Chasing Blue

Wondering.

s o m e t i m e — 3 years ago

Austin

"How was it last night?" May asked me as I hopped down from my kitchen counter. 

Steven made the yummiest hot chocolate as soon as he found out they were all sleeping over at my place. It's been the toughest week, to watch someone fall and break, piece by piece, and try their hardest to regain their strength but fail each time. 

There is one thing I realized all of last week, there is nothing more terrible in this world than watching her cry. It angers me and frustrates me to an extent where I want to kill whatever's making her ache. It affects me too much and I'm not good at hiding that. 

Every night of last week, she's had a nightmare, an episode. Or at least that's what her mom's friend, Dr. Ryan calls it. Even though her mom insisted on Izz taking therapy, Izz never considered it. She wouldn't talk it out with her parents and whenever she got the slightest chance to escape, she'd run over to my place. Her parents assume she opens up to me, so they let us stick around. But she doesn't talk to me either. 

I don't even know why she comes here. She's just silent and observant of everything. The first two nights were so rough, I decided to never leave her alone while she slept. These episodes, as Dr. Ryan calls it, get triggered only in the night, or when she remembers the event. It just makes her scream and suddenly burst into sobs. She furiously begins to sweat and if someone touches her then, she just denies it. She's scared of everyone who touches her. She's scared of getting physically close to anyone. I don't know if this is ever going to end. 

"Last night was different," I said recalling how she held my shirt in her hands and slept without waking up in the middle of the night. "I tried something new."

May's eyes beamed. "What? And how was it different?" 

"I--can't tell you that but it seems to be working. She didn't have a nightmare." I smiled, quite proud of myself. 

"Really? She didn't wake up even once?" May held my arm and turned me around. I shook my head, smiling. "Well, then what did you do?" 

"I'm not certain if it worked or not, I'm just experimenting. I'll tell you once I confirm it." I whispered, keeping it low so the others don't hear it. 

May turned to the living room to see them normally continuing to scream and laugh. They were playing a marathon of video games. Liam and Jason kept losing on purpose to make her happy, but guess what, she didn't like the sympathy. Now they're trying to win, playing genuinely and it seems to be working because she likes this. 

Dr. Ryan instructed us not to pity her or do things considering the event of the incident. That just makes the victim feel abnormal and different. We're supposed to go back like how everything was before. We're supposed to treat her indifferently. In other words, it's not just me, now everyone has to pretend. 

"Austin," May said as I washed the mugs, "Does she know you guys gave up on the match you had this week?" 

I quickly snapped my head at her. "No, she doesn't and no, she won't ever know." 

"It was the end-of-season match." She whispered. "It was important for all of you."

I opened my mouth to answer but Jason beat me to it. "Not more than her." He walked in with an apple in his hand. "Plus, each of us for all of us, right? You would've done it too." 

"I know, she would've done it too. It's just that--you guys practiced so hard for it." she shrugged, unconvinced.

I finished washing the mugs and I turned around with a smile. "This was just our first year. We'll have loads of opportunities, don't worry. We'll make them count. But right now, this matters."