This is life.

47 ➤ Stay

A/N- Now I usually don't switch perspectives in between chapters, especially not like how I do in this one, but I decided it was necessary for this, I hope it's not too confusing and just a heads up, the lamp is a touch lamp! (Yes I have one too ha and you'll understand later why I had to mention that just now)

So enjoy the long chapter, hope you don't get bored, I hope I make you cry(not in that way of course), and I will appreciate it big time if you guys can vote, comment and follow if you're not already doing so, it'd mean a lot! x

Britney Patterson+

I lay on the mattress, starring at the ceiling. The room is dark and disturbingly silent. It's too silent. It just emphasises all of the time I'm wasting by laying here, doing absolutely nothing.

Once I remembered wanting nothing more than just time. I wanted time to be able to get over my issues. I wanted time to forget and create new memories with new people in my life. I wanted to move on. You could say that eventually I did.

And by moving on I mean distract myself with weed and other drugs. Not such a great nor prideful time of my life but it is a part of my life. So I have no choice but to accept it. No matter how disapproving I feel of myself. Because it's me. If I turn my back on myself who can I depend on that I know well enough to not betray me? Then again I alone have betrayed myself so many times already. Cheating. Taking drugs again. Lying. Getting pregnant from cheating. Lying about being pregnant. Hurting the one person who loved me so many times that I broke him. I've gone against my own ridiculous rules and morals so often that the word self-depreciative has a bigger meaning than just an understatement.

There still is a part of me that regrets wishing for this damned desire. Lately I have had too much time on my hands. And I'm not sure if it's a good thing because I've had more time to understand the things happening around me, or if it's a bad thing because I think too much. When you over think you drive yourself insane. You start doubting yourself and you start to see all of the imperfect and flawed factors of not only yourself but your entire life. It's so frustrating. Betraying yourself like that.

When my name comes to mind the same words keep appearing in my head.

Fuck up.

Worthless.

Stupid.

Ungrateful.

Foolish.

Embarrassed.

Humiliated.

Hated.

At this rate I can keep going for miles. Everything just registers in your mind and before you can even prepare yourself it starts overflowing. It becomes discouraging. You lose hope. You lose faith. You lose your strength of will. The will that makes you want to feel good enough, the thing that makes you actually want to feel good on some days. It's what makes you want to forgive yourself.

I wonder how many times I will contemplate the same thing. How many times will I rethink as if I have all the time and all of the sanity in the world to just waste the precious healthy part of my mind. Or whatever is left of it.

My mind is stuck on a replaying feeling I just want to kill. I want to get rid of this heaviness in my chest. I want to stop having this never ending relentlessness every single day. Sometimes when I fall asleep I wish, I wish so longingly to not wake the next day. I don't want to go. I don't want to have to let go, either.

Everything is meant to come to an end at some time. Maybe this is one of those times.

I swipe my thumb lightly on the bottom of my lip, glad to feel nothing. Under the countless piles of messes I've made I managed to find facial wipes. It wouldn't be my first choice but I wanted to remove the blood from my hands and face immediately. I still feel the itchiness, though.