AYANDA: Another Chance At Love

Chapter 40

It's been a week of being in this hospital ward, today I'm finally getting discharged, I've undergone the procedure to clean my womb and might I add I'm in the worst emotional state.

I hate how everyone who has ever come to visit me looks at me with so much pity, I'm not dying or anything I just lost a child who was not supposed to be there in the first place, what happened between Nathi and I shouldn't have happened.

Thando is coming to fetch me, mainly because I really don't want any pity from my sisters or my parents, I've had enough of that. She'll be driving me back to my house and apparently we need to go down to KZN for a cleansing ceremony, it's Thursday today so tomorrow I need to drive down. I've asked my parents to take care of Wami while I try to get my life together. Tonight I really just want to be alone.

Thando walks in, offers a warm brief hug "are you ready?" I smile and nodd, I truly appreciate that she didn't ask how I'm feeling, it has become a very rhetorical question, it annoys me that people still see the need to ask me such. I take my bags then a nurse walks in shortly, she greets us then hands me the discharge papers. I sign and finally we leave.

The drive from the hospital to my house was quiet, with just the music playing in the background. We get to my place then she helps me with my bags "If you need anything at all, I'm just a phone call away okay?" she says, giving me an assuring look, I smile and nodd, she hugs me before she walks out.

I house feels cold, it feels different. I decide to clean up, my phone is still off and I think I'd like to keep it that way. I blast music while I clean, listening to Tasha cobbs and singing my lungs out, I clean out the fridge, throw out literally every food item that'll remind me of my pregnancy cravings, I wash all the food containers that were in the fridge, clear out my cupboard, the fresh food I decide to pack into plastic bags to give to the guys by the robots when I go grocery shopping later on.

After the kitchen I decide to rearrange my sitting room, I change the arrangement of the furniture, I remove the black fur carpet and replace it with a cream white fur carpet, I remove the cushion covers, replace them with white fur cushion covers then clean the coffee table and the TV stand. I go up to the bedrooms, first I take a huge plastic bag and throw in every clothing item that I had bought for my baby, during this process, it hits me, i actually failed to protect my baby, I lost my baby because I couldn't protect him.

I sink down to the floor and just let emotions consume me, i spend over an hour sitting here crying, I feel so helpless, it would've been better if I died and my baby survived, I know the Mabaso's would've given him a better life, I'm such a failure, I lose everything that I touch.

I pick myself up and take off the clothes I had on, I step into the shower and let the hot shower water relax my tensed up body. After about 30 minutes in the shower, I step out, lotion and dress in navy sweatpants, a purple Nike hoodie, socks and slippers. I go downstairs, I'm hungry but then I remember I cleaned out the fridge so I decide to order some pizza and a bottle of wine. I switch on my phone to make the order.

Tones of messages and notifications flood in, I have so many sms's coming from an unsaved Number and a few missed calls from that number. I decide to call my mother first, "mntanam..." she picks up and just instantly my eyes tear up, "ma... How is Wami?" she sighs "she okay, but she misses you, we all do" I try to control my tears but they just keep rolling down. I sniff, "buya ekhaya Aya, come and be with your family, people who care about you, we want to support you my baby please come home, we miss you" at this point both her and I are in tears, I feel bad for putting my family through this, but I don't know how to save myself either, I'm literally drowning in this pit of pain.

"ngizoza ma, as soon as we get back from KZN" she sighs, "no problem my baby, sizobonana ksasa ke, we love you Aya, take care of yourself, angazi ngingaba yini sengilahlekelwa nguwe Mntanam, umama Uyakthanda yezwa" I nodd as if she can see me "Yebo ma, I have to go now, bye" I hang up and let out a loud cry, my heart aches so much, I don't want to feel this way anymore, why has God turned his back on me like this? I hate this feeling, I truly hate it here.

It's 18h30 and I place my order, it arrives in 20 minutes, I channel hop looking to something to watch while I eat my pizza and drink my wine directly from the bottle. The door bell rings, I thought I told everyone to give me some space but clearly this one didn't listen, then they'll ring the door bell until they leave.

The door bell rings a few times and then suddenly there's banging on my door, so much Disrespect. I stand and walk towards the door "who is it?" the person doesn't respond after a few quiet minutes "look Aya, I know I'm the last person you want to see but please hear me out" what is he doing here and how did he know that I got discharged?

"what do you want Nathi?" he sighs "I wanna be there for you, I want to go through this with you, it kills me to know that you're in here all alone, please Aya" I have a lot of mixed feelings about this, what does this man want from me? "Aya please, he was my son too, you didn't let me go through the pregnancy with you, the least you can do is allow us to go through this together please"

I'm stuck on the same spot with tears rolling down my eyes, I don't know what to say or do at this point. "look it's okay, I'll sleep on the door step, just so you know that I'm here for you" it's a very cold day and I wouldn't even let my worst enemy sleep outside on such a cold day.

I open the door and he's still standing there, with teary eyes, I leave the door open and walk back to my couch and continue channel hopping. He walks in and looks at me with a frown as soon as he notices the bottle of wine that I've just gulped down my throat, "I don't think you're in any state to be drinking like that" he grabs the bottle from the coffee table, walks to the kitchen with it then comes back after about 10 minutes holding two cups of green tea, he must've gone through the bags of food that I packed.

He hands it to me I don't even protest I just take the cup and have a sip, it has some honey and lemons, it tastes really great.

He decided to sit right next to me but there's two other couches, I just let him be, he takes the remote then picks a movie "everything,everything" I've read the book but I've never watched it so I let him be, I put my empty cup on the coffee table, when I sit back he pulls me into his arms and I don't even protest, as much as I am upset with this man, he's the only man I've ever loved and recieved the same love from in return, he is my home....