The Light Before Dawn (BxB)

Chapter 13

I am now here in front of his grand piano, scanning through its every key. I don't know how to play; all I can do is sing. Maybe we can jam later after he finish washing the dishes. I wonder what he's thinking right now since I didn't answer his question earlier.


"Do you want me to play?" he asked. I did not even bother looking at him, I just move myself a bit so we can sit together.

"Yes, please."

I can't help myself but to admire him more as he plays "Tadhana". I am just looking at him as he started to press the key in the piano. My heart shrinks at the thought as I think of him doing this to me every day, us, the cold wind, the comforting feeling, the sound of piano, the vehicles noise, and the rain. I closed my eyes just like him and that started to make my heart beat faster like it's the first time all over again.

"Ibinubunyag ka ng iyong matang, sumisigaw ng pagsinta." I open my eyes after I sang the lyrics and to my surprise, he's looking back at me too. He smiles which made me more caught in the moment. We are both looking at each other as he plays and I sing. The song was about to finish and I am on the half of the last stanza, but the moment I started to say the lyrics, he sings with me with an eye showing all the vulnerability and sadness he's feeling.

"'Wag mo ikatakot ang bulong ng damdamin mo, naririto ako't nakikinig sa'yo."

I did not  wait until the song is up to its lasts beats. After we had the last line, I stood up and went to the door towards his room. "Pasok na ako." I simply said without waiting for his reply.


The night is already deep and we are now both here laying in his bed. When I enter his room, all I think about was that expression and I still don't want to believe what that says about me. It lingers me up until now and I don't know how to get away with it. Sinusubukan kong pilitin ang tulog ko nang sa gayon hindi ko na siya isipin pa at para na rin wala ng usap ang mamagitan sa'min.

For a moment everything became silent. Tanging tunog lang ng ulan ang naririnig ko. Hindi ko alam kung gaano ako katagal nagpapanggap hanggang sa namalayan na tuluyan na akong nahimbing sa tulog.


Nagising ako nang alas dos ng madaling araw dahil sa sakit ng paa ko. Mahaba ang nilakad namin kanina at nabasa pa ito kaya siguro ganito. Siniliip ko ang katabi ko at nakita kong mahimbing itong natutulog na nakaharap sa kaniyang kaliwa kung saan ang gawi ko. Gaya ng dati ay may mahinang hilik na lumalabas mula sa kaniya.

Inulit ko lang ginawa ko kanina na hindi gumagalaw baka sakaling makatulog ulit ako, pero hindi umepekto kaya nagpaikot ikot ako. Humahanap ako ng tamang posisyon para maging kumportable at mabawasan an sakit. Nagulat nalang ako nang biglang magsalita si Lucas.

"Ayos ka lang ba?" Tanong nito sa akin. Pupungas pungas itong umupo at binalingan ako.

"Masakit ang paa ko dahil sa kanina." Pag-amin ko rito.

Umayos ako ng upo nang makita kong tumayo siya at nagpunta sa drawer na katabi ng pintuan. Pumasok din siya sa kaniyang walk-in closet, mukhang may kinuha din dito. Tumungo siya sa side table sa gawi ko at binuksan ang ilaw at kinuha ang kaniyang salamin sa mata sa drawer nito at sinuot.

Tang ina, hindi ko inaasahan na ganito siya kagwapo kapag nakasuot and mga ito. Samahan pa ng kaniyang mga naggagalawang mga kalamnan ng kaniyang braso at ang repleksyon ng ilaw na nasa aking tabi. Parang mamamatay ata ako ngayon.

Naupo siya sa paanan ng kama kung saan ako nakahiga. "Akin na ang paa mo."

"Anong gagawin mo?" Nagtataka kong tanong mula sa kaniya.

"Hihilutin ko. Ito ang ginagamit ni.... Ito ang ginagamit ko tuwing may masakit sa'kin."

Ipinagsawalang bahala ko nalang kung ano gusto niyang sabihin at ibinigay ang paa ko.

He moved his hand very slowly and I can feel his tenderness, the way he cares for me. As we are both looking at each other, I realized that what I am feeling for him did not change, hindi nga rin nabawasan. It just went deeper and deeper every day that I am avoiding him. It made me wanting more of him, to be with him every time.

Just like his presence, his place feels like home. Everything that was at this moment was made to be here. The warmth that the light gives, the rain which made it balanced, and him, just existing.

Kuhang kuha na niya talaga ako. Kaya lang ay hindi pa rin ganito ang nais kong mangyari, kailangan ko pa rin na gawin at ipagpatuloy ang mga bagay na nasimulan ko.

"Nababawasan ba ang sakit?" Tanong nito sa akin. Hindi pa rin kami nagbibitaw ng tingin sa isa't isa mula kanina.

"No." It's just the same Lucas, it's always the same. I love you and it hurts knowing that this isn't what the world wants us to be.

"Alright, I'll try harder" saka siya ngumiti.

My heart ache on what he just said. I can feel that we feel the same. Mas matapang lang siya, mas kaya niya dahil kahit anong gawin at sabihin ko sa kaniya ay hindi siya umaalis. In spite of me being an asshole to him, still he always made sure that I can always feel his presence without any words said, it's just pure actions and good intentions.

As I want to continue doing this until we see the rising sun or even a little light, I choose not to. He's my sunrise, my new beginning. My hope. But it's sad that I can't show him that. I can't show him everything that he truly deserves. I'm sorry, my love. This will be hard for the both of us, because God knows how I want you to be with me as we wait for the sunrise, facing the new day with each other, but I think that's just a dream we can both never have. I never wanted anything more aside from the world where both of us can walk and be proud of our love, but it's not the reality that we are all living. It's full of judgement, disappointment, and a lot of cruel things. If that's really possible, I'll do everything I can because I never felt this contented in my whole life. Only you Lucas can make me feel this way. Only you.

"That's enough." I need to stop this.

Ngayon ko lang inamin sa sarili ko kung gaano ako kaduwag. Hindi ko kayang gawin ang tulad ng mga ginagawa niya dahil natatakot ako sa mga maaring mangyari. Hindi ganito ang gusto ng mundo para sa aming dalawa at wala kaming magagawa ro'n.

"Okay, but know that I am always here."