This is life.

36 ➤ Nervous

When I awake, this time it's because I hear someone angrily muttering under their breath. I move my eyes that were staring at the ceiling to the source. Channing was standing up at the end of the bed, shirtless while buttoning up his jeans hastily. My eyes narrow at him as I try to comprehend why he is half naked. And why I have this familiar deliciously thick after taste in my mouth followed by a painful pounding in my head, not to mention a terrible numbness all over my body. I hyperventilate as I unfortunately recall last night's events. Snippets reply in my mind, what I remember is disgusting.

Channing notices and his eyes meet mine as I screamed lowly in disbelief. "Will you shut up?" He asked harshly. "You- you- we! Oh my god!" I yelled in fear. "You-you-" "You ask for it." He interrupted. "I was- you gave me weed!?" I asked angrily as I sit up. "You wouldn't stop begging." He smirked. My insecurity and shame went up by 210%. I felt so disgusted with myself. I don't remember but I doubt I begged for it.

You know when you feel that little pit of self-doubt sometimes?

Yeah I am feeling that right now.

"You're such a bloody jerk..."

"And you're such a slut." He shot back. Did he really have to make me feel worse than I already do? I sobbed silently as tears ran down my face. "Oh no," I heard Channing mutter. "Stop crying." he demanded. "Stop crying." He repeated firmly. "Why are you even sad?" I sent him a glare. "You freaking raped me and you're asking me why I'm-" I stopped myself when I heard a door open from outside the room. "Find something to wear, I don't care what, just find something and come down in 5 minutes before she suspects anything." Channing ordered as he threw on a black t shirt.

"And when you come out of this room, you are going to forget everything that happened in the last 10 hours." He left the room but not before slamming the door. I got out of the bed angrily as more tears of rage and hate escaped my eyes. Rage and hate at not only Channing and Amy but at myself. I smoked weed again. I let myself do that. After months and months of suffering and agony I can't believe I let myself down. And Rachel as well. She tried so hard to support me quitting the drug use. All of her efforts...all of my efforts, and all of my pain was for nothing.

Not to mention that I slept with Channing. I slept with him. I am at the point where saying I am beyond frustrated is no where close to an understatement.

I toss on the red shirt I remembered discarding on the floor earlier before rummaging through Amy's closet lazily and forgetting completely about the weapon, I found some track pants. Slipping them on I took three deep breaths to try and calm myself down as I wiped away my tears. "Just play along, just play along." I chanted to myself. After counting ten seconds I sighed and made my way out of the bedroom. Hopefully what happened in there will stay in there. "Oh my god I missed you!" I heard Amy squeal. I continued to walk down the stairs weakly and I saw Amy hugging the life out of Channing while smothering him in kisses, all over his mouth, his cheeks, his nose, his neck, everywhere.

She really does love him. Is it bad I actually feel in the wrong right now? I've never been one to deceive but I feel terrible. She clearly loves him, but has no idea that we cheated on her. He, I mean. He cheated on her with me, not we. I watch them awkwardly as Channing chuckles. "I missed you too baby." He muttered as he kissed her back. As he did he made sure to send me a 'say anything and you're dead' look as quick as he could. I pressed my lips into a straight line as I clenched my fists tightly. I feel my nails dig into the flesh of my palms. How can people just lie to their partners? I could never do that to Jason. It was horrible enough knowing that they were in a relationship and that he never bothered to tell me.

Then there's also the fact that he willingly kissed her and won't admit he had strong feelings for her. Bullshit. I saw the look on his face. And although I love him it doesn't mean I am no longer angry with him. Amy pulled away and gave me a bright smile. "I see you two have had time to get to know each other?" Channing and I quickly glanced at each other before I gulp and nod unsurely. "Awesome." She grinned widely. She sighed and put her hands on her hips after moving her hair out of her face. "Did Ren tell you about the job we did?" She turned her attention to Channing. "Yeah, did you get the money Britson owed, plus interest for keeping us waiting?" He asked.