This is life.

17 ➤ Here I am, once again

5 months time:

It's been almost five months. Five long, hard, cruel, lonely months.

I'm dying of guilt with every passing second.

Every day I just stay with her in her hospital room, praying that she will wake up. I reduced my diet to eating maybe once or twice a week, you would know why I can't find it in me to eat or consume anything at all. Maybe a few dry sandwiches or protein shakes every now and then but I doubt they'd be enough to get me to function normally.

As for sleeping,  maybe 2 or 3 hours a night, 4 if I am lucky. I hired a personal assistant to do most of my work for me or schedule my meetings and agreements over the phone, via webcam or at the very most, as close as possible to this hospital.

I have barely left Britney's room during these past months and when I did I would just come running back within an hour, two tops. I just sit there in the uncomfortable hospital chair beside her bed and watch her breathe. Too much thought and idealism is formed when I see her. There's too much to consider. My mind only has a mental capacity the size of a water bottle. Right now I need around a thousand to keep all of my insanity contained.

When I hold her hand, it's heartbreaking to admit that it gets a little colder each time, and her skin seems to be getting paler by the second. The mere thought of what's to be expected makes me sick to my stomach. I try to remind myself of all of the great memories we have, but it's depressing knowing that there's a strong chance I won't be able to make anymore with her in this state. It's funny how she's literally right next to me but I miss her like crazy. It's been so long since I've heard her angelic voice, it's been so long since I've felt her intoxicating touch, and it's been so long that I have been the least bit happy with my life and myself.

Everything is my fault and there's no denying that. Her friends she has made here in LA have visited her and bring fresh flowers and gifts every week, trying to get me to rest and look after myself but I couldn't give two fucks about myself right now, the only thing that has been on my mind for the past three months is Britney. Rachel had visited three times now and she's ignored me every time she came into the room, I would understand why though.

I didn't need to say anything for her to know what happened, it was as if she could read my mind, and that was probably why she slapped me the first time she came to visit. Our wedding date was planned to be around this time of year, I guess a good thing would be Britney hadn't really started planning, besides the guest list.

Christmas was around the corner and my plans on spending it with Britney is going down the drain. I tell myself to pray and not give up on her, but it's so hard to keep the little fire in me alive when it's fighting a storm everyday when Doctor Harris comes in and tells me things I've heard over and over again. Expect the last time he came in earlier today he tried to tell me to cut Britney's life support off.

I lost it and punched him straight in the nose and he began to bleed like no tomorrow while he held his face and screamed in pain before he was rushed out to the E.R of this hospital. He's lucky to be so close to medical assistance. It's been a few hours and I have been expecting the police to come in any minute now to arrest me for assault but I guess Doctor Harris understood why I did what I did to him, he really is a great doctor but if he even tries to mention the 'alternative' I won't hesitate to beat his ass raw.

I finished taking a shower in Britney's hospital room and return to my seat beside her bed. I held her hand felt tears come down my face, crying had become a daily habit for me.

Her hand...it's still so cold. As much as I try to ignore that I can't.

"Britney..." I whispered, hoping she'd reply, but as usual, she just laid there, as still as a rock, only her chest gently moved up and down while I was left in silence with the heart monitor beeping every other second or so. Everyday I just clutched into her hand and her ring in my other, awaiting the day I can put it back on her delicate finger. The ring being over $45,000 alone didn't mean shit to me. Until the day Britney wakes up it's worthless.