Torn [SHAWN MENDES]

~52~

After taking a shower and throwing the sheets in the washer, Taryn decided to clean the kitchen because she had a burst of post-sex energy and was feeling pretty good. She'd just taken everything off the counters when Happy by Pharrell Williams started playing over the Bluetooth speaker. This had been a favorite of hers in high school, and it matched her current mood perfectly. By the time it got to the bridge, she was dancing around as she sang along.

Uh, bring me down
Can't nothing,
bring me down
My level's too high to
bring me down
Can't nothing,
bring me down, I said
Bring me down, can't nothing
Bring me down
My level's too high to
bring me down
Can't nothing,
bring me down, I said

As the upbeat song continued, the sound of her doorbell brought her dance party to an abrupt end. She set down the sponge that she'd been holding like a microphone and went to the front door where Hendrix was barking excitedly.

"Who is it, buddy? Maybe a package?" she asked as she undid the locks. When she saw Shawn standing there, her face lit up. "Hi! I expected a call, not a visit!"

Her joyous mood made him queasy, because he knew he might be ruining it. "I have to talk to you, and it needed to be in person," he said somberly.

"Oh shit. I guess things weren't great when you got home. Did your mum and dad go ballistic like you thought they would?"

He hung up his coat and took off his boots. "Let's go sit down." Once they were settled on the couch, he got right to the point. "When I got home, Yasmin was there with Piper."

Taryn gasped. "What?!"

"She never went back to California and has been staying in a hotel waiting for me to make a move to reconcile."

"Oh."

Shawn ran his hands through his hair. "And she knows I've been with you."

Her heart sank as she considered how much pain and anguish that had to cause Yasmin. What they'd been doing wasn't okay, even if she planned on divorcing him, but this was so much worse. "I take it she was furious."

"That's the thing...she wasn't. She was heartbroken and emotional, but she didn't get mad at me, though god knows she has every right to. She was mostly focused on what we can do to fix things."

"She actually wants to work things out?" It seemed strange after telling him she wanted a divorce, but she was prone to having regrets herself so she understood.

"Yes. She loves me and wants us to do this for our marriage and our family."

"And she can get past that you love me and have spent the last several days in my bed?" she asked incredulously.

"Yaz claims she wants to try and that she'll forgive me if I give you up completely. We'd go to couples therapy and make a fresh start."

Taryn felt numb as she came to realize where this was going. She stood up and steeled herself emotionally and physically. "So this is it, I guess. I appreciate that you came to tell me, but there's no point in continuing this discussion when we both know where it's headed."

He hated that she was responding so brusquely and without emotion. It was that goddamned wall again. "Taryn, I'm not here to tell you that we're over. I came so that we could talk about it together. This impacts you and I want you to be a part of what I choose to do!"

"What's there to decide? Piper is your priority, which is exactly how it should be. If this means you won't be separated from her, then obviously you'll do what it takes to make that happen."

"But I love you and you love me. That's a huge fucking factor!"

Putting her hands on her hips, she said, "We can't even truly be together. You live in California and I'm here. We got caught up in the moment and it was beautiful, but I think we both knew it wasn't going to work out in the long run. It's better this way, because now we won't get too invested or hurt."

"You're saying those words but you don't mean them," Shawn countered. "If we want it to work, it will! And as for being invested in each other, isn't our problem that we never stopped even after we divorced? Don't do the thing where you try to diminish how serious this is!"

"What do you want me to do? Beg you to not get back together with your wife? Ask you to give up on your family and sacrifice time with your daughter for me? I'm not doing that! What I want isn't important! You know damn well that there's only one option!"

Out of desperation, he suggested the only other solution. "If you come back to California with me, together we could co-parent Piper with Yasmin after the divorce."

Taryn shook her head. "Don't prey on my desire to be a mom to get me to give up everything I have here, especially when you know Yasmin won't be supportive of this plan! She'd fight tooth and nail to get custody rather than let me help raise her child!"

He sighed, knowing she was probably right. "I could fight for custody, too."

"I'm sure a family court judge would be accommodating to a convicted felon who recently committed adultery," she snapped.

"Maybe not, but I could try!" He got up and walked over to her. "I don't want to lose you again."

"I think we need to accept that no matter how much love we have between us, we're just not meant to be," she said softly.

"I don't want to accept that!"

"Shawn," she started as she reached out and touched his bicep. "We didn't fight for our marriage and we have both regretted it ever since. Don't make that mistake again. Yasmin is giving you a chance that you didn't think you'd get. It's a gift."

She'd said something similar just days earlier, but this time he really listened and absorbed what she was telling him. She was right, though there was a key difference between his relationship with her and with Yasmin. "I don't know that I can force myself to love her like I love you."

"But you do love her. It's time to stop with the comparisons. If you keep telling yourself you love me more, then your heart isn't open to the possibility of loving her that way. I think it's time to let go of me and what we had."

She knew this was easier said than done, but it was necessary. They both needed to be released from the infernal tie that bound them together.

"I'm always going to love you," he breathed as he pulled her into his arms.

"You told me that on the day we signed our divorce papers."

"I meant it then and I mean it now."

She didn't want to say the words back to him, because what was the point? He was returning to California with his wife and baby, and once again he'd be nothing more than a whisper of a memory. She couldn't help herself, though. Looking up into his eyes, she said, "I love you."

It was wrong of them, but they shared one last heartbreakingly bittersweet kiss, and then Taryn walked him to the door and watched him leave. Once his car was out of sight, she went to the kitchen, turned on the music, and finished cleaning, not allowing the emotions to overtake her. If she did, she wasn't sure she could find her way back from the darkness.