My Broken Bowl

More About Me

I made friends in the middle of fifth grade. Finally, this girl named Katey and this boy named Sam talked to me. I had a serious crush on Sam so I knew I was gay. There was no way that I was saying that out loud either. I kept that secret for a long time.

Sam moved after that year so I never saw him again. I missed him. He was my first crush and my very first real friend.

Junior high, like middle school, was awkward, more awkward. I learned more about other people. I made friends and lost some. I wasn't cool at all so Katey never talked to me after sixth grade. She hit seventh and became popular and I got dismissed and ignored.

I was okay with that. Well, to be honest, I was hurt by it. She walked past me like I wasn't there after we talked on the phone everyday, all summer. We talked on the phone a week before school started and a week later, she didn't know me. It hurt but like everything, I ignored it.

I continued therapy and my journal writing. I began to depend on my journal. It was my friend. It sounds stupid but it was true. It never once let me down or ignored me or picked a fight with me like people did. I had a tough time understanding people.

I had one 'friend' and that was all she did. She would boss me around and demand things from me. It was always drama with her. If I talked to anyone else she would start a fight and argue. 'Why are you talking to her!' Kind of attitude. Bluh...who wants that! I was constantly defending myself.

I finally stopped trying to please her and separated from her with the help from my therapist. She gave me advice even though I never wanted to talk about Multiple Personality Disorder. I hoped that it would just go away if I ignored it. Hindsight, not the best plan!

If you have a mental health issue, you should deal with it and learn more about it. Ignoring it won't make it go away, it gets worse. I'm speaking from experience. Please, deal with it and take care of yourself. Be good to yourself because you're important.

My therapist told me that but I never felt it. I always felt like I was an extra... like in a movie. I was just a background person that contributed nothing to life. I was just there to walk past when I was told to... But anyway...

The first book I read by myself was Charlotte's Web. I fell in love with reading after that book. I read everything and I still do. I absolutely loved to read for so many reasons. First and most important...I don't need anyone else to read. It's an activity that I can do alone and it was socially acceptable.

Writing was easy to pick up after that. I knew basic things so I became a decent speller but my handwriting still sucks.

The older I got the more I felt like I was intermittent at best. It's the only way to describe it. I was like windshield wipers on a car on and off. I was somewhere else sometimes. I didn't know what that was then and I refused to discuss it with my therapist because she would say it's the DID, Dummy! (I mean she wouldn't call me a name but you get it.)

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Because my mother died of colon cancer, I was at risk. So, in eighth grade I went in for a checkup. Colonoscopies are not fun but they are important. It's mostly the prep that sucks but they can save your life. It did mine. The doctor found cancerous polyps in my colon. Great.

They rambled on about solutions. I knew I was going to die. I was sure of it and zoned out. I don't remember much during that meeting. I actually don't remember anything after they said cancer.

"Sweetie, are you okay?" Sheila spoke to me on the way home.

I nodded. No way in hell was I okay! What the fuck kind of question was that? I just got the worst case scenario. I was going to die like my mother. She was only 35 years old when I lost her. Would I even make it to 35?

I spent the next two months recovering and following the doctor's instructions. I spent time taking it easy and I missed a bunch of school. I don't think anyone from school noticed I was absent for four weeks. I was shy and quiet most of the time. I kept my head down and just made it through the day so I didn't have anyone to ask 'hey, where have you been'.

I think, looking back, that I was jealous of them; The normal people that ran free in the world. I never felt free. Never. I watched people. I learned that I loved to study people but I never understood them. I might as well have been at a zoo watching porcupines.

I saw girls squeal and hug each other every Monday at the beginning of school. I saw guys high five each other. I saw guys gather in groups talking about sports or whatever? I didn't ever have that.

I did have a couple of acquaintances to sit with at lunch but not a real friend. I never had someone to laugh with and share with. I had no one, not really. My dramatic friend had moved, to my relief, so I was alone. I just read my books. Reason number two that I love to read, I could disappear in that world for a while.

I met two people that began to be important to me. Steve and Carol. (Also their names were changed, like everyone in this story.)

I have known Steve since kindergarten. We were in all the same classes for most of school and Carol was new our ninth year. I met Carol somehow...to this day I have no idea how!

(Looking back, I think that Cay met her but I never asked.)

But we met and we were instant friends. She was my very first best friend and Steve became my second.

We laughed and giggled and passed notes in class! I was beginning to feel normal by tenth grade. I was almost one of them!

I felt almost human.

(I know I am human but I never felt like it. I never felt like I belong with everyone. Maybe I was the porcupine in the zoo? I felt very separated from others. They were strangers and I was still scared of them and very alienated.)