falling for you [m.s.]

one hundred sixty nine

gwen got in a taxi immediatly after she left the hospital. she had cried the whole car ride ignoring the driver's questions if she was okay or if she needs anything.

she just looked down at her phone swipping through her pictures with derek.

photos from both their gratuation, derek's and addison's wedding, the birth of bailey, hailey and piper. the adoption of zola. a few random ones while board meetings.

she smiled at all of them while tears ruined her mascara making her look like some crazy chick.

it still wasn't completely in her mind that derek is gone. he will never come back.

they will never laugh again, tease each other or just simply talk.

she should have stayed with meredith.

but she just couldn't look at derek's dead body for one more second.

"we're there, ma'am." the taxi driver announces causing gwen to slightly flinch.

she just nodded took some cash and handed it to him. then she walked up her porch to see mark sitting outside with a bottle of scotch in his hand.

he looked up once he heard gwen heels on the concret. they both were silent only the owls and the wind could be heard.

"derek's dead." gwen says tears forming in her eyes. it's the first time she said it out loud. mark just nodded taking another sip from the bottle. "i just pulled the plug with meredith."

mark sigh deeply before looking up at his wife's empty eyes. no sparkle, no joy, no gwen. he knows that this would break her. he knows that she will not be the old gwen without derek by her side.

out of all her siblings derek was gwen's favourite. and the other way around.

he watched as gwen walked closer to him. she took the bottle before spilling all of the alcohol onto the concret.

"don't drown your sorrow in alcohol, mark." she simply says. "just don't."

"okay." mark says before taking gwen's hand in his own squeezing it. "i'm so sorry for this. i know how much derek meant to you and your sisters." mark sobs drying his wet eyes.

gwen just pressed mark's head against her stomach to which mark pulled his arms around her. he then started to sob loudly while gwen stroke his head having tears running down her own cheeks.

at one point gwen couldn't hold in and started to cry out loud, too. she felt so angry and devastated that she just cried until her heart ached.

she couldn't, no she didn't want to imagine a life without her brother in it.

"how do i tell my mom? my sisters? oh my god, amelia will start to drink again or something." gwen sobs not being able to wipe her tears away as more and more spilled.

"it's going to be okay." mark says now hugging gwen tightly while she gripped his shirt probaly thinking he'll disappear too if she let go.

"ahhhh!" gwen yells out in pain. a pain you can't describe. a pain you just didn't want to feel at all costs.

the feeling to lose the most important person in your life.

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gwen stood in front of a mirror looking at her appearance. she hadn't slept all week because of all of this.

it was one week since derek died and gwen hasn't come out of her room for once. she just lies in bed all day looking at the ceiling. sometimes when she fells asleep she dreams about her and derek.