A Gun To My Heart

19

I stare at her when she decides to leave the room. The second the door in front of me closes, I break down to the floor. Letting the tears run freely down my face as I place my cold hand on my forehead. Believing it will soothe the headache pulsing painfully in my head.

No sound escapes my mouth, and I'm just laying on the hard floor curled into a ball. Looking straight ahead at the empty wall in front of me, not being able to feel a single thing. I don't feel the pain I expected to come. It's gone. It doesn't exist anymore.

Or at least I don't think it exists anymore. But I know that things don't just magically disappear. It's either lost, or it's hidden. Waiting for another time I'll sob, to break out of the small hiding spot. Only to hit me even harder like the waves in the ocean.

Dragging me down to the ocean floor. Submerging my lungs so I can't scream for help. Maybe that's what's happening now. Perhaps I'm already on the ocean floor, drowning. Maybe that's why I can't say anything. I'm already drowning. And I've been drowning for a long time already.

That's probably why I can't feel the suffering anymore. My feelings have stopped existing. I've stopped existing. Maeve Ambrose has stopped existing. Her ghost is gone, taken over by her inner demons. The demons that have been lingering in the dark, waiting for the perfect moment to strike.

Thoughts are streaming in my thoughts suffocating me mentally. I close my eyes, as I observe every one of them. Identifying the feeling of emptiness. Emptiness is my new pain.

*

I wake up to the sound of someone opening the door. My eyes turn to the sound and I see Aries standing in front of me. "I didn't want to come and get you, but-"
His harsh voice stops at the sight of seeing me on the floor. His eyes are wide and replacing his apathy with worry. I quickly stand up from the floor, wiping my tears away.

He tilts his head awkwardly. "Uh, your mother told me to get you." I turn away from him, not wanting him to see me like this.

"We're leaving, " he mumbles again.

I put my hands over my face, wanting to rip it off.
"I don't want to go back to Sarjia, " I groan irritated. He's quiet, debating what to reply.

"You have to." His voice is firm. Disguising the concern I heard and saw moments ago. I take a deep breath before I turn around and walk out of the room as fast as I can. I don't want to be near anyone. Especially not him.

I want to be alone and alone forever. People make me crazy. I keep my eyes down as I walk through the halls, and pass different people. Rumors have probably spread by now. It always does it quickly. Reaching every sick human in this place reminding me of a spreading wildfire. My heels click on the floor for every step I take, and soon I'm out of here.

Only to go back to the pretty, but lonely prison. Only to be left alone yet again.

But isn't loneliness what you want?

I don't know what I want anymore.

When I sit down in the dark car, and Calix and mom stop talking looking at me. My face is turned away from them. Making them unable to see it.

They move on and keeps talking. Aries enters the depressing car, and decides to sit down next to me. He doesn't say a word during the whole ride, letting us both listen to mom's and Calix's conversation. It feels like an eternity. And everything feels depressing. Even the clouds I once thought were pretty.

When we're back in Sarjia, Calix, and mom walk inside before us leaving us alone.
As I exit the car, and his grip is around my wrist again. I knew he would try to do that. I quickly yank my hand away and kick his leg. He grits his teeth together in pain, leaving me an opportunity to run as fast I can inside.

So that's what I decide to do.

I pass multiple servants asking me if everything I'm ok, but I just keep going. Ignoring them. Wind flows in my face as my feet move swiftly on the floor. My only focus is to reach my room, knowing he will start to ask me questions if he reaches me first.

I grab the handle to my door and push it down - enjoying the victory yet again. But as I push the handle down, someone pushes me and I fall to the floor. My gaze turns back in shock, only to see Aries closing and locking the tall door. He slowly turns around panting.

"You better explain it all."