This is life.

79 ➤ Change

---IF YOU DON'T LIKE HIGHSCHOOL SHIT DON'T BOTHER READING THIS CHAPTER LOL---

Any normal person can comprehend the fact that my life is far from regular. I've adapted to all of these aspects, large and small, there's no doubt. But when predicaments are thrown at me, there comes a certain number of them that I cannot accept.

Losing my best friend, ruining a teenager's life and the lives of those who love her, breaking a man's heart multiple times, going absolutely insane. And now, my body decides to push me over the edge by having a miscarriage. This child was the absolute last thing that was keeping me sane. The conditions are ridiculous, sure, however this was perhaps my last chance to make something out of myself and have a purpose to live. Now, without it I have none.
I don't need to try to ruin everything as well as everyone around me. It pains me to admit, but my life as I know it has lost meaning. If it still does, I cannot accept it. I have affected and altered so many people, and not for the better. I can't feel approval towards my actions and my choices. My mind rejects the very though, because I know well of how wrong I am, and how wrong I have been.

It's been two days. Come tonight, it will be three days. After being brought and staying at the hospital for a total of three days and two nights, I have been basking in my thoughts. They've become saturated, none of them are at all positive. I remember finding Chanel, bleeding to death, wondering, how can she find it in her to take her own life? Yes I am aware of the fact that I myself have attempted to do the same, but I was being delusional. Right now, though, I am not. And if I am being honest, I do wish my life would come to an end because it would not only make everything much simpler, but it will also provide all that I've hurt some type of compensation. My death would probably bring some people joy.

♛

I thank the driver and hand him the money for his services as well as a tip. He smiles and drives off as I turn around to enter my apartment complex. As I take the elevator up to the level my apartment is located on, I lean against the wall in silence and stare at my feet. When I reach my level I step out of the elevator and go to my apartment door. I open it and see Alex cooking once again. I'm too tired to retaliate so although I'm a bit startled, I don't comment on the situation, I don't even greet him. I glance at him briefly before walking over to my room. I stop when I see a pillow and one of my spare covers on my sofa. "Did you sleep here?" I ask. My voice is small. If anything, I'm exhausted and wish to be left alone with my thoughts, despite how cruel they are. "Yeah I crashed on your couch. I actually haven't left your apartment in the last few days now that I think about it." He smiles at me. "Why didn't you tell me when you came to see me yesterday?" I'm curious. "I must've forgot. Anyway I heard that you got discharged earlier today cause the hospital called today to tell me so I decided to make you a welcome home lunch. I made you tortellini polo pasta!" Truthfully I don't want to eat at all. Something inside tells me to appreciate Alex's thoughtful gestures. He's done a large amount in the past few days, already. "Sounds good." My voice is monotone and I didn't intend to seem rude but Alex isn't at all fazed. He's overenthusiastic as he gestures for me to come over into the kitchen. I shake my head. "I'll just be a second in my room.Thanks for bringing me some stuff yesterday, by the way. You weren't the only one to forget to mention some things worth mentioning."

"It's alright. The pasta will be done soon, I'll call you when it's ready." "Okay." I close the door behind me softly before walking over to my bed that's been made neatly. I sit on the edge before laying on my side and rubbing each of my arms. I suddenly feel alone and cold. Almost empty. I look behind me and see the sonograms stuck over the headboard of my bed that I put there a few days ago. So much has changed since then, more than I would ever expect. I reach up to take them off. My hand and soon my entire arm begins to shake and I take a deep breath before deciding to put the photos away in the draw of my nightstand. A few minutes pass and I can't help but begin to cry. Alex then knocks on my door. "Lunch is ready." He calls for me like he promised but I don't respond. I can't find it in me to talk. When he hears no reply from me he opens the door and enters my bedroom. Without a word he sits on the bed by my side and strokes my back for comfort. "Why are you crying?" He whispers. His tone seemed disappointed, as if he expected me to not show any emotions. I'm only human. "You already know." I cried. "It's so silly. How can I be this upset over something that would've ended up bad anyway? I wouldn't have even known where to begin. I don't know a single thing about parenting. I don't even know how my parents put up with me." I burry my face into my pillow and sigh. "Why didn't you ever tell me?" "You're my boss. I was afraid." He laughs and I look at him with confusion. "You're kidding. You have got to be kidding me." He insisted. I detected a hint of annoyance in his tone. "What do you mean?" "Britney am I a normal boss? Look at me- I'm cooking for you, I've practically been looking after you. Is that a normal relationship between a boss and their employee? No. I do all of these things for you because you're more than an employee to me. I don't do this for everyone. You're so special and I want you to be able to see that and know it. Do you want to know what I think when I see you? I think of the cute girl I went to high school with that had a massive crush on me, that, funnily enough, is now one of my best friends." "Do you want to know what I think when I look at myself? I see a useless, wrecked, selfish, alone thing that shouldn't be allowed to be called a person. I'm not even human anymore! Even though I've done bad things that make me deserve all of this pain it still hurts. I know I deserve every single bit of pain but everything hurts too much and I can't take it, I can't take it anymore." I sob. "I can't...I can't ever- that was my last chance at being happy. I'm never going to be happy again."