Torn [SHAWN MENDES]

~37~

"That's the last of it," Jules said after carrying a stack of cardboard boxes to the small van he rented.

Taryn wiped away the tear that was rolling down her cheek. "I'm going to miss you so much."

"I'll miss you, too." He wrapped his arms around her and they stood silently in the foyer for several moments.

"I'm so sorry," she said into his chest. "I ruined everything, but more than that, I hurt you."

"You've apologized at least a hundred times over the last three weeks, and I've forgiven you every time. I'm not mad at you about what happened; I'm upset with myself for not recognizing the problem earlier. I let my heart rule my head, which was a mistake."

"Your heart is the most pure and wonderful thing about you. Don't ever stop listening to it." She paused for a second. "Can I call you later?"

"Taryn..." He held her by the shoulders at arms' length. "I'm going to need some space. Eventually I want us to be friends, but for the time being, I have to learn to live without you. But I want you to know that if you ever truly need anything, I'll be there for you."

She sobbed harder. "I never deserved you."

He wasn't sure how to reply to that, so he gave her one last hug and a kiss on the forehead before squatting down to scratch Hendrix behind the ears. "Be a good boy."

Jules was halfway to the car when she came running after him with something in her extended hand. "Here," she said, revealing their engagement ring which she'd stopped wearing weeks ago. "I can't keep this."

"It was a gift."

Taryn shook her head. "No, it was a promise, and I broke it."

He took it and shoved it in his jeans pocket. "Your mom is coming over?" He was a bit worried about her state of mind.

"In a little while. She's going to stay here a few days."

"Good. I guess this is it." He climbed into the car and they both said goodbye.

She couldn't look as he drove away, so she walked back in the house. Hendrix followed her upstairs and watched as the threw herself onto the bed and started crying. Ever since she kissed Shawn, she'd been overwhelmed by the guilt. Then after she told Julian and he ended things, she'd been overwhelmed with sadness over losing someone so incredible. Now she was overwhelmed by how badly she'd fucked up her life. She was still in bed sobbing when Tricia rang the doorbell two hours later.

"Well aren't you a mess," her mother said before enveloping her red-faced daughter in her arms. "I've got wine and a whole batch of chocolate chip cookies, so let's go talk."

They went into the living room and sat down on the sofa after Patricia put the rosé in the fridge.

"I'm such a failure," Taryn moaned.

"That's not true. You're a successful business owner and a wonderful person. That's not failing!"

"I'm not a wonderful person! I kissed my ex and hurt the best person in the world." Taryn had told her mother about what happened with Shawn a few days after she confessed to Jules.

"Darling, you know how much I adore Julian. I knew from the start, however, that you rushed into a serious relationship with him. Your mistake wasn't kissing Shawn; it was getting engaged while you were still in love with him."

"That makes me an even worse person! I swear, I wanted to love him like I love Shawn. I tried so hard. What's wrong with me that I can't let go of my first love?" she asked.

"Part of being a human is being unable to control who we love. Richie was a monster, yet I was in love with him. It took a long time for me to get over the fact that I basically chose a man over the well-being of my daughter."

"But then you found Earl."

Tricia sighed. "I did, and that's when I learned that loving someone and being loved back the same way is the most beautiful thing in the world. You know what I'm talking about, because you had that with Shawn."

Taryn got up and went to the kitchen, returning with two cookies. "I didn't have it for long enough."

"It still breaks my heart that you couldn't work things out."

"I hate him and I wish I never met him."

Patricia's eyebrows shot up. "What?! Why would you say that?"

"If I'd never met him, maybe I'd be married to someone like Jules. Maybe we'd have adopted children. Maybe I'd be happy. Meeting Shawn brought me nothing but pain."

The wiser, older woman knew her daughter needed to vent, but she also needed to not fool herself. "You and Shawn were once very happy. It's horrible it didn't last, but hating him doesn't do any good."

"But if I hate him, maybe I'll finally get over him. The alternative is to live the rest of my life alone."

"Jules wasn't the right person to turn you away from Shawn, but that doesn't mean there's not someone out there who can."

"Mom! Julian was perfect! If I couldn't fully love him, I'll never love anyone else!" Taryn said through her new tears.

"Then I suggest you invest in a really good vibrator. There's one called the Satisfyer and let me tell you-"

The younger McAllister held her hand up in protest. "Stop right there. I'll do my own research on this matter. I really don't want testimonials about sex toys from my mother!"

"I'll shut up, but I'm sending you a link."

Taryn got up again, this time to grab her phone so that she could order a pizza. While it was in her hand, she removed Shawn from her contacts. Then she texted Mina to see how Ford's was doing. Her manager replied immediately that it was packed and that the band they'd hired was outstanding. The link to the vibrator popped up and she rolled her eyes, but made a mental note to check it out later.

"Movie?" she asked her mom.

"Yes, but only if it's a comedy. We're not going to get ourselves more down in the dumps by watching a love story or anything sad."

She was going to suggest Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind, because she was pretty sure she'd feel differently about it now. A little memory erasing sounded blissful. Her mom would definitely not enjoy watching that with her, though. "I'm sure we can find something funny."

Half an hour into the hilarious movie they'd chosen on Netflix, Winter, Shawn's ex appeared on screen.

"That woman looks familiar," Tricia said as she pointed to the TV.

"That's Winter Barnett. You may recall that Shawn pushed a car into her house."

"Ohhhh. Was her hair always that color?"

"I think she probably dyed it for the role," she replied as she turned off the TV.

"We aren't done! I need to know if they ever find out that the soccer coach is really an alien!"

"I guarantee they do, but then everyone is gonna be okay with it because it's a feel-good comedy. I'm sorry, but I can't stare at her face because it makes me think of Shawn and at some point I need to stop doing that."

"If you could just stop, wouldn't you have done it by now?"

"I've tried!"

Tricia patted her daughter's arm. "I know. I think I've said this before, but perhaps you need to consider that your story with Shawn isn't over. You both think about each other and have huge regrets, which says something."

"He's married and has a baby, Mama," Taryn said softly. "I don't know how happy their marriage is, but I know him inside and out. He's not the type to walk away from his sweet little girl. We might love each other until we're both dead, but it won't change anything."