Torn [SHAWN MENDES]

~71~

After an especially long shift at the brewpub during a summer heatwave, Taryn arrived home. She took Hen for a short walk around the block, stopping at her mailbox before going inside to the refreshing air conditioning to eat a late dinner. All she got in the mail was a store flyer and a letter with her name and address printed on the front.

"For fuck's sake...is Clyde contacting me at home, now?" she grumbled as she threw it down on the kitchen counter. That's when she noticed that it had been sent from California and that the handwriting was very familiar.

She stared at it for several moments before picking it up and opening the seam with her finger. Inside was a long handwritten letter from Shawn. For a split second she contemplated stuffing it back in the envelope, but if he'd taken the effort to write, she owed it to him to see what he had to say. After pouring herself a glass of red wine, she sat at the kitchen table and read it.

Dear Taryn,

I've never been much of a letter writer, which you already know, but there's no other way to get in touch with you. I tried texting you several times but the messages never went through as delivered and I didn't get a reply. Then I called and it went straight to voicemail, which leads me to believe that you've blocked me. I don't blame you for doing that, but it does hurt a little and it makes me think I'm probably sending this to you in vain.

I don't know if this letter will get to you before the story hits the news, but Yasmin and I are getting divorced. We officially separated awhile ago and I'm now living in a house of my own, trying to get my life together between festival shows. Someone took a pic of me rolling the trash can to the curb yesterday so the speculation has started. Yaz and I are releasing a joint statement soon, but I wanted to tell you separately from sharing it with the public. We tried to make our marriage work. Both of us gave everything we had both in and out of therapy, but it all came down to one thing...

I can't stop loving you.

I've tried. No matter what I do, my love for you remains. I can't explain it, but it's just a part of me now, like my heart or my brain or my right leg. The love I hold for you is permanent and unbending. I could go on and on, but I know you understand what I'm saying because when we were together at Christmas, it was obvious that you felt the same way.

Maybe you've moved on with someone new. I asked Aaliyah and she refused to tell me. If you have, then I'm happy for you. You deserve to have a wonderful life with a guy who treats you better than I ever did. If you haven't met someone else, I hope you'll consider talking to me. Just talking, if that's what you want. Maybe it's selfish of me to ask you to do that, but I feel like there's so much left unsaid between us.

I guess I should tell you more about my current situation. The separation and divorce are completely amicable. Yasmin was the one to end things, and she was right to do so. Piper shouldn't grow up in a home where real love isn't shared between her parents and Yaz shouldn't settle for someone who loves another woman. We've agreed to joint custody, and so far that's going great. We try to do fun things together as a family, like go to the beach or a park, and Piper is adjusting pretty well.

I'm in weekly therapy, either in-person or online when I'm on the road, and that's helped me. My therapist and I have been looking at destructive patterns in my life so that I can stop the cycle while also working on self-forgiveness. I've been carrying a lot of guilt, some of it going all the way back to what happened with Winter, and releasing it has been cathartic.

I probably should have said this earlier, but I'm not writing this so we can get back together. I'm committed to staying single until I have myself figured out. Yaz and I agreed not to date anyone until after the divorce is final in December, but I think my self-repair could take longer. I'm staying in California permanently since that's the only way joint custody will work, so it's not like you and I could really be together anyway.

You're probably reading this wondering what the fuck my point is. I know I'm rambling and I'm sorry about that. It's just that I'm at kind of a turning point in my life and I needed to share it with you because you're still that person for me. You'll always be that person.

I know I've hurt you in the past and I'm truly sorry for that. One thing I'm learning in therapy is to stop apologizing and to be better instead. That's what I'm trying to do. I'm doing everything I can to be a more honest and genuine person. I'd really like it if you gave me another chance, even if it's just as friends. I love you, Taryn. Maybe it's too late for us or maybe I've blown it too many times in the past. If you're open to talking, call me. I'm including my address if you want to write instead.

xxx
Shawn

A large teardrop fell onto last page, causing his signature to turn into a bluish-black puddle. Taryn shuffled the pages so that she was back at the beginning and read it again, crying harder the second time through. Then she got up and dumped the half empty glass of wine in the sink and braced herself against the counter as she tried to think, which was hard since her emotions were all over the place.

One thing she felt was relief, which came topped with a big dollop of guilt. It was terrible to rejoice in their break-up, but at the same time, knowing that Shawn loved her and was actually available was huge. She was also relieved for his sake since Yasmin was being so cooperative about custody. It was working out exactly how he wanted it to when they'd made plans while they were briefly together last year.

Taryn slammed her hands down onto the granite counter. "No! I'm not going to let myself get excited about something that's not really a possibility!" she said out loud to herself, causing Hendrix to let out a whimper.

Shawn was on the other side of the continent, over two thousand miles away. What was the point of rekindling that flame again if they were never going to be together? Sure it sounded romantic when they'd discussed it in December, but they'd gotten caught up in the moment. Long-distance relationships rarely worked!

She retrieved her phone from her purse and contemplated calling Shawn to tell him she'd received his letter and wished him nothing but the best, but she knew the second she heard his voice she'd be sucked into his vortex, which was terrifying.

Fear was another predominant feeling; Taryn was afraid of having her heart broken a third time. What if they tried and failed? Even if you put aside the long-distance issue, they might find out that they weren't meant to be. Hadn't the universe been sending that signal for years? Wouldn't they have fixed their marriage instead of divorcing if their love was as strong and enduring as Shawn said it was in his letter?

"But I do love him," she whispered. "He's the only man I'll ever love."

Taryn opened her phone and unblocked him before sending a series of texts.

I got your letter.

I need time to process this.

Please don't contact me.

I'll reach out to you when I'm ready.