A Gun To My Heart

34

The rest of the evening I've just been laying in his bed. People have been running back and forth in the hallway, trying to fix the window, as well as shut down parts of the building. I don't know what he's doing now or what Azia is doing. Probably leading everything, or trying to cover up for me to Calix.

Two hours pass, and I've just been staring at the watch on his desk covered in his duvets. Changed to my pajamas. The long grey curtains are covering the view of the now, dark blue ocean.

The door clicks open, and he walks into his room, smiling at me before he steps into his closet. It wasn't a happy one. Just a smile. Almost blank. My heart already warms up at the sight of him. After a while, he steps out in grey sweatpants and a dull t-shirt, as he lays some keys on the bedside table.

He looks so drained. The color on his cheeks is no longer there. His eyes are tired. I rest my head on his warm chest, embracing him as much as I can. Show him that I also care about him.

He traces circles on my bare arm, and each movement sends tingles into my skin. "How are you holding up?"
I should be asking him that. It should be the other way around.

The dark circles are still there.
"Bad."
Another quiet moment follows, as we just lay here in each other's affection.

"I will try to fix the situation." I close my eyes in frustration.
"You don't even know it." It comes out more aggressive than I wanted to. But he understands that I didn't it mean like that.

"I can still try to figure it out."
His voice hums in his chest.
"You can't do anything about it."
I feel his faith drop as he slowly sighs.

"Why can't you just tell me what's happening?" His similar soft voice almost whispers in my ear. "I don't know what will happen if I do. It terrifies me."

I look at him, as butterflies still flutter in my stomach. He tries to search my eyes for the answer and fails. A small double chin forms as he's looking at me. He's so pure.

"How are you doing?"
At this point, he should've known that the question would appear again. His hand moves through his hair, as he searches for a way to dodge the question.
"Answer it."

"Why have you had dark circles under your eyes for the past two weeks? Probably longer than that, too."

Silence.

I push his chin making him face me.
"I can't tell you."
My brows furrow in confusion and my hand falls to his chest.

"Sorry, " he mumbles as he removes a lock of my brown, wavy hair away from my face. The sun is now gone, making the room even darker.

It's only fair that he doesn't tell me, but it still bothers me. Instead of letting the questions race in my head, I continue to ask. "What happened after the... episode?"

He almost seems relieved that I changed the topic. "We had to close the hallway and every room near yours. Tomorrow they will continue to fix the window."

"What did your father say?"

When I mention him, he tenses up, turning to me pushing my body even closer to his. "I told him that it was an accident, and he was ... busy, and told me to fix it."

Busy. Busy with doing what? Every question I want to ask gets caged in. Not wanting to stress him out even more. My reply is a long pause. Letting him know that I respect his privacy. Something he appreciates.

"What do you want to eat for breakfast tomorrow?"
I want to smile at his attempt to make me happy. I want to. My face remains apathetic.

"It doesn't matter."
He rubs his hands on my back, trying to comfort me in whatever way he can. I don't care if he cuddles with me or not. As long as I have his presence near mine.

"The Samira healed you physically, but I want to cure you mentally."

Samira. The extremely, rare balm. She wants her claws in it. I could steal it. I didn't. She would. But we're not the same. Sometimes I'm scared that I will turn out like her.

I feel like I nearly did once. Grateful that I didn't. Wishing that I won't.

"Don't push your emotions aside, just to help others."
I remember what I thought of him when I first got here. Believing he was cold and heartless. Putting on an act. Which was true. However, slowly the act somehow faded into him. Becoming a part of his personality.

And now he doesn't hide anything anymore. Since he trusted me, the analysis he constantly did in the background, got reduced further and further, for every second that passed. Gradually making it vanish.

Because he eventually trusted me more and more. He let his emotions rule him. Ending up trusting a foolish girl raised to lie.
He trusted a liar.

Trust. It will throw him off the throne. Sabotage him so effortlessly. It has already sabotaged him once. Who knows how many times it will sabotage him in the future.

"I'm not doing that, " he mutters into my neck completely exhausted. Wanting to sleep, but will continuously resist it until I fall asleep first. I play with his hair closing my eyes.

"Yes, you do."
His arm moves around my waist, sending butterflies fluttering again.
"Only for you."