This is life.

85 ➤ Newfound endearment

I bit my nails harshly in the dark and continuously rearranged my position in bed. I'm feeling far too anxious to sleep. All that is on my mind is the fact that I proposed to look after and care for a five year old. I've barely had any experience with children, however my decision was merely based on the reality that I changed his life. I can't live with myself knowing that I took something away from a child who's barely been able to experience all that they should.

"What's wrong?" Jason mumbles into his pillow. His back is facing me but I can tell that he's noticed my timid state. He turns on the lamp and clears his throat. "I'm nervous about tomorrow." I reveal. He turns to look at me with concern. "You shouldn't have been so impulsive." He tells me. "I know." "Admittedly, I feel as if you'll be fine." I scoff. "Admittedly?" "When I say that you should I know that I'm trying to tell you that I'm genuine with my words." He teases. "Okay then. But, I don't even understand why I was so keen when she told me. I acted on guilt." "Because you took him away from his father." Jason concludes. "Yes. Well...it's more complicated than it that, Jason. I have too much thoughts in my head and I'm just really confused." "Talk to me. Tell me your thoughts." He coaxes. "I don't know what to expect tomorrow. Ever since I had a miscarriage, my mind has just been running wild. Every time I see a baby or a kid with their parents I think to myself, 'wow, that was almost you'. And truthfully, I know that I'm crazy for wanting it but I did. I wanted it. I knew the consequences that came with it but in the end I felt the need to go through with it and just have it." At this point I begin to cry but I sigh in exasperation and shake my head.

"I didn't tell anybody but when I was still pregnant I even picked out names. God I was so stupid." "No you're not." He denies. "Jason I'm never going to be able to have a baby. My body is practically a baby death trap. I'm ruined beyond repair and I don't think that you realise that. I'm young but I was willing to give up my life for it. I grew to love it and it's just gone. I don't know how to feel." "When we went to see Noah it hurt you, didn't it?" I nod silently. "Britney you need to tell me these things. It's understandable that your decision was based on the fact that, you want to promote all of the anticipated and suppressed nurturing instincts that you held when you were pregnant. You want to release all you knew you could provide. And that's okay." He hugs me.

"Is it? I might be I'm doing something that I shouldn't. I feel like I'm opening the door to something that won't end well." "You don't know that. We just have to wait and see. Don't assume the worst when for all we know you may have the best experience of your life with him. Even if it may just be for a moment." "I suppose." He brings his arms around me and I close my eyes. "Thank you for comforting me." "You don't need to thank me. You'll be fine if you take deep breaths and let things land where they fall. You can't force something, I'll tell you that. But you're not forcing anything upon anyone. You're offering an oppertunity to give a child a good life that he deserves." Maybe he is right. "Are you staying tomorrow?" "Yes. I know that even though you'll never admit it you're too afraid to face this alone. And that's fine. As I said before, I'm willing to stick by your side and support you in any way needed. But if anything, you shouldn't be scared. You seized the opertunity, so now it'd be best to embrace it.."

♛

As Jason was in the shower, I proceeded to clean my apartment. Because this event was planned so suddenly, I have no idea what we are to do for the day. Perhaps a visit to a park, or something that he would prefer. The objective of today is to get to know him better and familiarise ourselves with one another to, hopefully, create a bond. Jason and I had woken up extra early today because Keith is to be brought here at nine in the morning, right before the dectective looking after him has to go to work.

As I made sure everything appeared neat and nothing inappropriate was in sight that could possibly create, I began to cook breakfast. I made eight pancakes for us to eat and set up the table with plates and the cutlery needed, along with mapel surup as well as honey because I have yet to know which he likes.