Torn [SHAWN MENDES]

~72~

Niles Portmaster browsed his notes before peering over his wire-framed glasses at his patient. "Tell me something you're proud of yourself for."

After giving this some thought, Shawn said, "Piper has gotten in a really good routine of going between mine and Yasmin's house and seems to have accepted that this is how things are now. The first few times were tough, but when she was with me last week, she didn't cry at all."

"That's great to hear, but I want to know why you're proud of yourself for this. Remember, we're focusing on positive things related to you."

"One of the things I'm learning from my time alone with her is that I'm a really good dad. For a long time, I thought I was a selfish person, and I know I've done some things in the past that show I have that capability, but I don't think someone who only cares about themselves could love and care for their child like I do," Shawn told his therapist.

"That's an excellent point. At our first meeting you said you were worried that you are a narcissist. My professional opinion is that you absolutely are not. You put others, like Yasmin or Piper, first too often to be one. As humans, we all have periods of selfishness. Last week you told me that you believe your lowest point was when you tried to push Taryn to become a mother when she was still struggling with the pregnancy losses. I wanted you to analyze why you did it. Have you gotten around to that yet?"

Shawn pulled a folded piece of paper out of his back pocket. "I wrote down all the reasons I told her I wanted to keep trying, and then I looked at each one and tried to remember what my feelings were at that time. My feelings and my reasons weren't the same."

"Hm. Interesting. Care to elaborate?"

"There was a period where I pushed Taryn to go the surrogacy route after we realized she couldn't have a baby herself. I kept telling her that being parents was always our plan and that I didn't want to give up on that when there was a way to make it happen." He rubbed the back of his neck nervously. "But what it came down to was that I didn't want to lose."

Niles nodded thoughtfully. "You know there are no winners or losers in a situation like the one you were in, right? Conception issues aren't a form of failure."

"I know that rationally, but my whole life I've been able to get almost everything I've wanted. I went from being a kid sharing singing clips online to filling stadiums in under four years. If I wanted a woman, it took nothing to get her, and one time when I was dumped, I ended up destroying her house and going to prison. After that period in my life, I gave up on music because it was better to not try than to fail. It took a long time to get my courage back to write and perform, but ultimately I landed on top again, which in a way spoiled me."

"I hear what you're saying, but I don't understand how this resulted in the dissolution of your first marriage."

Standing up, Shawn began pacing. "I convinced myself that the only way we could be happy was to have a baby. That was the carrot I was chasing or the victory I was seeking. It became an all-consuming goal, like earning my first platinum record. It bothered me that Taryn didn't want it like I did, though in hindsight I know she did; she just needed more time. When she told me no, which was something I wasn't used to hearing, I snapped. I was already upset about her keeping the abortion from me, and all those feelings led me to giving up. Once again, it was easier to give up than to fail!"

"Your body language and tone show how discovering this truth about yourself is painful," Niles commented. "Talk to me about that pain."

"I hurt Taryn, and then I went on to hurt Yasmin in my quest to seek my goal. Good people don't hurt those they care about!"

"That's what you believe?"

"It's a fact!" Shawn practically shouted.

"You've made mistakes and yes, you've hurt people you love, but you need to forgive yourself. Humans are flawed. No one can live their life without doing some damage along the way. The important thing is to learn from everything we did wrong. You're doing this! If you were to meet someone, would you get married again and have another child, knowing you still love Taryn?"

"No fucking way."

"Would you ever push someone to have a baby or even get a puppy?" Niles asked.

Shawn shook his head.

"Not repeating our mistakes is a victory in and of itself. Let's do some visualization. Please have a seat and then I want you to close your eyes and imagine something you want very badly. You don't have to share it with me, but I want you to take a minute or two to vividly picture it in your mind."

Shawn sat back down on the couch and took several cleansing breaths before closing his eyes. They'd done this type of mental exercise several times in the past, and he was getting better at it with each subsequent attempt. It wasn't hard to come up with a scenario, because one had been on his mind for months. He imagined reuniting with Taryn and having a future together.

"Did you choose something?"

"Yes."

"Now I want you to see that thing being thwarted by either an external or internal source," Niles directed. "You're basically writing a script in your head, and I want you to come up with a conflict."

This was even easier for Shawn to envision. There was the obvious issue with Taryn not wanting to talk to him. She'd received his letter and texted a reply, but over a month had passed and he hadn't heard from her. She was either still processing what he'd written, or she was sending him the indirect message that she wanted nothing to do with him.

"How do you feel when you're confronted with adversity in the scenario you created?"

"It hurts. I feel helpless. I want to do something to push past it so I can have what I want."

"Is there another person involved?" Niles asked.

"Yes."

"Take the focus off yourself for a moment and try to center it on them. How would they feel if you pushed to get your way?"

Shawn could see Taryn in his mind's eye, standing right in front of him. He pictured himself trying to convince her to give him another chance, and he could see her expression change as her wall went up. "She doesn't like it when I'm like this," he whispered in almost a trancelike state. "She's never liked it when I pushed, even before we were dating when I bought things like ads for her mom's bar or a neon sign without her permission."

"Now you're going to do the opposite behavior. Don't push. Do what would be best for the other person, which I know is difficult."

Shawn looked at imaginary Taryn and said he loved her but that he respected her feelings, even if that meant not being together. He told her that he was relinquishing the decision to her and that he would accept the outcome. She smiled and faded from his mind, and he was left with a strange sense of peace.

"How'd that go?" Niles queried after giving Shawn a minute to ruminate.

"It felt good, but this was a mental exercise; it'll be harder to behave this way when I'm actually confronted with a situation like this one."

"Of course, but you're giving yourself the tools to improve. You'll have relapses and that's okay. The goal is to start thinking of the other person and how your behaviors will effect them. Keep in mind that not all scenarios involve others. You could have envisioned winning a Grammy, which would be fine to push for since it's a solitary achievement. My advice isn't to stop fighting for things, but rather to be mindful of how you impact those around you, since the root of your self-loathing and guilt stem from pain you've inflicted."

On the drive home, Shawn mulled over the session. Niles was right; he needed to stop pushing Taryn. He couldn't undo writing the letter, but he could accept that she wasn't going to respond further and not contact her again, even when he was in Canada where the temptation would be the strongest.

He and Yasmin recently agreed to celebrating Christmas morning together at her house, and she'd then take Piper to her parents for dinner, which he was thankful to be missing. A few days later, he was flying home with his daughter to spend a week with his family. It would be hard to not reach out to Taryn after he and Piper arrived in Toronto, but if she hadn't gotten back to him by then, it was the right thing to do.