A Gun To My Heart

20

"Why are you always playing the role of a hero, trying to save me. I don't need to be saved, Aries."

His hand twitches as he sits down next to me. I take my heels off and wander over to the gigantic windows. The garden is filled with gardeners watering the colorful flowers.

I observe the architecture of this place. The same sharp glass prisms are poking out of the walls, creating perfect rainbows that look like bridges. They start at the left wall and extend out towards the right wall.

Beautiful colors are all over this place. And somehow, I still feel trapped.

"It looks like you need to be saved."

I furrow my brows as I turn towards him.

"How does it look like I need to be saved?"

He walks over to me, with his shoulder next to mine. Almost touching. Now, we're both looking at the peaceful garden.

"Your smile might fool other people. Your mother, your friends... But I can see straight through your lies, Maeve."

I look at him. Noticing how his posture isn't as stiff anymore and how his shirt isn't sitting as perfectly as it always does.
"I am not lying about anyth-"

His voice cuts me off, and his eyes are still fixed on the garden in front of us. I glimpse the small dark bags under his eyes. Barely visible.

"Stop."

He turns to me, looking deeply into my eyes. Wanting to sneak into the smallest crack he can find. He wants to figure me out.
The same goal he had in the beginning.

"Now you lied again. When I'm here wanting to help you. This has been going on for a long time and you're all alone in this. Aren't you lonely?"

Aren't you lonely?

Yes, I am. I am very much lonely. Always isolating myself in this room. Looking at nothing but flowers all day. I feel hollow. Empty.

My silence is enough for him to know the answer. He slightly nods but doesn't look away. His eyes are still fixed on my face, trying to read my expression. Trying to see my emotion.

"Why does it look like you haven't slept at all?"

My question throws him off guard and he quickly straightens his shirt. I look at him while he's struggling to try to fix every imperfection.

"We're not going to talk about me. I came here to talk to you. About how you're doing."

My face stays neutral as I look away. I put up a mask, trying to use my strength to hide my true emotions from him. Using the energy I have left to hold the mask up from falling.

"Well isn't it obvious? Do you even need to ask me how I'm feeling when you claim to know them by just looking at me?"

He doesn't reply, leaving the whole room silent.

"I don't even know my own feelings."

The useless mask breaks down, and tears fill my dry eyes. But I try to cage them in. Just like I feel caged in here. Not being able to do my one stupid task. Isolating myself in my room.

Make him fall in love with you.

I sigh and let the thought stay in my head. Not bothering enough to rip it apart.

"How can you claim to know them, when I don't. When everything I'm trying to do at the moment is to understand them. How do you claim to understand the feelings I can't, in such ease?"

My voice trembles as I clench my hands as I feel one cold tear slowly fall. At this point, I don't care if he sees me cry. I'm so tired of being this puppet.

I always blamed Sabrina for not standing up for herself when our mother used her for everything. I always blamed her for not breaking the invisible cell she was thrown in.

I always blamed her when she was a puppet. When she was the one being controlled.

The roles have switched now.

I'm the puppet thrown in a dark, invisible cell. Not even having any energy left to try to escape. She felt it too. The pain. The grief. The emptiness. It was me who chose to not see her pain. I walked around thinking I was the only one feeling it.

She used a mask to cover up the chaos inside of her head. Tearing her apart. Not saying anything to anyone. Just like I'm doing right now. Isolating myself in a room. Trying to deal with it alone. She felt everything I'm feeling.

She felt it too, but I chose to ignore it.