognise us as a couple due to my marriage, as in the Jewish Faith it is unacceptable to wed a divorced man.

Looking back, I never really had the intention of leaving Cyn. As fate would have it, Alma and I chose to part ways. My desire for her eventually faded out, and she had intentions of marrying her fiancée. As time passed, after we parted ways did I realise I wasn't in love with her. It may have been lust, but it was never love.

I knew I was not the husband to Cyn and father to Julian I should have been, and in my own way, my indiscretions proved how little I thought of her, Julian and our marriage. I couldn't help myself back then, as to be honest, I was getting the best of both worlds - at home and away.....

I felt bitter about so many things in my life, that my coping mechanism was to use that bitterness for my own personal desires. It was during those years my marriage began to crumble, and Cyn had no idea how to reach me.

I started to party heavily, and, life with the band was becoming unbearable for me. I needed an outlet, and I sadly turned my back on what should have mattered to me most - my wife and son.

During our final year of touring, I gave an interview to journalist and friend Maureen Cleeve. I made mention of so many things, one of which my opinion 'The Beatles were bigger than Jesus.'

This caused a large uproar in the USA, so much so all four of us were concerned for our safety, and I was receiving death threats. I never expected those comments to enrage anyone, however, as it was perceived that way I faced the reality that I may not come back from that tour, alive.....

The day we were to depart for that tour, I held Cyn in my arms for hours. I didn't want to leave her and Jules, as I didn't know what was coming when we got to America.

The US tour was hectic. Issues surrounding my comments followed us everywhere, to the point of me having to apologise to an assembled media conference in Chicago. The others were also receiving threats, and, I hoped by clearing the air, our tour would end on a better note than it began......

The partying became more of a necessity than the reality, and with this I started to lose all sense of focus and purpose. I am starting to tear up, and Andy stops the tape.