Torn [SHAWN MENDES]

~44~

Shawn watched as Taryn made herself a cup of English Breakfast tea. While it steeped, she got out several Christmas cookies and set them on a plate.

"I feel like I'm to blame for all this," she told him before biting the head off a gingerbread man.

"You're not. It's a hundred percent on me."

"You never should have come over to see Hendrix, but I never should have invited you. Seeing each other alone was a really dangerous game, and it's cost us everything."

"Can we talk about why we did it? Like actually be honest about it?" he asked.

She took another bite. "It's not going to solve our problems."

"It is our problem."

Taryn let out a sigh as she removed the tea bag from her mug and took it to the trash can under the sink. Then she added a spoon of sugar and got the carton of cream from the fridge so she could pour in a generous amount. She tasted it, holding the sweet hot liquid in her mouth for a few seconds before swallowing. When she was done stalling, she looked into his caramel colored eyes. "If you have something to say, go ahead and say it."

He took a deep breath and exhaled. "I love you."

His words hung in the air for what felt like an eternity. She'd heard him say them a million times when they were together, but this time it was so different. It's not like it was a shock; he'd confessed that he still had feelings for her months ago, but he hadn't actually said the words. Everything she'd been fighting to suppress came bubbling to the surface, and as the mug fell from her hands, she cried out in a strange mix of anguish and relief.

"Fuck," Shawn muttered before he hopped off his stool and came around the island to grab some paper towels. He sopped up the spilled tea and then placed the mug in the sink.

Taryn clutched the edge of the counter as she cried, heaving gigantic sobs as she let her emotions out. Meanwhile, Hendrix, alarmed by the noise and his owner crying, started barking.

"Quiet down," Shawn said. "It's okay."

The dog cocked his head and let out one last woof before plopping down on the floor.

"I-I'm sorry," Taryn sputtered. "I just...I can't...I don't-"

Shawn's instinct led him to stand behind her. He tentatively wrapped his arms around Taryn, pulling her towards his chest when she didn't object. "I'm the one who's sorry. I hate that I've upset you."

It felt so good to have him hold her, but it also felt really wrong. She spun around and pushed him away. "Stop!" she yelled. "You can't keep showing up in my life and doing this to me! I am working so hard to get over you and it's never going to happen if you don't stay the fuck away from me!"

"That's the thing; I don't want to stay away from you! I want you back in my life!"

She took a step closer and glared at him. "You don't get to decide whether you're in my life or not! That's my decision! I told you after the kiss that we couldn't see each other again, yet here you are, messing with my emotions all over again!"

"You're the one who was at my house on Christmas Eve! If you really want me gone, why are you still so close to my family?"

"Are you kidding me? They are my family, too! You may have given up on me when we were having problems but they never did!" she shouted.

"Of course they didn't! They love you more than they love me!"

"I hate it when you do that!"

He narrowed his eyes. "Do what?"

"Turn every goddamned argument around so that it's about poor Shawn and how bad he has it. What about me? Or your wife? You show up at my house whining about Yasmin leaving you as if you didn't directly cause that to happen! You need to go back to California. Maybe you'll find an even younger and prettier woman to marry you, though I hope she knows it's not going to last!"

"I don't want another wife!"

"Good! Because you suck at being a husband!"

Her words stung because there was truth to them. He couldn't help but go on the offensive. "If I was so terrible then why aren't you over me?"

She threw her arms in the air. "I wish I knew the answer to that! I'd love it if I could just flip a switch and forget about you, or better yet, hate you!"

"You're doing a really good job of making me think you hate me already!" he shot back.

"Unfortunately for me, I don't," she said in a softer voice as she looked away from him.

He reached up and cupped her chin, turning her face towards him. "You can't hate me because you still love me."

"Don't put words in my mouth."

"Taryn...I know you better than anyone. I can practically read your mind. I'm not saying anything that you aren't thinking."

She scoffed. "Then what am I thinking right now?"

Her searched her blue eyes for the answer to that question. At first he felt she was thinking he needed to leave, but then he saw the familiar spark that was always there when they were intimate. "You want me to kiss you," he replied, his voice rough.

"No! Absolutely not," she turned away again, embarrassed that he'd seen her true thoughts.

"Look at me and tell me I'm wrong and that you don't love me," he demanded.

She locked eyes with him again. "I...I don't-" but she couldn't complete the sentence.

His heart was pounding in his chest and he was fairly certain hers was, too. "Tell me how you feel about me," he pleaded.

"Why can't I hate you?" she whimpered.

"Because you love me as much as I love you."

She gulped back tears. "I don't want to! I hate loving you!"

Running a thumb along her jaw he gave her a sad smile. "It's bigger than us. We'll always love each other."

"Please," she breathed, "go home."

"You don't want me to leave."

"Maybe not, but I need you to."

Leaning down, he kissed her just below the ear. "You need me to what?"

"Go," she tilted her head back to give him full access to her neck, "home."

He nibbled lightly on her sensitive skin. "I am home, baby."

And then his lips found hers. Taryn clung to him as they kissed hungrily, ignoring every red flag that her brain was waving frantically. She didn't want to be rational; she wanted to be with the only man she'd ever truly loved.

Shawn moaned into her mouth as the kiss deepened, loving the feel of her tongue against his. Maybe this was a mistake, but it felt so right. He pulled away just long enough to lift her onto the counter and as her legs wrapped around him, he couldn't resist pushing his growing erection against her. Her response was to grab at his curls, which he knew meant she liked it.

God knows how long they made out in the kitchen, but with every passing second, their need for more became stronger.

"Shawn," she managed to say as his hands fondled her breasts and his mouth sucked at her collarbone, surely leaving a mark. "We...we...oh god, that feels good."

"Do you want me to stop?" He pulled back. "I will if that's what you want."

"What I want and what we should do are two very different things. You're still married."

"My marriage is over; Yaz made that clear. She even said that you could have me when we were fighting on Christmas Eve."

Taryn knew that Yasmin probably hadn't meant the words she'd said in anger, but her need for Shawn overpowered any logic. She hopped off the counter and walked towards the hall. He followed her as she continued up the stairs and into the master bedroom, closing the door so that Hendrix wouldn't interrupt them.