This is life.

13 ➤ Fourth of July

Jason and I have been engaged for a month now and I couldn't be more excited. Though my father can't be there to walk me down the aisle like I always wanted I have Daniel, which eases the pain in my chest by a millimetre.

My dream was to have my mother be one of my bridesmaid, and my father one of the groomsmen of the man of my dreams.

It's funny, thinking about how well he would have liked Jason. Both of my parents would have loved him and give me their full support.

There's still a feeling I have, seeking a little guidance here and then, and also some approval. About general silly things like tanning or relationships. I miss when I used to wonder how well my children would love to visit their grandma and grandpa on the weekends and bake cookies or watch TV at their house, just for quality time.

Jason and I have decided to have our wedding to the closest winter around the corner. Turns out he loves snow just as much as I do. Apparently Ottawa is beautiful around that time of year, with snow over 6 feet high on streets sometimes.

Right now it was only moments away from the fourth of July, me and Jason were sitting down peacefully in Santa Monica beach with no interruptions on a red picnic blanket and drinking wine while holding each other closely and watching the large, beautiful scenery.

Jason had somehow cleared the entire beach once I told him it would be nice to spend Fourth of July here. He tries very hard and sometimes I feel guilty because I don't even have to ask for him to bend over backwards. He would do it anyway. And it's one of the many things I admire about him.

"Fourth of July is coming babe, its right around the corner." I told him with a slight chuckle. I too looked at my watch and saw it was finally closing in on the last few minutes of the day. It was 11:41pm, as I just learned. Jason had been checking his consecutively and it was slightly irritating but adorable. I don't think I've ever seen him get so antsy.

"Baby?" Jason asked as I put my arm down. I couldn't help but smile at the name. Over these months he's dropped a few of these. Nothing along the names that he used to use (as he told me) like whore, or slut, or pet, or slave, or anything. Just sweet pet names that I've really come to love.

"It's the anniversary, today." I spoke. His arms grew tighter around my waits and I sighed heavily. "Are you okay?" He whispered. I nodded, feeling slight redemption because I wasn't crying. This is the first time in a long time that I didn't cry on this day. I both love and despise this day. "Yeah what is it?" I changed the subject. "Do you want to light some fireworks?" When he said that I immediately shot up and turned around, he had a brown paper bag in his hand, I gave him a smirk.

"You have fireworks?" I shouted in excitement.

"Yes, I remember you telling me your parents were keen on buying them for this day every year."

I smiled, fazed by his kind gesture. My parents were very patriotic and their enthusiasm to this day is another great memory I grow to forget. We would go up on our roof at around ten on 4th eve, and all have champagne. Some years we'd throw a barbecue with friends. This day has always held such a significant meaning for me. I told him that months ago and he somehow managed to remember. I forget how fond and sentimental Jason can really get.

I laughed as I kissed his cheek before taking the bag out of his hand. "Why didn't you tell me you had fireworks?" I whined as I looked through the bag. "Why do you think I kept looking at my watch? It was a sur-prise." He said. He emphasised his last word playfully as I smiled wider.

"If you got this the same way my dad did I'd watch out. You know people always try to snitch." I warned.

"I don't think I would ever risk my reputation for something so childish." He shakes his head, understanding my hint. "I received a permit, so I have no worries. You shouldn't either."