A Gun To My Heart

33

He comes back with a small, round, metal box in his hand. I sit down at the edge of the bed, letting him open it, revealing a pink, shining balm. My eyes follow it, observing the rare formula. The one my mom wants for herself. That's the medicine she needs for Insuria. She wants to dig her claws into it. Steal every one they have.

He gently puts it on his fingertip before smudging a small amount on my cheek. I'm sure his mind is racing with thoughts, questioning our whole situation. If it was genuine or not.

Wondering if it was a hologram I could just choose to turn off whenever I wanted. It would be easier that way. If I could turn my feelings off, and betray a total stranger without knowing his history.

I don't even know it now. He never told me. He never wanted to. Every time I asked, he answered short. Leaving all the details out. Not wanting me to dig deeper into his wounds that are already unable to heal.

'You're easy to read.'

'Why do you lie so much?'

Lies. Why do I lie so much?
I lie because I think it will make my mother proud. I'm even lying to myself. Continuously hoping she'll accept me. Something she won't. But I still lie. Hoping.

'Hope can kill.'
It killed me. It killed my father. It will kill his. It will probably kill him, too.
The aching in my cheek slowly disappears, and he closes the lid on the box. His silver hair falls in front of his face, blocking me from seeing it.

I hold a strand of it gently in my hand, admiring it. Maybe it will be the last time I can be this close to him. Before he'll despise my existence as much as I despise my mother.

Thank you for existing. The words ring in my head, begging for him to hear them. Sense them. Anything.

Thank you for existing.

His hesitation radiates, before he takes my hands, held back by his thoughts.

"I meant everything I said." The words come out like a whisper. Wishing for him to hear my desperation. His mouth forms into a faint, reassured smile, and he leaves the room again.

Perhaps it's a sign from the universe. Letting me know that I was born to be unaccompanied. Alone. Because every time I allow another human being into my heart. Wishing they will discover a way to heal it. The chance constantly gets ruined. Not letting it happen.

I walk over to his windows looking at the ocean. The sun is almost setting, and the waves are glittering. If the window stays broken, they will have to shut down areas in the building. The temperature will be too cold, freezing every human to death if it reaches them.

The door shuts again, and I turn to the noise, frightened. Wanting to know if it's him or my mother again. He notices my reaction, noting it in his head. Remembering it for later. Ready to solve the puzzle I revealed.

I still feel the hesitation coming from him.
"I meant every word I said. Everything I showed you."
Please believe me. Even though it's difficult.
The war in his eyes goes on for minutes as the stillness swallows us both.

He walks over to me, wrapping his arms around me. And I do the same, feeling his tense, strong body. I will wait for him as long as I can. Stay with him as he makes his decision. Deciding if he still trusts me or not. Even if we're running out of time. Something he doesn't know.

If the roles were switched I wouldn't do it. I don't blame him if he chooses not to. A soul he never thought would stab his heart, did. It's bleeding, and it will continue to bleed even further if he trusts me.

I will slice his heart again, and I'm still here, begging for him to forgive me. Aware of the fact that it will happen again. Knowing that the healing he puts so much effort in will be for nothing.

I will be the one that tears his heart right open again. It's me who will make him break. Once again. Even harder.
Yet,

I'm,
Still,
Here.