Torn [SHAWN MENDES]

~46~

Shawn waited for Taryn to respond to his question, though he could tell by her expression that she didn't have an answer.

"I think we need to take this a day at a time," she finally said.

"I'm home for the next week and a half, but then I need to go back to California to finish my album and sort out my separation from Yasmin. I guess I'll also have to find a place to live."

He dreaded what was ahead of him. Yaz made it clear that she was going to put up a fight, though he hoped that if he met all of her financial demands, she'd agree to share Piper equally and that they could settle things quickly. She had her career, so if she tried to get sole custody, it would be purely out of spite. Even if she was upset with him now, maybe with time they'd be able to work things out amicably.

"And because of Piper, it'll be in Montecito," Taryn concluded.

"Exactly. That's going to make things tough for us."

"I'm starving," she changed the subject. "Want to eat lunch together before I go to work?"

"I was hoping this was your day off." Round one had been incredible, and he knew it was only going to get better. More than that, he wanted to bask in the warm glow of her presence.

She climbed out of bed and began putting her clothes back on. "I'm closing tonight because Mina's off."

"Maybe I could stop by Ford's later," he suggested as he sat up.

"Absolutely not! If we're spotted together, the shit will hit the fan! For fuck's sake, Shawn, are you even thinking about how this would look if it got out?"

He grinned at her repeated use of foul language. "I'm not thinking about anything other than how happy I am to be with you again."

"That's sweet but think of Yasmin and Piper! Being splashed all over every crappy gossip site will hurt both of them."

The smile on his face was instantly replaced with a frown. "You're right. We have to keep this on the down-low until I'm divorced. I lost my head for a second there, but can you blame me?"

Walking around to his side of the bed, she sat down next to him and kissed his bare shoulder. "No. I'm happy, too. But I'm also terrified."

He didn't say so, but he was scared, too. He'd gone from a secure life to everything being up in the air. Yes, he had the love of his life back, but it was going to cost him.

A few minutes later they were in her kitchen making sandwiches. She had artisan whole wheat bread, turkey, and Brie on hand, and added some raspberry jam and arugula for extra flavor.

"Delicious," Shawn said with his mouth full after they'd sat down at the kitchen table.

"There's something similar on the menu at Ford's."

"Business is good? You still love being a brewpub owner?"

She nodded. "Very good, and yeah, it's still satisfying, though over the last few years I've delegated a lot more to my managers. Mina is an absolute godsend."

"I remember when you hired her."

"Feels like a lifetime ago," she said with a sigh.

"Since you're working, I'm gonna try to see if I can connect with a few of my old friends tonight. We've been texting so maybe we can hit up a bar, though I promise we won't come to yours."

Taryn smiled. "How are the guys?"

"Great. They are all married with kids, just like most people our age." As soon as the words left his mouth, he regretted them.

"I'm glad they are doing well," she said as she abruptly stood up, leaving half her sandwich on her plate. "I need to shower, so you should get going."

"I'm sorry-"

She shook her head. "It's fine. I've accepted that I'm not going to be a mom, and I don't want anyone pitying me, especially you."

Shawn recognized immediately that she was putting up a wall. He was torn whether to try to knock it down or to just let her use her standard defense mechanism. That's what had broken them at the end of their marriage, though.

Standing up, he walked over and wrapped his arms around her, holding her tightly. "It was thoughtless of me to say that. I'm an idiot, and it's okay if you tell me that. I need to hear it. And I don't pity you at all, honey. What we lost still hurts me, so I know it's got to hurt you even more."

She crumpled against him and started to sob. "But at least you have Piper. I wish...I wish I'd listened to you and had considered other options. I was in so much pain and we were fighting all the time that I couldn't back then."

"I pushed you way too hard."

She looked up at him. "You did."

Her honesty stung, but it was needed. "I'm sorry about that."

"I know you are. You apologized months ago, so there's no need to discuss it again."

"Taryn, if we're going to be together again, we have to go back to what broke us up and try to repair things. Maybe we should go to joint therapy."

"Shawn, we had sex an hour ago. You're moving a little too fast. We're going to live on separate sides of the continent, so why don't we just enjoy the time we have together now and see where things go?"

Scowling, he said, "We love each other. I want us to make this work!" He felt a stab of guilt over the fact that he'd spoken something very similar to Yasmin a few days earlier.

She wriggled out of his arms. "That's wonderful, but there are a lot of obstacles in our way. On top of where we live, you're married! You have a child, who I know is your number one priority! Let's slow down!"

"Is this just a fling to you?"

"I don't know what it is! A few hours ago we were screaming at each other in this same spot and now I'm on the verge of a panic attack because my world has been flipped upside down! I need to breathe!"

"Am I going to see you again while I'm in town?" he asked.

He sounded so pathetic, which made her heart wrench. "If you want to come over tomorrow night, you can. I'm working during the day on the mundane business part of my job. I usually get home around seven."

"I can pick up dinner."

"No need; I'll bring something home from Ford's. I know what you like."

"It's a date," he said with a small smile.

"This has to stay a secret."

"That makes it sound like an affair."

Taryn looked down at the floor. "It is. I know Yasmin said things are over, but I'm certain we just committed adultery since you haven't officially ended things."

"You regret what we did?"

"I think we got caught up in the moment, but I won't lie and say it's not what I wanted. I've fantasized about being with you again hundreds of times. That doesn't mean that I don't feel guilty, too."

Up until this point, he'd managed to suppress most of his guilt. Now it was bubbling up like lava in a volcano. No matter what Yasmin had said before getting on that plane, he'd still betrayed her.

"We can't undo what's been done," Shawn said softly. "You're right that this needs to be a secret, and we might both have to work through the guilt in therapy. I know it was cheating, but at the same time, I took a vow to you once, and my heart has always been yours. In some ways, being with Yasmin was cheating on you."

"I think the divorce nullified the vows," she whispered as a tear rolled down her cheek.

"Legally, yes. But when I said I'd love and cherish you forever, that was an oath I've never released myself from."

She wanted to believe that what he was saying was true. If they'd never truly let go of each other, maybe what they'd done wasn't as terrible as it would be in most cases. Or perhaps they were both trying to justify a huge mistake.