This is life.

25 ➤ Little Things that aren't so little

A warning in advance for those who self harm or have a history of doing so, this chapter contains an unusual but legitimate action of self harm, if this trigers any un-needed strong thoughts and/or emotions that will cause drastic actions. talk to someone, seek help, dont be silent like me, speak up, feel free to inbox me if you need to...

other than that keep reading if you feel confident, i want you to be honest with yourself though, are you really confident? if so, continue :)

UPDATE: Please don't judge my writing on this omfg I'm literally so embarrassed, along with all of the mature chapters I've written for this, I want to hide! Please just tolerate it, my writing improves as you keep reading I promise! x

It's been around two weeks since Christmas, ever since Jason let his guard down that day he's realised, and he's been more than strict with me. On new year's I wasn't even allowed to go out with my friends. I cried for two days, even if he got me a kitten as an apology, I named her coco and I love her to death, but I was still sad about not being able to go out on new year's, I heard the party my friend threw was amazing, it amplified my sadness of not being able to go. Jason was still tough on me though, I guess it's partially my fault considering I let him let his guard down. I didn't push him away because I secretly didn't want to, even though I knew the consequences. I was desperate, I longed to be close to him again and he used it against me to make himself a reason to act this way, yet again. I should've been smarter.

I couldn't think of a reasonable excuse to go out with Emma for her ultra sound so of course I had to miss that too, precious moments, all being dangled from a thin piece of string right in front of me, just out of my reach, it's very frustrating. Jason's birthday is in a few days and sure I got him the ring but I'm not at all excited considering I shouldn't be. Well okay maybe a little excitement but I'll never let it show. Right now I just became emotionless. And I know for sure that the possibility of leaving anytime soon isn't likely, why bother? It's not so bad here anymore if you just do as you're told; now that I'm a full time robot it's exhaustingly easy to stay calm around him.

It's 1:30am and I'm tossing and turning in my bed under the duvet, I can't sleep. If not experiencing nightmares then it's just more and more sleepless nights now, it's become relentless and tiring. I was wearing nothing but thin pajama pants and a singlet as I walked downstairs in the dark. It's freezing outside but pretty warm in here so all I need is something to warm my chest internally to sooth the aching I can feel. It's unpleasent, and I know I also need something to sooth my aching mind, I have a headache. I went into the kitchen, turned the light on and made myself green tea. I sighed in relief as I felt the hot and soothing beverage go down my throat and warming my body up. I bloody hate winter. I was about to make my way upstairs but I soon found myself walking into the music room. Maybe if I play something it'll distract me.

I set my tea down on the piano and I ran my fingers on the keys softly. I remember when Jason tried to teach me. I caught on quickly, though on the other hand I'm nothing but an amateur. I only wish I was as good as Jason I thought to myself with a soft chuckle. I started to play Little Things by on the piano but it was pretty hard, I haven't played this on piano since over a year ago I think. I used to try and play when Jason used to pretty much be my teacher but all those memories were kind of in the back of my head, I don't remember much of what he taught me. I saw an acoustic guitar in the corner beside a chair. I took it before I sat down as I crossed my legs.

I plucked some of the strings and played the first song I ever wrote. I wrote it when I was 15, I was so excited to show my family and friends. A lot of memories of how I used to play so much to my parents came back into my mind, they used to tell me I was talented, that I was a natural; they made me feel special, like I was one in a million. The first song I wrote was, "Endlessly" for my parents, they loved it. I loved it. You could say we all loved it.