Chasing Blue

#5: So Much For Normalcy.

I'll say that you were so beautiful, you made me do ridiculous, reckless things.
-Kass Morgan

. . .

Present

Isabella

"Izz open the door." Austin hissed.

But I shook my head as tears rolled down again.

I was shattered inside. I knew letting him in would mean that I would get the comfort and love I needed right now. But it also meant that at one point in time, we would have to speak about how we got close. Although he would console me, what happened at that party would certainly be the ignorant elephant in the room.

And I prefer handling one thing at a time than taking it all at once. I can't even take Grace out of my mind. And her words just add on the scum smell to the rotting filth I feel deep down in my stomach. A feeling I'm so familiar with but had forgotten all this while. I had enough torture imagining what she had undergone, she didn't even have to explain it word by word. But she did it anyway.

She needed to vent and I don't exactly know why I offered myself as a listener. Given the situation, it was a Deja vu added with an extra flight down through nostalgia. The images of what Grace described so conveniently fitted to images of that rainy, stormy, scandalous night.

I glance at his hands gripping the balcony door amidst all the raindrops resting on it. I hate rainy nights. 

"Izz, you can either open the door or I will break it open myself." I hear Austin groan again.

More tears just flowed down seeing him stand there. I know I felt too much today. Or is that just the feeling when you start getting attracted to someone.

I hate what I'm doing right now. 

I'm making it so obvious that I'm feeling weird. Which would obviously make him feel more awkward. That's not how I should be treating my best friend. This is the worst way I could possibly react and look at me choosing it. Leaving apart the fact that I left him uninformed at the party, he is here. He's right here, waiting for me to open the doors. And now is not the time to choose and react dramatically.

I walk towards him when I see him get ready to punch the door. I unlock the balcony latch and move back towards my bed.

"BUSY? YOU THINK I WAS BUSY FOR YOU WHEN SOMETHING LIKE THIS HAPPENED?" Austin screamed as he entered my room and I shivered at the tone of his voice and the cold air he brought behind him.

Good thing I had my back to him since more tears flowed down. It's been a while since I cried. This was me the whole of the spring break before Sophomore year.

"Austin, I--"

"Is that all I mean to you, Izz?" He asked me so softly, that I was almost afraid he'd start crying. 

Hurt was so evident in his voice. I hate myself today. Only if he knows how much he means to me at this very instant. I don't want to hurt him. I don't want to cause him pain. I respect him so much, that I don't ever want to make him question his presence in my life. 

"No. Austin I saw you--"

"Bullshit, Izz. For all I care, you could've come and yelled at me and I still wouldn't be mad at you." He wailed closer. I could hear his voice louder now, his breath so heavy. 

His words can be so pricking but true at times, I can't dodge them off. I just shut my eyes tighter as the water of guilt and sadness flooded out.

"Talk to me Izz, do you think so little of me? After everything we've been through?" His voice was a little calm now.