A Gun To My Heart

26

Suddenly the other door opens revealing Azia and Aries again. She's quite slender and tall. Almost as tall as him. "There you are, " he says smiling sitting down next to me, just where Noah sat two seconds ago.

Kids are working here. Not just adults. The way his innocent eyes looked at me, filled with fear. Wondering when he'll take one wrong step. Wondering when I'll punish him for even speaking. Kids are scared of that happening to them.

It makes my heart break.

Azia sits down at the light blue, comfortable chair across from us. Her whole presence provokes me. "What were you doing here all alone?" He asks taking my hand.

Guilt washes over me as I'm scared for the future. How he's going to hate me. Just like I hate my mom. He is going to hate me. It feels like his hand freezes the blood in my veins. His touch is so icy.

Asia looks at our hands trying to hide her shock. I notice her discomfort as she disguises her tan hands inside her sleeves.
Why is she reacting that way?
Did they have something I didn't know about?
Or is she the only one that thought they did?

I feel her stare move to the floor, unable to look at us.

"I was just ... thinking." I keep my voice strong, even though I feel like every pillar I built on the inside, to keep me standing, cracks. The cracks gradually move up against them, silently breaking them even more. Making them vulnerable to be destroyed with the flick of a finger.

'... Thinking.'

Thinking about how my mother plans to kill your father.
I was thinking about her crazy longing for blood.

Thinking about how she'll do it. Cut him up in small pieces revealing every single organ in his small body?
Break his bones one by one?
Poison him and let him die feeling every bit of pain?

Thinking about how you're going to be all alone in grief.

You're going to hate me.

He is going to hate me.

Aries is going to hate me.

He reads my eyes like an open book, asking Azia to leave us alone for a second. She quietly obeys, trying to appear respectful. However, even I can see her tiny urge to stay. Right before she stood up from her chair, she stops.

Deciding if she wants to leave, or if it's worth it to fight against his words. I listen to her footsteps as she leaves the large, and hollow room. Once the door closes shut again, he grips my chin gently, forcing me to look at him.

"What's going on? Is it her? I can tell her to leave Sarjia if you want me to."
I rest my head in his grip closing my eyes, as my hand searches for his. As my hand searches for his cold, freezing hand.

"No, it's not her." He plays with my wavy hair in silence, knowing damn well, that the thing bothering me is something I can't talk about. And it annoys him. He hates to see me so suffocated by everything that's going on. The thing he despises, even more, is that he can only help me from the sidelines.

Not being able to step in, and protect me.
'I do not need to be saved, Aries.'
'It looks like you need to be saved.'

It's because I did need to be saved. I do need to be saved. I can't get out of this mess by myself. I don't even know if I can get out of it with people's help.

"Maeve, what can I do to help?" His voice is full of concern. Almost desperate to hear one solution. Even though he knows that there isn't one. He still tries to search for it. He still has hope.

'But hope can kill.'
It will destroy him.

I want to cry. Tell him that he is the one that needs the help. I want to open my mouth and let the words escape from the enclosure I built for them. I want to let him know how to prepare for everything that's going to happen.

He needs the help, and here I am knowing information that can get him out of it. Yet, I'm still not helping him.
I am going to let him suffer.
I have to let him suffer.

"Please tell me."
I release his grip from my chin, shaking my head not being able to say something back. Instead of getting angry with me, he understands. His hands never leave mine, letting me know that he'll be there for me. With me.

Letting me know that he will always stand by my side.

Something that isn't true.
Once he realizes that I knew this whole time, and still didn't tell him. He'll leave.
He will break the silent promise he made at this moment.

"I'm sorry."