Maybe Love

Chapter 36

MIKAYLA's POV

I was about to go to our daughter's room when Jayden stopped me, hinigit niya ako at dinala sa garden, sa likod ng bahay.

He sat on the bench, sa harap ng small pond. Nasa kabilang side ang pool, pero tanaw dito ang mga ilaw galing doon.

I sat beside him, silent. Parehas kaming tahimik na nakamasid sa pond. No one even dared to talk.

For me, i still don't forgive him. He cheated, that's a fact. He didn't confront me when Ashtrid told him that. I get the point na he was fucked up that time, but he didn't even called me, asked me.

"Why?" I said. Naramdaman ko ang tingin ni Jayden sa akin. Hindi ako lumingon sa kaniya at patuloy pa rin ang diretsong tingin.

"Why didn't you ask me?" I asked. He heard him sighed, "I was fucked up, Kali. I know, hindi sapat na rason. I was drunk, hindi rin sapat na rason. I'm sorry, for doing this to you. I'm not saying this para kaawaan mo ako, pero ako, sa sarili ko? Naawa ako," he stopped. Lumingon ako sa kaniya, nagtataka sa sinabi niya.

"Naawa ako sa sarili ka dahil sinaktan ko yung babaeng alam kong nandiyan para sa akin, kung sinabi ko lang." he smiled sadly.

"Alam mo pala, Jayden. Bakit hindi? Gusto kitang tanungin, eh. Gusto ko lang malaman, kung nagkulang ba ako?" Mahinang sabi ko. He shooked his head, pain visible in his eyes.

"No, that's all on me. Ako ang nagkulang, Kali. I didn't trust you enough, and I didn't trust myself enough para paniwalaan ko agad si Ashtrid." Anito. Suminghap ako at tumango.

Tama siya, sobrang tama. Because of all that happened to us, I didn't trust myself, too. I was depressed, when i lost caly.

Postpartum daw. Pero i was diagnosed with depression when they were only weeks old. Nung una, takot na takot akong hawakan sila.

"I was depressed." I said, trying to make myself calm. "I was depressed when they were only weeks old, Jayden. I didn't want to hold them, dahil tuwing hahawakan ko sila, pakiramdam ko, unti-unti akong nadudurog."

My eyes stung because of tears.

"Tuwing naalala ko si Caly, gusto kong mawala, Jayden." I stopped because a sobbed came out. Jayden held my hand, and brushed his thumb on mine.

"Gusto ko siyang sundan, Jayden. Gusto ko siyang makita, kahit isa lang. i wanted to...die. To be with my daughter, to hold her, kiss her, care for her" I cried.

"I'm sorry..." he said. Umiling ako at pinunsan ang mga luha ko. He was saying sorry, and i can feel the tears on my hands as he held them.

"T-they...saved me," Tinakpan ko ang aking bibig para hindi lumakas ang aking mga hikbi. Gosh, remembering those times hurts me.

"I would come home, from therapy, and school. Nakikita ko sila, tumatawa, naghahanap ng hagkan ko, ng ina nila." I wiped my tears.

"Pero, hindi ko mabigay, eh. Nasasaktan ako, eh! Ang sakit-sakit!" I punched my chest, hoping that the pain i'm feeling right know would lessen.

"Putangina, dahil sa...kasinungalingan, at kaputanginahan, naranasan natin yun, Jayden?!"

He was sobbing, while shaking his head. Umiiyak siya sa harapan ko, he was kneeling. His faced buried on my thighs.

"Patawarin mo ako, mahal...kasalanan ko, wag mo sisihin sarili mo." He whispered.

"N-never in those years, i blamed you! P-pero ngayon? I would blame you for all the time we encountered. You chose to believe her, rather than me. You chose to fucking kiss her, rather than asking me if it was real! Jayden, did you ever love me?"

Nanghihina kong tanong sa kaniya. Umangat ang tingin niya sa akin, tears pooling his eyes.

"Mahal kita, Kali! I love you, so much-"

"Kung mahal mo ako, bakit hindi mo ako tinanong? Kung mahal mo ako, bakit hindi mo ako pinagkatiwalaan? Kung mahal mo ako, bakit mo kami sinaktan?"

I bit my lip after saying that. Gusto kong malaman, gusto kong tanggapin, gusto kong patawarin, pero bakit ang hirap?

"Because I didn't love you enough..." he uttered.

Nanlaki ang mata ko sa kaniyang sinabi, "w-what?"

"I didn't love you enough, because i left you. I didn't love you enough, Kali. I was so confused on what to do, what to love, what to feel, to the point where i forgot about you.

I forgot about you, who's my peace. I forgot about you, who's my love."

My heart clenched, knowing that. That's the reason i was looking for.

And that, was our problem.

We didn't love each other enough. We didn't trust each other enough, that was our problem. We lost communication, dahil parehas kaming lito.

He was confused because his father died.

And i was confused because my close friend was sleeping, almost dead. I was young and pregnant.

I thought about aborting our child, because i was confused. I had many dreams for me, for myself.

Wala naman sa plano ko ang magmahal. Wala silang apat sa plano ko.

Pero, nang dumating ang tatlo kong anghel, sila na ang plano ko. And i thank Jayden for that, for giving them to me.

"I'm sorry..." I said.

"No-" i cut him off, "Jayden, parehas tayong nagkulang. Parehas tayong nagsimula sa mali, sa akala, pag papanggap."

"And I'm sorry" Napa angat ang tingin niya sa akin. I can see how sincere he is.

"I'm sorry for everything, Kali."

Tumango ako sa kaniya, tears running down my cheeks. This, this is what we lacked.

The admitting our pains and sorrows.

"It's okay, we didn't want that to happen." Aniko.

We didn't want that, but fate gave us that.

Sinisisi ko si Ashtrid at Levi, dahil walong taon kong hindi nakita ang anak ko, ganoon rin kay Jayden.

Sinisisi ko sila, dahil dinamay nila kami sa kanilang problema.

How could them?

We were happy, for once. Nanahimik kami, pero napili nilang idamay kami. How could they?

"Let's go?"

-End of chapter 36-

New chapter for the closure they never had before.