A Gun To My Heart

44

Egoistic. That's what I feel like I am at this moment. Wanting him to fight for me. Fight for the connection we began to form. Even though I know that there will never be something more serious between us. I ended it, but it would've ended at some point anyway.

Foolish. I was the one that had the task to deceive him. Look at where I am now. What I'm thinking. Catching feelings. So foolish.

Days pass.
There is no eye contact, no talking, just greeting. I would think that the sparks would remain in his eyes whenever he looked at me. Or even the tiniest bit of kindness, but there is simply nothing other than exhaustion.

Does he see my desperation? Does he notice how desperate I am when I'm looking into his eyes? How much I'm searching for something? Only to find nothing. No affection. No passion. No desire. It's all gone. Vanished. Hidden. Tossed away.

Was it fake? Was it all an act?

Weeks pass.
Still nothing. My feet relax in the grass in front of the pond filled with beautiful goldfish. Cameras are everywhere. Calix is listening. I keep my mouth shut. Thoughts roam in my head. Wondering if Azariella, Sage, and Maddox are doing good. Taking care of themselves. Do they even remember me? Do they even think about me? It's been many months since I last saw them.

Alora told me that it would happen soon. It never happened. I'm drowning in my thoughts yet again. Every day. Preparing to see blood spilled all over the walls. Preparing myself to see him screaming at me. It never happened, but the scenarios in my head happen every moment of the day.
Torturing me. Did she say it to torture me? Did I end our connection, when it had a possibility of continuing to develop?

I walk over to Alora, sitting on the couch in the big living room. Alora. Just, Alora. "When will you make it happen?" I ask her, almost begging. I'm done with putting on multiple useless masks. I'm done with trying to cover my emotions. It has never helped me. Ever.

She doesn't even bother to meet my gaze. Instead, a small, devilish smirk is placed on her face as she's reading the newspaper. "Soon," she replies. I fall to my knees in front of her, letting my head fall. Closing my eyes. "You told me that last time too. Please ... Alora. I can't keep feeling like this."

As soon as she heard me saying her name, and her whole body shifted. I hear the door open, and both of us turn our heads towards the sound. Aries. His eyebrows are raised, as he's narrowing his eyes, analyzing everything. He never answered my question when I asked about how he's feeling.

Did he not trust me enough?

In a swift motion, Alora's hands are in my hair, braiding it. I look towards her as my jaw tenses. Such a good actor. Her smile looks genuine and incredibly kind, but Aries isn't stupid enough to believe it. That, I know.

"Good evening, Aries." Her voice is gentle and calm. I keep my eyes on the floor, but his, are still fixed on us. "Good evening, Alora."
Not Alora and Maeve.

Memories flood back to my mind. His scent. His touch. His embrace. His support. Was it wrong to create the distance between us? Every night, I've been getting horrible nightmares of my dad. Hearing his screams repeating in my head. Getting memories of his hollow eyes. Waking up in the middle of the night, sweating, crying. 

Without, Aries around. He's not coming back. He's not protecting me anymore.

I never needed protecting.

Has he seen me in the garden? The place we opened up to each other, for the first time. The place he told me his mother is gone. I wonder how he's doing. When will he explode? When will he show his hidden, repressed emotions? Let it all out. Let the rage take over.
When will his demons show themselves?

"Atlas is coming to visit tomorrow. I figured you would like to know before he arrived." He's completely ignoring my gaze, looking straight into Alora's eyes. Disappointment. I'm disappointed. My stupid, illusion of him still trying to protect me took over, assuming he would make an effort to fix this. Fix what I broke.

"Ah, thank you, Aries." He smiles as he leaves the living room. That smile never reached his eyes. I let a quiet exhalation out, making her snicker as she walks over to the large windows. "You really thought something would happen between the two of you?" 

My eyes fall to the floor, and I don't answer her filled with shame. She told me. She warned me, but I didn't listen. So stupid. I bite the inside of my lips in embarrassment. "I told you. Love doesn't exist," she says again, trying to make me even more ashamed by my thoughts and actions.

"Did you ever love me?" The words echo in the quiet room as she thinks of an answer. It made her reflect. "Love doesn't exist," she replies carefully, tapping her red nails on the glass.

"Right now it doesn't, but did it exist?" My question makes her raise her eyebrows in shock and surprise. Her cover falls off, revealing the thunder going on inside of her head. Showing me every emotion she's stuck in. Every emotion that's passing her mind. I got the answer.

Yes. It did exist, but it doesn't exist now. Something killed it.