A Gun To My Heart

2

"You made a fool out of yourself out there," mom hiss at me, slamming her hands on the table beneath her. I twitch at the loud sound echoing in the dark room.

''She had a life.''

Her cold hands reach my face, letting a stinging burn linger on my cheek. I glance back at her, and then Sabrina, sitting quietly in the back of the room. Letting them both see the hate I have for them. For my own family. Two years ago I wouldn't even think it was possible to hate someone as much as I hate them. Wanting, to kill them every second.

Mom lets a venomous grin spread across her face. ''Everyone has a life, Maeve. I have a life. You have a life. Sabrina has a life. Everyone. It's not that special,'' she snarls. My jaw clenches at her words.

Dad wouldn't allow this to happen. The old thoughts come running back. Haunting me. Making me remember the night he died. The night he got killed. Strangled by my own mother. The woman he fell in love with. I shake my head in disbelief.

''I thought I raised you better than this. Stopping you from letting words like that, escape your little mouth.'' I try to control my breath, while my eyes are fixed on Sabrina. Wondering if she even feels a tiny bit of remorse. Something warm that would make her heart made of ice melt.

A part of me wants to hope. Hope, that I'll get help from her. From someone. Anyone.

But hope is a dangerous thing, that could kill. Her eyes look just as hollow and dark as my mom's. But not nearly as dangerous.

''What would dad say,'' I spit out, wanting to see a small crack in Sabrina's eyes. And I succeed. She knows that. But the small crack I made, quickly disappears. Replaced by the same old hollow space.

''He's dead,'' she mutters and breaks eye contact. Her voice trying to sound strong. But it breaks, shattering the mask she tries to put on. Showing the slightest bit of weakness.

You want him back too, I want to scream. I want to rub it in her face, making her feel the pain I feel. The pain I've felt for two years. The pain that slowly has been ripping me apart from the inside. Making me live in pain every day. The pain, the memory that has given me gruesome nightmares every, single, night.

I want her to feel it too.

I stand up from the chair, walking out of the room to get away from them. I need to breathe. And when they're around, I feel strangled. As I walk through the hall and into the big cafeteria, anger still bubbles inside of me. People lower their voices immediately. The big, white chandeliers float gracefully in the atmosphere.

I'm highly respected here, being the daughter of my mom.

My mom is the leader of Insuria. One of the few countries to exist on Emris, after the planet earth collapsed. I sit down next to Azariella. ''I did win though,'' Sage says smiling at Maddox. He rolls his eyes, taking an aggressive bite out of the blue, glistening apple in his firm grip, and stops when he sees me in front of him.

I drink out of the soda can, and let the citric acid taste in my mouth. ''It was wild earlier, are you okay?'' He asks me, lowering the apple in his hand. Everyone at the table looks at me, Azariella putting a hand on my wrist. I nod.

''Of course.'' I let the word slip out of my mouth, lying. But it doesn't seem like they buy it, considering Sage raises his eyebrows suspiciously. Azariella's smile fades, knowing I'm not okay. Trying to figure out the thousand different ways my mother could've punished me.

She takes another bite out of the plain bread, wanting me to tell her how I got punished already, so she can stop the horrible thoughts fly around in her head. Tormenting her.

''That's a lie,'' Sage says blunt and concerned drilling his eyes into mine. His eyes are a big contrast from Sabrina's. Her eyes are stone-cold, while his are filled with light, sparks, warmth. The warmth I'm longing for. The warmth no one in my family has anymore. I sigh annoyed, and take Maddox's apple out of his hand, biting into it.

''Hey!'', he shouts scowling at me. Azariella laughs in the background, lighting up the room.

''Damn, mate. You should work on your stealing skills. She didn't even try, and she still snatched that apple right out of your hand,'' Sage says teasing him with a big smile on his face. Maddox rolls his eye, rising from the seat going to get another blue apple.

''Now that he's gone, tell us what happened,'' Sage says, leaning over the table eagerly. Azariella scoffs.

''Respect her. If she doesn't want to say it, she doesn't have to say it.'' Sage looks disappointed and slumps back into his seat. I show a weak smile to Azariella before it's interrupted by Sage again.

''I know you want to know what happened too,'' he mumbles into his hand and then crossing his arms revealing a blush spread across his face. Azariella lifts her eyebrows and sighs looking back at me. I let a small laugh out. These two are always making me laugh one way or another.

Maddox comes back to the table, and Sage looks at him annoyed. He rubs his chin in confusion. ''What?''

''You're always interrupting us. We were just about to know what happened to Maeve afterward,'' Sage says before Azariella interrupts him.

''We were not.'' Her voice is firm, and Maddox startles. Azariella is just a small clone of her mom's looks.

Sharp features, fierce green eyes, strong muscles. Her personality too. A bubbly personality, that can fill any human being with the feeling of joy and delight. But it can also turn cold in just a millisecond, and you regret meeting her.

Sage, on the other hand, looks dangerous but is actually a big ball of joy. The exact opposite of Azariella. He has scars all over his face, showing every dangerous thing he's gone through. His eyes are amber. The kind of amber in a roaring fire, that could kill you in a swift moment. But when he looks at me, it changes into the cozy fire in a fireplace.

''Why not?'', Maddox stutters and I throw the apple in my hand hard in his face. He falls from his seat shrieking, as I and Azariella run from the cafeteria laughing hard. It has been a long time, since I've laughed like this.

Almost only feeling the joy and happiness, that has been buried away for a long time. Leaving every other nerve-wracking feeling behind. All the damage, all the sadness.

My friends are the only ones I have left. They're the ones that hold me back from letting all that's making me suffer, wash away gracefully in a puddle of red blood. The thoughts, the actions, the memories.

They're making me continue to exist. But not to live.