Torn [SHAWN MENDES]

~9~

Taryn got comfortable on the couch in Amber's office, tucking her legs underneath her. She took a sip from her mug of tea, which her therapist kindly provided, and launched into her recent issues.

"I've been having the bad dreams more frequently. Some nights I'm afraid to go to sleep because I know the entire next day will be ruined if I have it."

Amber nodded. "Has anything happened recently that might be triggering this?"

"I went to the wedding with Julian, which led to a discussion about when we'll get married. You know how anxious that subject makes me, and anxiety often leads to the dreams." She figured she'd start with this reason rather than jumping into the more probable cause. No need to get Amber upset with her right off the bat.

"I've known you long enough that I feel I can be blunt, but if I'm crossing a line, you can tell me," her therapist said plainly. "I think you need to consider that you don't want to marry Julian."

Taryn shifted in her seat. "I appreciate your frankness, and I've already considered that. The thing is...I'm never going to find a more perfect partner. Jules is kind and loving and he accepts all of my flaws. He doesn't judge me for my past. He knew when we started dating that I was still hung up on Shawn, and he understood rather than let his jealousy take over."

"There's no arguing that Julian is a fantastic man, but that's all the more reason to not string him along if you aren't going to marry him."

"I'm not stringing him along! I want to be with him, but I'm not sure that marriage is necessary for that. We aren't going to have kids, so why bother?" Saying the last sentence hurt, even if it was a fact.

"Why did you accept when he proposed? You'd only been together six months. Why the rush?"

Sometimes talking to Amber was like hanging out with a best friend. She had the same caring yet painfully honest persona that a close friend should have. This was what Taryn needed since it forced her to be truthful with herself.

"The obvious answer is that I rushed into a serious relationship with Jules because Shawn got married and was expecting a baby. I know you think he came along when I was at my most vulnerable, but it isn't that simple. Knowing that Shawn had moved on was a good thing. It made me realize that I needed to do the same and open myself up to the possibility of love. And I do love Jules."

"But?"

This was the part that was so hard to admit. She took another sip of the lemon herbal tea to stall a second. "But...I don't love him as much as I love Shawn."

"That stinks for Julian."

"I guess, but it's not something I can control. Am I supposed to live the rest of my life alone because I'm incapable of getting over my ex-husband? Or am I allowed to be happy again?"

"Of course you're allowed happiness, but it shouldn't be a result of settling," Amber asserted.

"I could settle for someone a hell of a lot worse than Julian Laurent!"

"How do you think he'd feel if he heard you say that?"

A lump formed in Taryn's throat. "It would hurt him, and he doesn't deserve that. I hate myself for not loving him more."

"It's possible that you could fall deeper in love with him if you got over Shawn, though I often question whether you want to do that. Are you still following him on social media?"

"Yes, and that brings us to what I think is the main reason I had the dream. The night before, I saw photos of Shawn with his wife and baby at the beach."