A Gun To My Heart

36

Once again I find myself in the same hospital bed, with the doctor at my side. "Davika." Her head turns, making her long, curly hair flow in the air. The slim windows are now covered with the similar blue curtains.

Her smile is gentle, as she nods walking out of the room. I run my hands along with the cold metal at the end of the bed. A quick moment later she appears with Aries. He sits down on the black leather chair next to me.

Worry covers his face again as he takes my hand. Just holding it. "I will never let you be by yourself again." It's almost like he's embarrassed. Like it was his fault, this happened again. His voice almost trembles as he says the short sentence.

"Thank you, Davika, " he mutters to her without turning away from me. I'm still in the same dress. My hand has a small band-aid on it. She exists in the room, mumbling something back, but I'm too focused on my hand.

"Don't take the band-aid off. The samira is still healing it, " he says, leaning on my tall bed. Almost resting his head on my legs.

"Healing what?" I bite the inside of my lip, scared of myself. Scared of what I might have done.

"Your cuts."
My eyes dart to his, as the scene replays itself in my head. Me hitting the glass over and over. But without the voice. Only the loud, identical noise.

"How-"
"You hit the mirror so many times, it shattered. And you continued to hit your hand, making the glass cut deeper into your skin."
My heart sinks in my chest, stunned by his words.

Silence.

We're just here. For once, not thinking. Just here. With each other. His lounge jacket is off, and the shirt is chaotic. Some small parts are tucked in, while others are not. Hanging out on the side.

"I keep breaking things."
Once the window. Then the mirror. Only to get rid of the voice.

"Do you know why?"
He moves the chair closer to me, watching me hesitate. "I think it's because of this voice." His brows draw together as his eyes narrows. Wondering what I'm talking about.

"I know, it makes me seem like a psychopath. But, It keeps talking inside my head. Telling me that I'm all alone. That no one loves me. That I'm a failure. And the worst is that I gradually believe it." His lips press together in a tight line, not knowing what to do as his eyes drop to the ground.

"I think it will disappear if I hit something, shake my head, or scream. Just something that could make it vanish. But it only helps sometimes. Very rarely." I don't know if it was a good idea to tell him about this. No one knows about how it keeps appearing in my head.

"Please don't let me stay in this room for days." I sound desperate. I am desperate. I can't be unaccompanied again. Left alone with the harmful voice. It can't happen. One more time, and it may turn out worse than this.

"Let me join you. Help you with your work. You're clearly stressed out, so let me help you for once."
My heart continues to beat faster. Begging that he'll say yes. I touch his neck, feeling his burning, hot skin.

"There is nothing you can help me with, Maeve." His response makes me lean my head back into the puffy pillows. Not wanting to look at him. However, my touch stays. Still feeling his surface.

Stop lying, I want to tell him. But I bite my tongue stopping myself from humiliating myself even more. I am the one holding most of the lies here. Not him. Telling him that would be so, wrong.

"Absolutely nothing?"
My eyes are still fixed on the glass portraits in the ceiling. I feel him shaking his head.

"Not even sorting papers?"
Once again, he shakes his head making me sigh annoyed. I just want to help him. It feels like he's using all his time on helping me. Worrying about me. When he should be out there, taking care of himself.

My right-hand grips onto the bed sheet hard, making the band-aid twist off. "Sorry." I don't care about his response. He is slowly breaking down the same way I am. But he keeps working. He keeps wearing himself out. "I just want to help you." My voice breaks, revealing my care for him. He moves my hand from his neck, lacing our hands together.

"I know."