misjudged the notion of love

this is just moronic logic

After a silent car ride, mew went to his apartment to go slowly in to shake his head a bit after the previous conversation he had with kirkas younger brother, has he took off his shoes, to then go forth to go to his kitchen to open his refrigerator, to chew at his inner cheek has he stare at a few bottles of beer. He kept more even though he only drank one a year, mew then took in a deep breathe to grab one by the neck to then turn to go to his living room to sit to his chair, hunched over to look at it narrowly.
Sighing, he leaned back, to keep the bottle wrapped to his hand to look forward to roll his eyes.
What could gulf be thinking? Does he actually think sex is the reason why he shelled off these seconds?
Mew then shattered his teeth to move his eyes about a bit.
Well...... When we have, he did shell off these seconds but when we...... He didn't.... So maybe....
Mew signed heavily to then throw the bottle to the other chair to then eye it to hunch himself over to then cup his hands together to stare at them to close his eyes to take in a very deep breathe.
You are not like your father mew..... You have a lot of self control....... You do not need that drink, once a year is fine enough.....
Mew took in a deep breathe to fill in his lungs to then get up to grab the beer bottle roughly to then go back to his kitchen to place it back to grab a snack to then take it to his living room, to sit to his chair to stare at the television that he just turned on to chew at it at times to really think about what gulf had said..
So....if I really allow this.... Gulf and I.... Would be to do this twice a month, he has a meet every 2 weeks..... But he really wants to get drunk before we...... But he did say he would only take a shot, which wouldn't do a thing, did also say he would be nicer to me and stop with the hypocrital homophobic remarks, especially when he is gay, closeted, but gay none the same.
Mew signed has he ate too roll his eyes.
I can't believe I am actually considering this, I have paid off this debt when I invoked beatings from my father especially when I almost died from one and my mother to.....
Mew gritted his teeth and hard..
Haven't I paid for my mistake of what I thought would help gulf enough? How much more do I have to do to be out of this?
Mew then ate the remainder of the food he had to his hand, to exhale a bit loudly.
Gulf did say......if I were to actually do this for him..... He gets to the Olympics, my debt for taking his virginity in such a way, will be uplifted and we can finally move past it.....
Mew then hunched himself over to then place his elbows to his knees to then take his cupped hands to his mouth to take in a deep breathe.
I have done so many despicable things to gulf, to what I thought would help but didn't so..... Should I do this?
Mew Darted his eyes to then look to the ceiling.
I had made a promise to myself after what I did to gulf, I would stay celibate.....mm.... Hasn't been working..... But if this is what he needs, and seems to be working...... Should I deny him that? Maybe it could help us, then kirka will see that, and we all can have a better happier relationship......kirka has done so much for me and I really want to be there for him, that's why I did what I did for gulf, he didn't need to lose his virginity to that little asshole who didn't love him, I've been there, didn't want gulf to grow up to be like..... Me....
Mew signed to then take his hands down to then lean back into his chair to look forward to then move his hand up and down his leg to bounce his foot a bit.
I will only have to do this until he goes to the Olympics...... We would be better in front of Kirka....... He would stop with the slurs and I am getting gulf to not drink so much......
Mew took in a very long deep breathe to then drum his fingers to his leg.
What are the negatives to this?
Mm, I also forgot I made mention to be able to sleep over, I only said that to irk him out of this but he did say I could try the couch, maybe he is slowly changing and is trying to stop being such a prick to me......
How we are with the other really does need to stop..... Maybe if I allow this....... We could be better..... Also.....
Mew then looked to his apartment has of someone to be there to make an uncomfortable face to then look down while his ears turned red a bit.
I don't know how, but that boy..... His ass..... Is so super fucking tight......I have been with three before him and they don't compare, not by a long shot, but......I keep hurting him and making him bleed.....
Mew signed to then get up to place a hand to his hip and a hand to his mouth to look to his ceiling to shake his head.
Damnit! Can I really allow this to actually happen with the two of us?
Should I really give into gulf like this?
Will this be damaging?
Fuck! I don't think I can actually do this, I don't want to hurt that boy further and I don't want this to come back and bite me in the ass with Kirka, so what in the hell should I really do?
Mew then paced about his place to keep thinking to not really know what to do about this at all.