Chasing Blue

#38: Blue Bleeding Red.

Present

Isabella

"Fuck, Austin--I can explain--" Jacob spoke his scripted words but I just turned my face away from him. I couldn't look at him anymore. Tears stained my face like waterfalls on boulders. I couldn't believe I'd actually succeeded in this and he saw us. 

"No need," Austin's voice dripped with pain. "It's pretty self-explanatory. And even if I want an explanation, it's definitely not from you." 

I couldn't speak. I couldn't even find my breath, forget about finding my voice. I could hear every cell inside me screaming not to do what I'm doing. Every nerve yelling at me that they hate me. I hated myself, and what ached more was how his voice was rhythming the tone of failure. 

"Izz?" I could hardly hear his voice. "What did I walk into?"

My head fell down in shame. Tears were constantly pouring now, making all my makeup stain on my face and maybe making me look uglier than ever. I opened my mouth but only sobs came out and I had to take in a loud breath to not end up choking. 

"Don't cry." He whispered but more tears came down. I could feel his eyes on me. 

Why is he making this so difficult? My hands started to tremble, my throat felt constricting. The unreal walls around me were caging me in, drawing me more away from him.

I felt his hands on my elbow as he turned me around to face him. He held my chin and lifted my face higher so I could look at him. I opened my eyes and saw his eyes glistening with tears, mimicking mine, only, his eyes were red. It was like a massacre. A bloody ugly massacre that his eyes witnessed and ended up aching so much that they bled. It's the kind of red your eyes turn when you control your tears to an extent that surpasses normalcy. 

I can't look at them anymore and I can't stop crying. I'm giving him so much pain, it makes me want to disappear. 

"Tell me what's going on in your head." He spoke so softly, my mind just cursed me for doing all this. 

How can I be so heartless toward him? He doesn't deserve this. 

But if I tell him I'll be digging all our graves and I don't want him or anyone to suffer because of me. Either way, I'm going to be ruining him. 

It was time, I needed to do it right now-quick and fast. Like a bandage, I needed to rip it off. Only that this time, it's going to pain more. Ripping the bandage, the wound in both of us will open up. And I'm choosing the only way, the worst way to rip this thing off. He's already seen it, so I just have to tell it from my mouth. Quick and Fast. 

I took a sharp breath, wiping away the rest of the tears which had trailed a wet path from my ears to my neck. I looked at him, clearing my voice. "I'm sorry, you deserve better."

His eyes narrowed more. I heard the cracking of my heart. The crack is slowly spreading, forming layers of cracks that are affecting my core. My stomach twisted and I wanted to bark out the pain that was causing me to burn like this. I wanted to end myself when I saw the same pain reflecting in his eyes. His hands left my chin and he took a step back.

He blinked his eyes, trying to let what I said completely digest. His breaths were loud, and I could make out that he was controlling them. The frown on his face vanished when he gulped. He sighed loudly. Painfully. 

"Is that what you want?" He asked closing his eyes. 

"I'm s-sorry," I nodded, allowing tears to roll down my cheeks again. 

I instantly crossed my fingers beside me. Hating myself, I frowned, clicking my jaw. I forced my teeth to stop trembling. My nails dug in my hands to stop them from scratching me. How was I doing this, breaking him piece by piece?