Torn [SHAWN MENDES]

~74~

"Thank you! I love you all!" Shawn screamed into the mic before exiting the stage.

"Great set, man," the drummer for the next act said as he walked past him.

It had indeed been a great set. The crowd's energy was electrifying and that had fueled his performance so he could take it to a whole other level. He talked with his band as they maneuvered through the secure area behind the stage, thanking them again for their amazing musicianship. When he got to his private trailer, he grabbed a towel and mopped the sweat off his face and hair. An hour later he was back in his luxury suite, showered and waiting on his late night meal from room service. He wasn't flying home until late the next night because he'd scheduled some promotional events in Rio.

Looking at his phone, he saw he had several texts from Yaz with pictures of Piper and Daffy. They'd basically been sharing custody of the dog, too, which Shawn was happy about. He thought about replying, but it would be the middle of the night in California and he didn't want to disturb Yasmin. He looked at the photos of his daughter a few more times and smiled. She recently started potty training and in one sequence of pictures she was picking out "big girl panties" for when she was ready to graduate from the pull-on diapers she was in now.

Shawn had a couple other messages from his family. His mum sent a photo of a pie she'd made for Thanksgiving, which was the following day. Aaliyah texted him photos of her three kids riding horses at a farm, and he couldn't believe they were adding another activity to their full schedules, though this one looked pretty fun. He made a mental note to FaceTime everyone around their dinner time and to post something on Instagram about the holiday since he was bad at keeping up with that stuff.

A knock at the door announced the arrival of his food. He handed the young man a generous tip and carried the covered tray over to the dining area. He'd ordered a simple meal of Brazilian stew, salad, and bread, which he enjoyed with a cold beer. Since he was alone and had no one to converse with, he ate quickly, letting out a loud burp when he was finished. He then stripped down to his boxers and crawled into the crisp white hotel sheets.

Only he couldn't sleep.

For whatever reason, Taryn was on his mind. This happened frequently, but on this October night, it was worse than normal. As hard as he tried to untangle it, his brain was wrapped around her like the arms of an octopus. He stared up at the ceiling and it dawned on him why he couldn't shake her from his thoughts. When he'd performed at the festival, he'd sung the Grammy winning song he'd famously written for her just before things started going bad, and the crowd had gone almost completely silent as they turned on their phone flashlights. This piece wasn't typically on his setlist, but he'd been given a larger time slot than normal, so he'd thrown it in at the last minute. His band hadn't even rehearsed it, so he'd played the simple melody on his acoustic guitar.

He hummed the song alone in his hotel room and remembered when he'd written it.

"There's nothing more beautiful in the universe than your eyes," he told her as they laid facing each other in bed.

"You say that, but when I look in the mirror, I just see regular old blue eyes," Taryn responded as her hand caressed his shoulder.

"You don't see what I see, I guess. To me, they are bluer than any ocean and they sparkle more than the brightest diamond."

"Such a sweet talker. I might get a cavity."

Frowning, he said, "I'm not saying it to be romantic. I love your eyes I could write a whole song about them."

"For a long time you couldn't write about me at all, and now you're saying you can compose an ode to my eyes?"

Shawn sat up. "I can and I will!"

Climbing out of bed, he threw on some sweats and went to his basement studio. An hour later, he returned and found his wife sound asleep. He thought about waiting until the morning, but he was proud of what he'd accomplished so he kissed her on the lips to wake her up.

"Hi," she said sleepily. "Why do you have your guitar?"

"Because I'm gonna play you your song."

He sat down cross-legged and strummed the melody before he began to softly singing the words. The ballad wasn't just about her eyes, but they were the focus of the chorus. When he was done, he saw that Taryn was wiping away tears. "Baby...don't cry."

"I can't help it! That song is incredible!"

He grinned widely. "Told ya I could do it! I'm going to record and release it."

"Are you sure? Maybe it should just be ours."

"I want the whole world to hear it because it came from deep in my heart. You can't deny me that satisfaction!"

"There's one type of satisfaction I definitely can't deny you. Put the guitar down and get back under the covers with me."

Shawn found himself palming his suddenly-erect penis through his boxers as he recalled how incredibly Taryn had satisfied him that night.

"No!" he said out loud as he pulled his hand away. She'd never know that he used her memory to get off, but if he was going to stop pushing her, he needed to take a step back from this kind of thing, too.

******

Shawn walked into his hotel room after his promos and collapsed on the couch. Performing on stage for two hours was less exhausting than being interviewed and photographed. Checking his watch, he noted that he wouldn't have to leave for the airport for another ninety minutes. A nap would be nice, but connecting with his family in Pickering would be even better.

"Hey you!" Aaliyah said brightly when she accepted his request to FaceTime. "How's beautiful South America?"

"Great, but I'm ready to get home. Happy Thanksgiving. It sounds like quite a party from the background noise."

"Dad is playing his music too loud. Let me step out of the kitchen," his sister said as she started walking.

Shawn saw a flash of red hair on the screen as she rounded the corner to go upstairs. "Is Taryn there?" he stammered.

Aaliyah nodded. "Yes. Patricia, too. We haven't all been together in ages and mum really wanted to include them today."

"Oh. That's...great. I guess I won't get to chat with everyone at once."

When he was a teenager and first went on tour, he had to miss several holidays and family gatherings. That's when the tradition of these video calls started, and they'd always helped him feel less homesick. Someone would either hold the phone up so the whole Mendes crew was in the frame or they'd prop it up on the counter. A few times they put it on the table as they ate and he almost felt like he was there with them. He was hoping to speak to everyone together on this holiday, but with Taryn there, he wasn't going to suggest it.

"You could call back after dinner. I'll text you when they leave."

"I'll be on the plane by then," Shawn said glumly.

"Sorry. I think it might be weird if we do our usual thing. Taryn seems kind of off anyway, and I don't want to make things more uncomfortable."

"Is she okay? Has something happened?" he asked with a concerned expression.

"Relax. She's fine, but after what happened last year, it's different."

"She wasn't to blame for any of that, so I hope no one is making her feel bad. The whole thing was my fault."

"It took two to tango, but don't worry...no one has mentioned it and we're acting like we always do. There's a sadness in her eyes," Aaliyah explained.

Shawn's heart sank at the thought of Taryn being unhappy. "You should get back to the party. I'll text you when I land in California."

They said their goodbyes and then Shawn got out his leather-bound journal. Niles suggested writing down his feelings when guilt flooded his conscience, and it had been helping a lot. He wrote until he'd filled three pages.