Torn [SHAWN MENDES]

~62~

Shawn and Yasmin were flat on their backs on the hotel's king-sized bed, staring up at the ceiling. He had his arms crossed on his chest as she nervously chewed her cuticles, which she'd regret in a week when her manicurist would undoubtedly yell at her.

"It's okay," Yaz said tentatively. "These things happen to guys all the time, right?"

He couldn't formulate a response, so he rolled onto his side, turning away from her.

"Baby...come on. We can try again later," she said soothingly.

He could not take another second of her trying to comfort him, so he got out of bed and walked to the bathroom, shutting the door loudly. Taking a seat on the edge of the bathtub, he ran both hands through he hair as he closed his eyes tightly, trying to squeeze back the tears that were inevitable.

What had happened minutes before was bad enough on its own, because no man ever wanted to lose his erection during sex. What made the situation even worse was the reason he'd suddenly gone limp, and he hated himself for it.

"Oh god...this feels so good. I've missed you so much," she moaned as he slowly moved in and out of her.

He'd started their lovemaking by going down on her, and when she wanted to return the favor, he'd declined. He really wanted it to be all about her pleasure as a gesture of his renewed commitment to their marriage. Everything had been going great, but then she said it...

"Open your eyes. I want us to have eye contact."

The sun was setting over the ocean, and the sheer curtains didn't block out much light. He
could clearly see how blue her eyes were and how much they were like Taryn's. Shawn couldn't help but remember their December tryst and how the sex had been the best he'd ever experienced. His eyes were locked with his wife's for several moments as he continued to gyrate on top of her, fighting to push Taryn from his mind, and then his body betrayed him. He knew he was losing his erection and began moving faster in an attempt to get hard again, but it was no use.

"Did you come?" she asked, assuming that was why he's suddenly gone soft.

It's not like he could lie, because when she went to the bathroom, it would be clear he hadn't. "No," he choked out.

"Oh."

It was such a small utterance, but it said so much. There was disappointment and confusion and pity wrapped up in a single syllable.

"I, uh, don't know what happened." He rolled onto his back as his cheeks burned red from embarrassment.

He took several deep breaths in the quiet of the bathroom, steeling himself to go back out and talk to his wife, since it was inevitable that she'd want to discuss this to death. He needed an excuse other than the truth, though.

A knock at the door interrupted his thoughts. "Shawn? Can I come in? I need to pee."

He knew this was bullshit, because the suite had an additional half bath off the living area. "Give me a minute, please," he told her.

"Okay," she said sadly before walking back to the bed and getting into it.

Yasmin took her phone off the nightstand and searched "erectile dysfunction" and a million things came up so she narrowed her search by adding "in your 30's." There we're many different reasons for this problem ranging from physical issues to mental ones. Shawn had an incredible sex drive and more stamina than any man she'd ever been with, so it seemed unlikely that he'd suddenly lost the ability to stay hard because of illness or his age.

She was finishing an article on performance anxiety when the bathroom door opened. Shawn stepped out with a towel around his waist, though he obviously hadn't taken a shower. His sudden modesty made her heart break.

"It's early," she said cheerfully. "We could watch a movie."

"Not in the mood."

"Well then, let's go sit outside. The sun is down, but you can still see the ocean. The waves are shimmering under the light of the moon."

"I'm tired. Let's just go to sleep," he suggested as he pulled his boxers back on.

"No."

He furrowed his brows. "Excuse me?"

"I said no. We're here to reconnect and that's what we're going to do! So what if sex didn't work? I'm happy to snuggle with you and hold your hand!"

So what? Was she crazy? He'd just been emasculated in the worst possible way and she was playing it off as if it was nothing.

Yasmin got off the bed and walked over to him. "Talk to me."

"What do you want me to say? That I'm sorry? Jesus fucking Christ! This has never happened to me and I'm so goddamned disgusted with myself!"

The fact that he was angry startled her, and his tone of voice hurt considering she was trying to diffuse the situation. "I understand why you're upset, but if you think it changes how I think of you, you're wrong."

Shawn rolled his eyes. "There's no way you aren't thinking something."

"Fair enough. If this continues, I think it would be good to know why it's happening, but according to what I read online, it's probably a one-time thing."

"You looked this up?" he asked, aghast at the idea.

"Yes. I learned that it happens to a lot of men for a whole bunch of different reasons. Why don't we talk about it and maybe we'll figure out why. Or, if you'd rather not talk, we could try again but with more foreplay focused on you so that you're really excited."

She was trying so hard and he truly appreciated it, but having sex was not an option. "Not tonight, Yaz. I can't."

Taking a step closer to him, she reached up and touched his cheek. "That's fine, but I don't want this night to end like this. I'm going to order a bottle of good red wine which we're taking out on the balcony. We don't have to speak at all, but I really need you to hold me."

This wasn't the time for him to be selfish. "That Cabernet I had with dinner was excellent. Let's see if we can get that."

While she called room service, he pulled on a pair on sweats and opened the doors to their private deck. He sat down on one of the double lounge chairs, and his wife joined him a few minutes later after putting a robe over her silky nightie.

By the time half the bottle was consumed, Yaz had her head on his bare chest and he was lightly tracing circles on her back. His impotence was still on his mind, but she'd managed to push it away from the front of his thoughts.

"This is so nice," she said drowsily.

"Mmhm." It would have been nicer to fuck all night, but this alternative wasn't bad.

When the last drop of cab was gone, they went inside and got ready for bed. Yasmin was asleep within minutes, which was often the case when she drank wine.

Shawn knew he'd be up for hours because his agitated brain was not going to simply turn off like a light switch. As he laid in bed, he kept thinking about what occurred. He was ninety percent sure that thoughts of his ex-wife had rendered him useless with his current wife, but what if something was actually wrong with him? Part of their commitment to celibacy had been a moratorium on all masturbation, so he hadn't been using his equipment for five months. Maybe things had just died. He shuddered at the thought.

He needed to prove to himself that he could still do the deed, so he closed his eyes and began palming his bulge over his underpants. For several terrible minutes, nothing happened. He knew what might help, even if it was wrong. Allowing his mind to wander to his last encounter with Taryn in the kitchen, he was almost immediately rock hard. Then he slipped his hand inside his boxers and stroked himself until he began to feel an urgent pressure building in his balls. That's when the guilt hit him, since in a way he was cheating on Yasmin all over again.

Once again he went completely limp.