𝐋𝐢𝐟𝐞 𝐨𝐧 𝐌𝐚𝐫𝐬? (𝐅𝐫𝐞𝐝 𝐖𝐞𝐚𝐬𝐥𝐞𝐲)

39. Carrie

"I don't have to give you explanations Fred"  I started to turn my back away as he had stayed silent with no response. But he was Fred, rare were the moments when he was speechless.

"I'm sorry okay? I was an asshole and you didn't deserve it. I just want to be friends again. I understand you don-" I cut him off, already done with his dumb explanations. I was done and my temper had fell of the edge I was trying to keep united from collapsing.

"You played with my insecurities and you tell me you want to be friends? First you kiss me, then tell me I'm a fucking cry baby and all of a sudden you care about me again?" I didn't yell, I was too tired to but my voice had raised the tone.

He stayed there for a few moments, as if trying to get in his mind what he should say, but what came out seemed impulsive, starting an argument with bottled emotions that had been hidden ever since we met.

"Well you played with my feelings Mars! I just don't get you" he started "I'm tired you know, I'm tired of pretending I don't like you. You know why me and Alicia broke up? Because of you, because I couldn't fucking forget you no matter how hard I tried. And I hurt her because of this, and I'm tired of hurting people because I can't admit my feelings to you. And I'm so mad that I can't be there for you in the way I want. At this point I don't care if it's even just as friends, I just want you in my life. I don't care if you like someone else, I just wanna be there" he confessed and I stood there speechless with the words that had came out of his mouth as his face was starting to get wet in tears.

I don't think I had ever seen him like this, so vulnerable. I had broken him. Standing in front of me he looked like an old porcelain doll ready to collapse, shattering it's pieces all over the floor.

"Why do you just keep pushing me away? I don't understand" he spoke again ending the running feelings in my head.

I thought about his question. I'd been avoiding it since forever, afraid he wouldn't understand my reasons. Afraid he would fight back and put himself in danger. Afraid that if I'd gave in I'd break his heart. It was ironic in my mind how I had already managed to do it.

And so it was enough. Whether the conclusion would be the worst out of this, he needed to know the truth. Even if what I was going to say was stupid I felt as if I owned him something. He had just made himself this vulnerable in front of me, it wasn't an easy thing for him and I knew that. I think by this time both of us were tired of swinging in the fine line that played so much with our feelings.

"Because I've never felt this. I don't know what the fuck this is Fred" I pointed my finger between us" I don't know if I like you in that way or if I just want attention because I spent all my life trapped between four walls, filling my head in dreams. Because I feel like this life isn't how I pictured and everyday I wish I could run away and never fucking come back" I started to cry with him. I was a mess and my voice was raspy. I finally told him how I felt and in that moment I just wanted to run away and forget that it happened.

"Why? It isn't just all bad you know? And I want to help you see that Mars. I wanna show you what is it worth to live for. Because you know, that night in your house, that feeling on my stomach... that is something to live for, and don't tell me you didn't felt it" he took my hand in his speaking quieter, the argument dying down as both of us were too tired of the impulsiveness, and our heads started to hurt with so many tears getting spilled.

"I'm sorry. Everything is so overwhelming. And I'm just afraid that this will be a disappointment like the rest was. And that I won't do the right things, and that it won't be magical and that I won't correspond what you want. That this, won't be as exciting as a fucking movie. But most of all I'm afraid you'll get hurt! I mean I'm a fucking Black, I'm involved in some deep shit of a family. Do you expect that the death eaters just ignore your existence? You don't want to be afiliated with me" I sucked my lips into a thin line containing the rest of the tears that were readying themselves to break free, anxious at what he would say next.