Messy. Complicated. Simply stupid.
Those are the words that Y/n would describe any relationship she's ever been in. In fact, after her fathers passing in a car wreck, that's how she would describe her life as a whole. It gets even more complicated w...
A/N: ok real quickly i really shoulda put this in chapter one but I didn't sooo I just wanted to say I'm not in any way trying to romanticize grief or make light of mental health issues even though they are very prominent in this book. I'm not trying to offend anyone because I know this is something a lot of people go through so please know that isn't my intention to hurt people without even thinking about it. If you are struggling with grief or anxiety or anything like that, please talk with others and just know things will get better. I love you for reading and enjoy this mess of a book.💕
Y/n's POV:
I stand next to the sleek black box that is slowly being lowered into the ground. I'm holding my mother's hand and tug at the itchy black dress with my other hand. Everything around me makes me want to scream. I look at the teary-eyed people that didn't give a shit about my father when he was alive. Why do they care now that he's gone?
I want my mom to hold me and tell me that everything's going to be okay even though she doesn't believe it herself. The mere fact that I know she doesn't believe it scares me. Stupid itchy dress. Stupid broken promises. Stupid heartbreaks. Stupid, stupid, stupid.
And on top of that, a stupid boy that didn't show up to his stupid girlfriend's fathers funeral. A stupid boy that leaves his girlfriend the next day because he can't deal with the mess she's become. Stupid. So fucking stupid.
The memory makes me have to get out of bed and pace my room. I look at the new clock Tony installed that shows it's three in the morning. I'm starting school today, and I should be excited, but I'm hella nervous. Peter has told me all about it, and has even given me a girl named M.J.'s number so I can at least have someone else that I know already. Peters incredibly excited for me, and he's so distracted by it that he can't even tell how nervous I am.
The main reasons I'm nervous: One, I can't say I've been social in a while. I mean, talking to gods is much different than to other high schoolers. Two, I'm starting school in the middle of the year, so everyone already knows each other. I'll just be the weird new kid. On top of that, I have to lie about who I am and that I am an Avenger. Not only that, I have to cover up Peters identity too. And three, basically to sum it up, I'm scared I'm going to kill someone again. For the past few months, I've felt like I've uncovered this part of myself I didn't know was there. I keep on surprising myself more and more and I'm afraid I will lose control. I honestly would rather be homeschooled than this, but I know I have to start new.
I turn on the light and rearrange my things in my bag for the third time. Once that's done, I try to fall back asleep but I can't. I listen to some slow music to calm down but it doesn't work. I tiptoe out to the kitchen and get a glass of water. I dance a little to the music but stop immediately when I hear a noise behind me. Bucky is there also holding a glass of water.
"Oh um hey Barnes." He nods and takes a sip of his water. He really looks like shit but I don't tell him that. "Are you okay?" I ask instead. He looks distant. "I'm fine. Just bad dreams. What about you kid?" That is the most words I've ever heard him say to me. I sit down and put my chin in my hand.
"Eh. I could be better." He laughs quietly and nods. "I'm just nervous and it woke me up and I can't fall back asleep." I tell him. The light from the espresso machine illuminates his features, making him seem eerie. "Shit I'm sorry I shouldn't be complaining." I say, realizing I could be in a much worse position. "No don't be sorry. I have the same problem as you." I smile and stand up, drinking the last bit of my water and putting my cup in the sink. "Well, I would just try to think about things that make you happy or some shit like that I don't know. If you go to bed and try to sleep then I will try too." I tell him and put my hand on his not metal shoulder. I've never been good with comforting people but he seems to take it and starts to walk toward his room.
"Oh and Y/n? You'll have to stop with the language if you want to last a day at real school." He says and I laugh. "Steve is wearing off on you isn't he?" Bucky smiles and bids me goodnight. I go back to bed and try to sleep as promised.
My clock starts going off at six and I realize I did end up falling asleep. I get dressed and cover up the bags under my eyes the best I can. There's an anxious knot tightening at the bottom of my stomach that I know won't leave today.
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So I imagine it to be something like this but no midriff showing because apparently belly buttons are sexy to middle aged gym teachers anyways-
I grab my bag after putting on my shoes and stand in front of the mirror. "Ok Y/n. Top things. No saying you're SpiderWoman. Don't stick to things or throw people into walls. Talk to people and try to make friends. Not that hard. Not at all." The mere thought makes me want to puke. I get a text from my mom basically saying the same thing I just said to myself. I send back a quick reply and walk into the kitchen. I get a granola bar and try to eat it. It feels stuck in my throat and I wash it down with a glass of orange juice that gets stuck to my hand. After struggling to get it off, Peter comes in wearing a blue sweater with a flannel underneath that's almost identical to the one I'm wearing. He's combed his hair down but I like it better when it's messy. He looks me up and down and smiles.
"Hi Y/n." He greets me but I can only nod. My throat feels like sandpaper and I know I will stick to anything I touch. "You ready?" He asks, a tinge of nervousness showing. Before I can answer Tony comes walking in.
"Alright kids you better hurry if you don't want to be late. Y/n, remember our deal. No neck snapping." I fake laugh and walk to the elevator with Peter. "Bye Mr. Stark!" Peter calls. "Kiss ass." I murmur and he nudges me in the side. Silence befalls upon us again which pushes me farther to the edge of sanity.
"You're gonna love this school. I mean, I don't exactly but M.J. and Ned are cool. The classes are great and hopefully we'll be in a few of the same ones." He says sheepishly. I want to take his hand but I know it'll get stuck. He realizes how I'm not responding. "You okay?" He asks me but I brush off the question. "Just distract me please." I tell him and I try my best to pay attention to what he's saying. He tells me we're taking the bus and the route. He fills the silence with tips about the school and distracts me until we're on the lawn of the school. My heart races a hundred miles per hour and Peter can sense that. He takes my hand.
"Thank you for the gesture but you're gonna get stuck." I say but he shrugs. "So let me be stuck. You're worried." I nod. "Incredibly." He turns to me and rubs my arms. "Hey it's okay trust me you're amazing and if they don't see that then screw them." My eyes widen and I look around. "Language." I whisper and he smiles. I relax a little. "Remember. You've been homeschooled and you met me when you moved in across the hall from me. You have no relations to the Avengers at all." I roll my eyes but smile nervously. "I know I know. I'm not entirely nervous for that. I'm just nervous that I'll lose control." I become panicked again and Peter hugs me. I'm wrapped in his strong arms and amazing scent. I nestle my head in his sweater when I hear the bell ring. "If you feel like that then just call me and I'll come help you. Relax it's going to be okay." Peter whispers into my ear before letting me go. People are already looking at me and him but he takes my hand and I feel a little bit better.
"Hi Y/n." Someone says. I turn and see a tall, curly haired girl walking next to me. I recognize her right away from a picture she had sent to me when I first got her number. "M.J." I say and smile. It's good to see her in person. "Welcome to the shit show L/n."
