My Life And Rock'n'Roll

Chapter 5 - My Grief

I didn't handle life very well. Cyn tried valiantly to show me I had her and Jules, but that made me fall further in the hole. I began to resent them both, and the life I thought I could have had as a single man.

It was during my partying I met Yoko Ono through mutual friends, and we started each other in the same social circles. One weekend, while Cyn was away with Jules, I had a party at my home in Kenwood. I was high as I could be, and Yoko and I went upstairs to my studio for a break from the madness.

We got to talking, and something clicked, Yoko showed me she was like my mother, and that turned me on. I was ready to explode, and as soon as Yoko touched me, I was under her spell.

Without thinking, we started taking each other's clothes off, and we had hot sex on the floor of my studio. I felt alive, and feeling like I was having sex with my mother was a huge turn on. We ended up taking more drugs and having sex over and over. I thought I was falling in love with Yoko, and being with her was what I thought my future to be.

Cyn came home early Sunday, and found us together in the studio. She was shattered, and I didn't register just how much I had hurt her. She took Jules and left, and soon after filed for divorce. It didn't occur to me Cyn would ever leave me, and when she did, Yoko moved into Kenwood with me and we began our relationship.

Yoko hated living in Kenwood, and wanted a place that didn't remind me of Cyn and Jules. When we found another place to live, Yoko made it plain Cyn and Jules are not my family. Yoko was my family now, and as she told me about her problems seeing her daughter she made it plain I was forbidden from seeing Jules.

I made the biggest mistake of my life, I promised her she was all I needed. We continued to party and get high together, and my divorce from Cyn was now final. Yoko didn't like England, and I had finally had enough of The Beatles, so we moved to her favourite City, New York.

Over the years I had thought a lot about Cynthia and Julian, and I knew I had made a huge mistake, but I was too much of a coward to attempt to make amends with them for what I had done. Like all couples Yoko and I had our issues, and we took a break from each other in 1973.

When I was living with my then girlfriend, May Pang, she convinced me to make the effort with Cynthia and Julian so I reached out to them and they made the trip over. It felt great to be able to be civil with Cyn, and to spend time with Jules. I felt moments of nostalgia when they were there, but I knew I had broken both of them.

I was also missing Yoko, and not long after we got back together in 1975 I left May like I did Cyn and Jules. I never looked back. Yoko and I made up for lost time, so much so Yoko fell pregnant with our son, Sean. We planned to have him, and I kept thinking of how Jules wasn't planned and Sean was.

I saw very little of Jules after Sean was born, as Yoko said Sean was my responsibility and Julian could look after himself. I should have been a man and looked after Jules too, but I didn't.

Within two years, Yoko and I had drifted apart, so much so I believed she had a lover. I felt trapped, and Sean was all I had to keep me sane. It was around this time I started to realise just how badly I have treated Cynthia and Julian, to the point of breaking down and crying over them for the first time since I left England.

It finally dawned on me just how much I still love Cynthia, and miss having her and Jules in my life. I was so angry and resentful of myself for treating them the way my father treated me.

When Rolling Stone Magazine approached us to do an interview, the deal was Yoko and I get half of the interview each. I was so keen to do it, and when we did the interview I had a lot to say, and I recall making statements about my first marriage and Jules. Yoko was pitching in with her views, and I ended up saying things that were not only untrue, but incredibly cruel and hurtful.

When the article came out, Yoko was proud of it. Me, when I read what I had said, I was mortified. I implied Jules was born out of a whiskey bottle on a Saturday Night, and I was pressured into marrying Cynthia.

When I received feedback from my friends back home about the article, it was then I became aware of just how cruel and nasty my comments were. I heard Cyn cried for days, and Jules refused to talk to anyone about it - he closed himself off.....

I felt so angry with myself. It was then I realised I was no better than my own father, and with that I know what I have to do. I will be returning to England soon, and I want Cyn and Jules to know just how sorry I am, for everything. Words will never come close to how badly I have hurt them, but I have to at least try....