A Gun To My Heart

41

«Good,» I tell him, standing up from the ground. Resisting the urge to embrace him. My feet move to my bed, and I sit on its edge. Getting memories from the incident. Me throwing the vase. The sound of the window shattering. How the glass spread everywhere hitting the cold floor.
"So, are you still going to sleep in here?" His body moves towards me, blocking the view of the garden.

"I already answered that question." He is still in his steel-blue suit, but his tie is gone and his white shirt is unbuttoned at the top. "You answered my question, with another question."

"It's still an answer, " I say and shrug my shoulders, avoiding his eyes. His hand touches my chin barely, turning my head, making our eyes meet. The one thing that makes me weak.

"It would be nice to sleep next to you, though." I break eye contact, looking down at the floor. He makes me weak. Every time he speaks, butterflies flutter in my stomach. The butterflies that never existed until this happened. Whatever it is. It makes me weak, and I can't let that happen.

Ever since I slept next to him, my nightmares about dad have gotten less intense. But I can't stay with him just because he helps them fade. It's almost like I'm too attached to him, no longer being able to make my own choices, or be independent like I once was.

"My answer stays the same."

"Your answer was a question."

"My answer was that I will sleep in my room and you in yours."

He chuckles as he silently leaves me, walking out of the room. Just before the door closes, he stops. "Are you a hundred percent sure?"

I roll my eyes, walking over to him. "Yes." There is a small smirk plastered on his face. His eyes fall to my lips for a split second and I close the door. Not letting him take this further. Slowly, I exhale walking back to my bed, relaxing under the duvet.

Through this entire day, my focus was on so much else, that I forgot about mom's plan. If I could, I would walk over to her right now, ask her if she changed her mind. Deep inside of me, I know that she never will.

Such a stupid thought.
My time would simply be wasted if I asked her that. The valuable time I could use somewhere else. She never told me when it will happen, since she knows my strategies. I would simply ruin it in many different ways. Perhaps, not being able to notice it either.

Everything is like a floating stone pathway. Each piece of stone is hovering, held up by my mother's invisible strings. Me walking on them. Trying not to stumble and slip off. If I do, the piece falls with me. Ruining her perfect path, that's resembling her plan. Making it less perfect.

The more I fall, the more imperfect it'll remain. Missing pieces here and there. I continue to slip off, and in the end, it won't be a path anymore.

If her plan gets ruined, because of me, and people find out what it was. If they found out I was entangled in it. We would probably burn in a fire on live tv. People would chant horrible words as they're watching us burn alive.

But that won't happen.
She would cheat her way out of that, too. It's messed up. All she does is make rules everyone has to follow. Even if it's a small one. Yet, she doesn't follow others people's rules. She deceives them and sneaks her way around the rules meant for every single human. Every single time she has tried to do it, she has succeeded.

Never gotten captured or punished for doing it. I wonder when she'll get caught. It has to happen once in her life. When? I don't know. It may be this time. With me. Perhaps, I'll get dragged to jail with her. Rotting in it, until I vanish.

With her.

Unless she cheats her way out of that too. Leaving me there alone. On the cold concrete floor. Not having to carry around useless muck, after all.

'Now you're only some muck I have to carry around unless I want to make people suspicious of me.'

I chuckle at her true words in the dark, by myself. And the chuckle slowly turns into a mad smile. I'm so foolish. Still trying to make her love me.

It won't happen. It will never happen. I know it. I still try.

So foolish.

I want to stop, but I can't. There is this weird force, that keeps me going. Pushing my back, making me march onward in the incorrect direction. I can't stop it, and I don't know when it will end. The only thing I know is that it will end when she is ending.