AYANDA: Another Chance At Love

Chapter 2

I shed a tear and my mother inlaw takes me into her arms, I'm hesitant to accept the hug considering that I'm still sweaty and sticky but she insists and this feels amazing, a hug that I long for everyday from my mother.

My relationship with my mother changed the day I got married, I had so much hate towards her that I distanced myself from her and her daughters, but one person who has always been on my side is my older sister, Thembi, she's been very supportive and was definitely against the idea of marrying me off to Muzi.

Lately my husband is never home, we haven't been on good terms for the past few months, we've been trying for a child to no luck so I think now he has finally given up on this failed marriage of ours, I don't blame him though, this was never what we both wanted for ourselves, this was everything our parents wanted.

Muzi is the oldest of 4 siblings, he has 2 younger brothers(Nkosinathi who is 30 years of age, Abongile who is 27 years of age) and 1 younger sister(Andiswa, who is 19 years of age). His parents agreed to the idea of this marriage because they believed that he has to lead by example for his younger siblings.

Anyway, my mother inlaw and I chat over a cup of tea and muffins for a couple of hours before she leaves. I tidy up around the house, take a shower and change into a free flowing orange dress, it's the peak of spring so it's getting really hot.

I grab my laptop and decide to go and sit outside by the pool to continue working on my blog, that's all I sit around and do, I journal my thoughts, feelings and ideas, it's one of my ways of therapy and also keeping myself busy. I've applied for post grad diploma in Education for next year, at least I'll have something to do for the duration of the year, I haven't told my husband about it yet because he is against the idea of me working or even studying.

After hours of basking in the sun, I decide to get started with dinner preparations, while cooking the kitchen door swings open and my husband walks in still wearing his suit.

"maGumede" he greets planting a kiss on my cheek, well he still smells of her perfume, I smile trying by all means to keep myself from crying. He walks to the fridge and pours himself a glass of juice. "your mother was here earlier..." he shoots me an inquisitive look "you told her didn't you? You ran to her and told her that I didn't come home?!" his voice gets a bit louder now and I'm stuttled a bit.

"no I didn't, she just came by for our usual tea talks" he chuckles a bit before putting the glass in the sink and attempting to walk out of the kitchen, "Muzi, I've applied to do my post graduate qualification next year" I think there's no better time to break it to him than now. he stops on his tracks and chuckles, looks and me and smiles "yeah sure, that's great, it's not like you're raising  children here anyway, so do something with your time" with that said he walks off.

I wipe my tears and try to calm myself down but the tears just won't stop falling, I switch off the stove and head out to the veranda, I sit there and cry my eyeballs out, I cry until I feel better, walk to the bathroom, wash my face and head to our bedroom, I hear the shower running and there's a clean outfit on the bed, I guess he's here to freshen up and leave again.

I go down on my knees and pray, I always ask God why I cannot bare kids for Muzi, is it because I once considered abortion? I cry again as I pray, he walks out and doesn't even pay attention to me. He dresses up and shortly after, he grabs his car keys and leaves.

After my prayer, I change into my pjs since it's after 6pm, head downstairs to dish up for myself and grab a bottle of wine, I mean it's Friday afterall. I sit on my couch, lights off, I pick a movie on Netflix then I get busy on my phone.

I know I cannot be the only one who picks a movie so that it plays on the background while I pay full attention to my phone. I go through people's statuses and I see people are living their best lives, Thembi is on a baecation with her hubby, my younger sister Mbali is clubbing as always, then Lungelo doesn't usually post so I don't know what's going on in her life.

Everyone around me seems to be doing something with their lives, besides me, now since Muzi said I could go on and study, I might as well start looking for a job, maybe get a new wardrobe, take care of myself again, I feel like I've let myself go, the monthly allowance he gives me I usually use to buy hair products and thats about it, I don't even have a skin care routine at this age.

I go on Instagram and look for wardrobe ideas because I think tomorrow I'll go on a solo date, that's also part of my self therapy sessions, it helps honestly.

So in as much as I love nails and I was once in the nail tech business, I am not a make up kind of girl, I don't even know how to draw an eyebrow, I can't differentiate between foundation and concealer, but Chile! I love clothing and cute shoes so that's just what I'm going to get for myself, I don't own any wigs/ weaves so maybe I could get myself one of those as well since I'm going to be a student again soon and hopefully a working girl.

I decide to journal this on my blog, I feel better, thinking about change does really bring a sense of relief, I really look forward to tomorrow.