A Gun To My Heart

46

«What was it to you?» He asks me, stopping with a lot of distance between us. Standing right in front of me. Creating eye contact yet again. Snake. He's a snake. He knows exactly what he's doing.

"It was... different," I reply, feeling a lump in my throat. Every word gets thrown back to me.

Love,
isn't,
real.

I try to build a shield, but every single word creates a new crack. Eventually breaking it. "How was it different?"
I try to find the words. I want to tell him that he made me feel butterflies fluttering in my stomach. He made my heart melt. He made me realize how affection was meant to feel like.

But it doesn't come out of my mouth. It's like the words are stuck. Not wanting to show themselves. Not wanting him to hear them.
I want them to, but there is no sound coming out of my mouth. No melody. Just silence.

"Open up to me, Maeve," he pleads carefully.

Snake. He's a snake. He knows exactly what he's doing.

I shut my eyes, trying to get rid of the thoughts. Trying to tear them away. Trying to shut them out.

"You never opened up to me. No matter how much I asked you. You never told me what happened to you. Why you were so tired every single day. Lost in your thoughts."

His eyes shut open, fully alarmed by my response. He lowers his head as the same words gets injected into my mind again.

Snake. He's a snake. He knows exactly what he's doing.

I want to scream. I get the same old feeling. Wanting to break my skull open and tear the words out.

The hope in his eyes that started to show disappeared even quicker. Replaced by guilt. I narrow my eyes at his reaction.

"Why did you do that? What do you know that I don't?"

I remember when we first met. How he questioned me. How he noticed that I lied straight to his face. It's all flipped right now. The roles are switched. Now he's the one that's currently making up a lie to say.

"Did you even trust me?"
My discussion with Azia pops up in my head, remembering what her arguments were. Maybe he chose to not trust neither of us. But, considering how I ended this, it would probably hurt even more if he actually opened up to me.

Lights flicker in his eyes as he's trying to make a decision. He doesn't know if he did trust me. Just like I didn't know if I even wanted this. Rocking back and forth between the decision. Until I finally ended it, just to want it all over again.

We're both clueless. Not knowing what we want. Not knowing if our thing was just to distract ourselves. It hurts to think like this. To rip the fantasy of a perfect romance between us apart. To realize that it was a distraction for us both.

Or maybe it wasn't just a meaningless distraction. Maybe it was real. Maybe it just feels like this because I decided to end it. Bringing in a completely different cover over the real story. Making me blind to the truth.

"No," he replies silently, almost like he's afraid to admit it. My eyes slowly fills up with tears, even though I knew deep down that it was the truth all along. How could he possibly trust me? I was raised to be a liar. He knows. He always knew.

It feels like my heart collapses and every pillar that's holding me up in my body gradually crumbles with it. Yet I'm still standing here quietly, not saying a word as small tears flow down my cold cheeks.

Not moving a single muscle. Just staring straight at him. He meets my stare, watching as everything inside of me is collapsing. Watching every time a pillar slams the hard surface. Seeing everything blow up. Observing the smoke fill my vision as everything becomes unclear.

This time, I'm not fainting. This time I don't wake up in the same hospital bed, lucky enough to avoid the painful feelings as they hit me. This time I feel every one of them. I feel every emotion crack my support.

Carefully my mouth molds into a faint smile, that never reaches my eyes. 'Thank you for telling me,' I nod my head in a short and quick motion as I'm leaving the empty library.

I knew deep down all along, but I chose to keep going. I don't blame myself. It was the first time I felt real affection.

Did he feel it too?
The admiration, affection, and passion.

Does he feel it too?
The collapsing.
Does he feel like he's collapsing too?