Torn [SHAWN MENDES]

~29~

Taryn and Hendrix rounded the corner and jogged the last half a block to the house. When they got inside, she let out a contented sigh. "It's so cozy in here compared to outside."

Hen ran over to the counter that held the treat jar and sat, waiting patiently for his reward for being such a good boy on their walk.

"Okay, but just one," she said before getting him a small bone.

She kicked her shoes off in the mud room and made a mug of coffee which she took into the family room. Tucking her legs underneath her, she got comfy on the couch and opened her phone.

There was a text from Jules saying he'd been late to work because of a road closure. Her mom sent a recipe for pumpkin bread with a cheesecake swirl, which she saved because it sounded delish. She had a couple important emails related to work as well as one from a roofer they'd requested an estimate from. She loved their old house, but it felt like they were constantly throwing money at repairs.

She went to Instagram and perused her feed, finding the usual assortment of selfies, memes, vacation, and food pics. If she clicked on her explore feed, there'd inevitably be photos of Shawn. So far her morning had been pleasant, and she was in a positive frame of mind, so she took the risk for the first time in weeks. Sure enough, several photos appeared, and before she could stop herself, she clicked on the first one which was posted by Entertainment Weekly.

It was a family photo of Shawn, Yasmin, and Piper. The caption explained that it was taken at the baby's first birthday party. She swiped to see the other photos and was struck by the scale of the party. The photos were clearly taken by a professional photographer, and she wondered if Shawn or his wife had sent them off to news agencies for publication. It seemed unlike him to do that, but maybe he was into self-promotion these days.

Out of curiosity, she went to his account and saw that the party had been over a week ago. He'd only shared a few photos, and they focused on his adorable daughter instead of the fancy event. He looked happy. This was a relief, because if he had any regrets about her, it wasn't impacting his life too negatively.

She refreshed her explore feed and a blurb about Yasmin appeared. It said that she'd made a triumphant post-baby return to modeling and was rumored to be on an upcoming cover of Vogue Italy. She'd also been hired to be the face of Stella McCartney's spring collection. Taryn sighed and closed up her phone.

An hour later, she was at her appointment with Amber.

"Last visit you were shaken by Shawn's declaration. How are you feeling about that now?"

"Better. I've given it a lot of thought, and I am positive that seeing me again triggered some emotions that he confused with genuine feelings. The same thing happened to me. I saw him and everything came flooding back. That doesn't mean it was real, just temporary insanity."

Amber raised an eyebrow. "We've spent two years talking about how difficult it's been for you to let go of Shawn, and now you've had an epiphany that none of that was real?"

"I'm not saying that I don't have real feelings for him, but they aren't strong enough to overpower how happy I am with Jules. I'd never jeopardize my relationship with him."

"Hmmmm."

Taryn rolled her eyes. "What's that mean?"

"You have told me many times that you still love Shawn and that you love him more than you love Jules. Now you're making it sound like seeing Shawn helped you get over him. If this is true, then I'm both impressed and pleased, but I'm sensing that you're trying to convince me- and more importantly yourself- of this fact because it's what you want. Lying to me is one thing, but lying to yourself is dangerous."

Taryn looked away from Amber's piercing eyes for a second. "I think I need a new therapist who doesn't know me so well."

Chuckling, Amber opened up her drawer and pulled out some peanut butter cups from her stash and tossed one to her client before opening the wrapper on one for herself. "You'd never. You know I'm not calling you on your bullshit to be a bitch; I just need you to be honest with yourself."

"Sometimes it's nicer to lie."

"No doubt. Maybe we need to go back to square one. Do you think you can get over Shawn?"

Taryn slowly chewed her piece of candy as she formulated an answer. "What does it mean to get over someone? Do you mean can I get to a point where I stop thinking about him? That's impossible considering he's famous!"

"His media presence definitely poses a problem. To me, getting over him doesn't mean you don't think about him. I think it's fine to reflect back on your time together with both sadness and fondness. It's more about your feelings for him no longer having a hold on you. You need to release yourself from his grasp."

"That's not easy to do when he shows up and tells me he can't forget me! For fuck's sake, he pretty much said that he is happy with his life, but he wishes I was the one sharing it with him."

"But on some level, having him tell you that validated your own lingering feelings, right?" Amber asked.

Taryn scoffed. "Well yeah...it made me feel a little relief that I'm not the only one who is still attached. But it also made things worse because there's nothing we can do about it."

"That's not necessarily true, but the path to doing something will undoubtedly hurt others along the way."

"I don't want to hurt Jules, and although I've never met her, I don't want Yasmin to get hurt, either. There's also Piper; that darling baby doesn't deserve to get caught up in all this." She shifted positions on the couch. "And I know deep down that even if Shawn and I found some semblance of happiness together again, we might also find all the reasons why we divorced in the first place and go through that hell a second time."

"There are no guarantees in life, which is one of the reasons I have so many clients. Life is painful and unpredictable. I wish I had an easy answer for you, but I don't. Have you ever seen the movie Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind?"

Taryn shook her head.

"The premise is that a couple has broken up and the woman undergoes a procedure to forget her ex-boyfriend completely. I won't spoil it, because I think watching it might be good for you, but the ultimate message is that our memories and experiences shape us profoundly."

"I take it I shouldn't watch this with Jules?"

"Not unless you want to have a very frank discussion with him about it, which I doubt you're ready to have."

After her therapy session, Taryn went to Ford's and worked until closing since Julian wouldn't be home for dinner. When she crawled into bed, he muttered a garbled greeting to her in French before falling back asleep. She was physically exhausted, but she knew she wouldn't drift off for hours.

She eased herself out of bed without waking her partner and crept down the creaky stairs. She found the movie Amber had mentioned on Netflix and queued it up. A little under two hours later, she found herself sobbing into Hendrix's fur as he dutifully leaned against her for support. She considered sending her therapist a nasty text for causing her such extreme duress, but then the message of the film started to sink in.

There's a famous saying that goes, "It's better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all." This movie took that idea a step further, and it was definitely relatable to her situation. It was better to have loved Shawn and lost him, even though the memories were both painful and beautiful, than to never have experienced all those things with him. He'd helped her grow and change, and their relationship, tumultuous as it was, brought so much to her life. She needed to move forward by embracing what they had and what they lost rather than wallowing in how much it hurt to no longer have it.