This is life.

61 ➤ Let's move past what's happened

"I'm getting the slightest hint that you feel weird." She says. "Do you feel weird?" I scoff as I put the icebag on my nightstand. "Do I feel weird? You're asking someone who just let a teenager finger them and eat them out if they feel weird? Haha, so funny. No one can know. No one can know, do you hear me?" "You think I'm left clear from evidence?" I notice I had left a lovebite on her neck and collar bone. Dammit I need to learn how to control myself. "You gave me plenty." I point out. "But I have to train later," "If your trainer notices you're fucking dead." I tell her. "You think I don't know that?" She snaps. "Stop swearing at me, please." She sighs. A few moments of silence pass before I lose common sense. "Why would you...go so far?" I find myself asking. "Why would you do that when I said no." I whispered mainly to myself. I expected an ear-piercing response but instead I feel her head rest on my shoulder. "I don't know. I'm a fucking idiot, for god's sake. I'm sorry."

"You weren't sorry enough not to do it, Chanel. And that was...it wasn't okay. Now I don't, I don't, I don't, I don't-" "Calm down Britney." She says. "No you can't tell me to calm down you can't tell me to calm down! That's not fair! You brought this on yourself, and now I have to face the consequences because you didn't give me a chance to-" "A chance to what, Britney? Tell me what chance I deprived you of." "You deprived me of my conscience, Chanel. I'm not going to be able to do anything the same now. I'm not going to act the same, I'm not going to think the same, I'm not going to sleep the same. People are going to start noticing. Everything's different now." "Oh because different is bad? Because of me following my desires I've ruined your life? You can't say that." She tells me. "I can! You know why? Because you had no self-control." She stops pacing the room to look at me and shakes her head. "Don't you talk to me about self-control you fucking hypocrite. You did nothing to stop me." She prods her finger to my chest harshly. I slap it away out of frustration.

"I'm a hypocrite, am I? I said nothing was meant happen. Nothing. What part of that didn't you understand?" I ask rhetorically. "The part when you kissed me back! You didn't stop anything after I tried kissing you the second time, did you?! No! So don't act all high and mighty! We're in the same boat." I bring my hands to my face, wanting nothing more but to crawl into a deep hole and forever hide from the face of the earth. Too many emotions are submerging inside of me and I can't control a single one. "Look I don't know what my feelings are towards you. But it's best if you just leave." I insist. I look up to see tears escaping her eyes and it's torturous to watch. "I'm closer with you then I am with most people in my life and that means something to me. You know what I've been through. On top of the daily shit I get every single relationship I've been in has just been for my money or for my image. You're so genuine. You're what I want, despite your fucking gender. Don't push me. If you push me I won't come back." What I am hearing is atrocious. What is she seeking from me? Is this an attempt of persuasion? If so what is she trying to persuade me to do?

"Did you ever stop to think that you might not be what I want?" I question bluntly. She groans and puts her hand on her forehead. "No, no, no, Britney. I can't, I can't..." "Chanel!" I run to her figure before she hits the ground and try my best to carry her, but in my defence she was fairly heavy. With all of my strength I place her onto my bed gently. I stare at her for minutes, my mind swarming with hundreds upon hundreds of thoughts. I feel terrible. I made this girl cry, have episodes...and now I've made her lose consciousness. I look through her handbag and find her iPhone, my first thought is to call her bodyguard or her trainer, somebody who's closer to her than I am. There's a passcode on her phone and I frown in annoyance. I then remember her birth date that I saw on her medication during the last time she was here when she showed me. I type in the date of the day, and the year. Success! The phone unlocks and I tense when I see the background is of us. One of the photos we took when she was leaving. She really wasn't joking when she told me I'm one of her closest friends.