A Gun To My Heart

40

After talking to different people, and accepting their gifts we're entering another car. It felt so wrong to accept their gifts. I didn't want to, but I had to. "Where are we going now?"

He lays his hand on my thigh before answering. Understanding that I wouldn't hold his hand if he tried. My words were meant for both of them to hear. Not just her. And him not speaking up, even if people waited outside, made me mad.

They would've waited for plenty of hours in the hot sun if they had to. We weren't in a rush. But he dodged everything by saying it. "Another village." I feel him looking at me, but I keep my gaze out of the window. Looking over the grey neighborhoods.

"Where are you going to put the gifts?"
I already know the answer. Why did I ask? To let them feel bad. Knowing that those gifts will get thrown in the trash. They quickly exchange glances, wondering if they're going to waste energy on answering.

I snicker to myself. It makes Azia look at me, imagine her ice-blue stare to be sharp knives, stabbing into my flesh. Imagining. "Remember to blink unless you want your eyes to dry out."

It hits a nerve making her rip her stare from me, clenching her hands. Once again, Aries stays out it not interviewing. Holding a bunch of papers in his left hand. I look at the painting in mine. Remembering her words shattering the unusual voice in my head. I'm not alone.

"You very looked out of place, " she says after another long silence. It's true. They had a lot more people that were shouting their names. Freaking out a lot more by the sight of them. But that's because I've always been in the shadow.

Not being on the screens as much as Sabrina. Azia meant it as an insult. Trying to poke into a wound of mine, that hasn't already healed. She knows I have plenty of other wounds that are not healing, yet she chose this specific one.

"Please stop bickering."
Now her head turns to him. Exchanging between his face and his hand on my thigh. Tensing her jaw, looking away again. Our eyes lock. Mine and his. Mine, flickering with disagreement for a short moment, and then I break eye contact. Not giving him more time to try and justify his dreadful choice.

He will let them live like that.

It repeats. We walk through multiple neighborhoods and towns. Accepting dozens of different gifts. Resuming lying to them. Telling them we will improve their lives in the future. Me learning that they won't.

Continuously we follow the little cycle. Visit the people. Accept gifts. Travel to the next town. Everything looks the same. Unsteady houses, cottages, damaged roads, and pathways. Shredded clothing.

It gets darker, and the sun is gone. It's only me and him left in the car. It feels like he wants to speak, but he's holding back. When we land, I walk into the building. Heels clicking on the same floor, in the same hallway. The mirror is gone, and the areas near the incident are now open again.

I stroll into my room, looking at the replaced windows. Immediately, I change into my pajamas and settle on the chair. Resting my arms on the desk. Processing everything I realized today. Everything I saw. Everything I heard.

"You're going to sleep in here?"
My body doesn't move. I stay in the same position, looking down at my hands. "Isn't it obvious?"
He remains silent for a minute.

"Can we talk about the situation right now?"
I lean back in my chair, still focusing on my hands. Anything but him. "You mean how you're doing absolutely nothing to help them?"

With a sigh he walks over to me, standing behind me. Letting his hands run through my hair. Sending shivers down my spine. "I am trying to help them, Maeve."

My hand slams on the desk, startling him. "No, clearly you are not, " I reply, keeping my voice sharp. He can't sneak his way out of this too.

"And why are you accepting their gifts?" I raise from the chair, finally facing him. Forcing myself to look him in the eye. Nothing has changed. They're still the same. Filled with concern. Tired.

Even though I'm standing right in front of him, trying to appear powerful. Trying to focus on this specific situation. I'm my mind still wanders to question another topic. How he's doing. Starting to make me worry for him.

Concentrate.

"Do you know how wrong that is? How you are making them live on a lie? Waste their money. Toss it away like nothing."

He hesitated but decides to sit down on the carpet. Like that time when we were in the garden, he pats on the space in front of him. Right by my feet. I sneer.

"If you want to keep on acting like a kid, you can leave my room."

Irritated, he grips my wrist and drags me down with force, making me sit in front of him. Both of us have our legs in a crossed position, as we're facing each other.

"As I said, I'm talking about it with my father, " he says calmly. I can't help but roll my eyes at his sentence.
"What kind of conversations are you having, because it seems like even Azia, which is your partner, remember?"
His mouth twitched as I mention her as his partner. However, he keeps it shut, letting me proceed to talk.

I continue. "She did not want to change a thing, and she is in the same conversation you claim to have with Calix." There is a short pause afterward of him checking if I'm done speaking.

"We're discussing it. She may be against the idea of helping them, but that doesn't mean that I am." Gently, he slowly takes my hands, holding them as he's drilling his eyes into mine.

It feels like he's connecting us, sending soothing ripples into my nerves. I feel my anger gradually fading away. It's something with the way he speaks. Through this whole talk, his peace has been holding my anger down. Keeping it from boiling over.

His way of leading a dialogue is a strength. Something that he received from getting raised to lead.
And just like that, our discussion ended. Making me realize that we were on the same side all along. Making him even more perfect than he already is.