Chasing Blue

#46: Farewell.

The perfect song for this chapter doesn't exi--

Present

Isabella

Either I'm jinxed or this resort definitely is. From the time I've stepped into this place, it feels like God decided to dump the karma of my sins collectively on my head and get entertained. I pray that Jason gets the ownership at the earliest and breaks the jinx attached to this place.

Something in me doesn't let me confess to him that the mere reason I'm rethinking going oceans away from home is because of him. I find the thought alone gut-wrenching. I can't think of my life 400 meters away from him, forget 4000 miles. 

Confusion, as an emotion, has taken rent and settled down in my mind. It's so deep-rooted now, that I feel closer to the emotion than I feel toward my own mother. Everything in the last few days has started and ended in confusion. I hate the lack of clarity I'm seeing in every aspect of my life. There are so many things I want answers to but the confusion starts with which question to ask, what thought to explore, what decision to take, and who may it affect. My mind is drained. I have no energy left in me to even think about what I'm going to do with my life. 

"Izz," Austin snaps in front of my face. I blink and zone in, even subconsciously. "Your dad just got you an opportunity of a lifetime. He helped you get into Harvard. It's like a school I didn't even dream of going to or applying to because I thought it was out of my league. You're going to be a Harvard Graduate, are you even listening to me?" 

"Yes," I nod and look at May, Liam and Jason, all mirroring the same expression as Austin. Excited. Happy. Thrilled. 

And then there's my mind, gripping the fear of letting them go away so tightly, that I might just change my mind and skip college. The fear alone weighs out all the motivation I can see on their faces. 

"Yes, to the question or yes to go to Harvard?" Jason asks, dialing up his excitement.

"Yes to the question," I say with clarity, it surprises me. 

"Why not to Harvard?" Austin snaps at me. "I want you to be a little appreciative of what your dad has got you, Izz. This isn't an opportunity you 'think about' or 'take time to decide'. This is an opportunity you jump at without thinking. There's nothing than can weigh out a chance like this." 

Believe me, there is. I'm looking right at it and it seems like a much better choice to be with than Harvard. 

"Grace was right," May says touching my arm. "I leave in a week, the boys leave in five days and everything is going to change. High school is done. We just graduated. Don't you remember throwing your cap?" She laughed and I managed to smile. But it was too painful to hold onto so I let it fade away. "We're all going, Bella. One way or the other." 

"I'm going the farthest." I sigh looking down. 

"Then you'll also go the highest," Liam mutters and I let his voice wrap me in comfort. "It takes a little rain for rainbows." I turn to him and he's not smiling. "I mean, it's just until college ends. We always come back home. All of us." 

I am grateful to my dad for bringing a second chance to my college life. Motivating me with a bigger dream and pushing me to achieve bigger goals. But there is still a part of me that thinks this is a not-so-good idea. I'm not as expressive as May, but I don't feel okay with the change either. My gut feeling is hinting at something I can't figure out. I feel tremendous pain in so many parts, I cannot even begin to count and list out.